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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Perspective, please

41 replies

Labyrinth47 · 01/01/2019 01:06

Good evening and happy new year to you all. I am sitting here, with a 10 year old in the sofa, and 3 teenagers in sons room. Fairly sure to give up on my marriage, and I hope you all can give me some perspektive. I have been told, I can be fairly direct, and I am not from England, so maby the finer nuances goes wrong, but I will give some back story, and hope some of you can give me a kick in the right directions.

My husband is a hard worker, He is generous, with his time and his money, he would work his ass off, for me.

But he has no clue how to talk about things, he take everything as critisism, close down and wont discuss/debate. Today of all days, (before all theese teenagers were to visit) he seemed annoyed and I asked him why. Sex is why. Lack of it. I have been sick the last 2 months, on and off, with high fever. Only had sex maby 2-3 times. But, as husband said, it has been going on for ever, usually only once a week, maby 2. That is true. WIth teenager and a 10 year old, I dont have a clue how you all to it. When it is 8 evening, all I want is a glass of wine and a remote control for the tv. Sometimes he has a day off ( I work at home) and we usually do, but up til Christmas, he has been working every day. So. He is right. Havent been much fun in the bedroom, Or in any other room. This is a fact.
As I asked him today, what was wrong, is because he has been increasingly annoyed and snappy with us al. And today I was told it was because of the no sex. Because; and this is what i need perspective with; THERE IS NO REASON TO BE SO NICE TO ME; AS HE DIDNT GET ANYTHING ANYWAY!!! Yes, really!
As we discussed it, between new year dinner, bloody firework and all, with all the kids, he told me he just lost his being "in love" feeling, as it was hard on his self asteem and he just kept to himself, so he would not get rejected.
Is this really a normal reaction?? Do you all have sex multiple times a week?? I dont have small children, but I have children in the house all the time, when he is here, and if I wait to the younger one sleep; Im so bloody tired. I have done it for the king and nation, but I feel it is wrong as I do it to keep the piece. He has not many comments to this, he is just so hurt, because i dont lust for him. I think if he would lighten the fuck up a bit, maby I would feel in the mood more.
Anyway, new year came and went, he was quiet in the sofa, I won an oscar with the kids, and now he has gone to sleep, teenagers gone to room and my youngest sitting here next tome watching a movie eating nachos.
And I am wondering what the fuck I should do. He is good in many ways. As I said, he is generous with both his time and money (he and youngest made lovely brunch this morning, he also did the hole dinner tonight) but I feel sex is a demand. And when I read here, every time sex is bad, you all say LEAVE THE BASTARD. But I am the bastard now. I am wondering if I should leave him. Not because I dont want sex with him, I do, but we cant discuss it without him being angry and "closed" and because of the things he said about it. And I honestly feel once a week is enough, We have been together 10 years, we are both in our fifties and even as I do find him both hot and atrractive, and certainly not without skills, life gets in the way. I dont want to have quickies in the barn all the time, I want privacy and time. And if we make one evening a week, is that really so bad?
So. Please help me. I hope I havent left things out, I know drip feeding is not seen kindly on, I hope you can give me perspective. I fantasise about leaving the grumpy bugger, and at the same time, i love him and we have a really good life. he is just so closed and angry when we have a problem.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 01/01/2019 08:46

Sulking would be really difficult for me to deal with, you seem very unhappy. Do you have any friends or family you can talk with? It does seem like you should consider leaving him.

Not that its relevant but my fiance and I have sex once or twice a week. Sometimes I say no because I'm tired or not well. He's lovely to me all the time so its not all men that act like this and its not ok

Original poster

Labyrinth47 · 01/01/2019 08:50

He say it is his way of being close to me, and because he just loves me so much. I think it is lies. It is not love- he just want sex. If he loved me that much he would be nicer. And not sulk. Yes i am unhappy. Stressed out if the last holiday days with rhe kids, guests in the house and his stupid moods.. dont know how to cope. And still cant talk with him!
Would hate to cancel brunch tomorrow. My family is Coming. But cant deal with that and him..

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 01/01/2019 08:59

Yes I agree, its not love
Sulking when he doesn't get what he wants is very unattractive. Would you be able to stay with family if you wanted to separate? Have you had a conversation about divorce before?

Original poster

Labyrinth47 · 01/01/2019 09:04

He say it is not sulking but being hurt? What is the difference? He answers polite when i ask him stuff, but otherwise dont speak.
If we were to split up, he could go to holiday home not far from his job. My kids go to school here. We would sell farm and i would buy small house next to school. Yes i have suggested divorce before. Same problem. He cant talk and he sulk.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 01/01/2019 09:07

It is sulking because you're not a sex toy, you're allowed to say no to sex and he doesn't like it

Seems like you could separate then, maybe you should consider it. Don't be unhappy like this for another year

Original poster

Labyrinth47 · 01/01/2019 09:10

I know i sound stupid - but explain to me again. He want sex. Because he loves me so much. I say no, as i have fever. He gets hurt and feel rejected. He think that is normal reaktion ? It is just because he loves me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Labyrinth47 · 01/01/2019 09:11

He is up now. Dont know what to do

OP posts:

maximumcarnage · 01/01/2019 09:12

It’s a pity. But if he refuses to talk. Refuses to listen and you’re deeply unhappy then I think you’ve got no alternative. You have to leave. Such a crying shame too, if he’d only open up and discuss things. It could be rectified.

Not a great way to start 2019 I agree. But you’ve got options in regard to separation. I think you have to use them. Maybe you leaving might open his eyes to the issues and do something about it. Maybe not. But you’re both unhappy. And it’s having an affect on family too.

Whatever you do please keep us updated. And best of luck.

Original poster

Labyrinth47 · 01/01/2019 09:14

Thanks you all.. i go downstairs now. Will post later. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 01/01/2019 09:15

Its not a normal reaction, he's being selfish.

My fiance wanted to have sex last week, I said no because I was tired. He said ok and we had a cuddle on the sofa, he made me a cup of tea, he wasn't annoyed. This is a normal reaction in a healthy relationship.

kinseymilhone · 01/01/2019 09:18

I am in a similar position to you OP, although our sex life is much, much worse because I have reached a point where I really cannot face it at all. I just cannot bear the grumpy, sulky, moping around that my DP does when he "feels unloved" i.e. has not had sex. What he doesn't/won't/can't understand (because it's all my fault for not "loving" him enough) is that him acting like this is the biggest turn off there could possibly be and makes me want it even less!

For me it isn't about him pulling his weight around the house or doing more to help. He does his bit but he is so bloody moody all the time, I feel I'm walking on egg shells (not a sexy feeling). I know I could solve it all by "giving in" to sex but I really feel so repelled by his stroppy behaviour that I just can't bring myself to.I have no idea what the answer is as we can't seem to break past this (it's been going on for quite a while unfortunately).

If he was light and breezy and fun to be with, keen to join in some of mine and the children's activities (without a grumpy face or his head buried in iPad watching football) it would make all the difference to how I feel about sex with him. As it is, we are at an impasse. I have even, in desperation, suggested an open relationship but according to him this won't work as he only wants sex with me as it is his way of showing love (and I apparently don't love him because I don't want sex).

I'm sorry OP, not much help to you. I hope you and your DH can find a way to work it out (and if you do, please let me know how ).

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 01/01/2019 09:21

Can you persuade him to go to some couples therapy together op? Might make it easier for him to talk about things with you without sulking.

category12 · 01/01/2019 09:49

It's not normal to get huffy about lack of sex when your partner is ill with a fever.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/01/2019 10:13

The more you have written the less I like him, OP. He should be kind to you when you are sick. He needs therapy to understand that sex is not love.

Sulking is emotional blackmail and terrible behaviour. He is destroying your marriage.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 01/01/2019 10:37

He sounds regressed - as if he needs his mummy in order to feel valued and loveable.

Obviously that's not your job, but he's making it yours because it's fucking difficult to take responsibility and grow up - so better you handle that all for him, the poor dear.

Lozzerbmc · 01/01/2019 10:54

He is obviously too demanding sexually but he also sounds a bit needy and finds discussing things difficult hence the sulking. I agree a letter is a good idea - its great want to have sex with him but 3-4 times a week is excessive with kids, job, house, farm to run! Couples counselling would be a good idea but i suspect he wouldnt do that?

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