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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband IABUR?

40 replies

Lifehappens1991 · 31/12/2018 19:13

Hi ladies,

Happy New Year’s Eve!
Although Mines could be happier; currently sitting alone after another row with H (38)
He’s angry and instead of using words to explain he started cleaning and threw dishes into the sink broke one and continued to swear and bang everything!
To be honest it was terrifying 😥
I am 27 have lb aged 4 and feel like my world is falling apart.
After seeing so much of this side to him I’m not quite sure how to truly unsee it.
Is this normal in families? To be expected? Like the ups and downs?
I grew up with just my mum and brother so minus an angry dictator!
Any advice ?
Anyone been there?

Thank you for reading it’s really appreciated xx

OP posts:
53rdWay · 31/12/2018 19:36

No, not normal and not to be expected. You and your 4-year-old deserve a lot better than this.

YoloTF · 31/12/2018 19:38

No it's not. Walking on eggshells is not a way to live. No one deserves that

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 31/12/2018 19:43

I mean he probably has his own version of events and you haven’t given any info about why he’s upset/ what you fell out about?

Banging around in the kitchen and swearing doesn’t sound like abuse to me. It’s not ideal but equally he’s not doing anything to you!

Men get a shit ride on MN - anything other than calmly sitting and talking about feelings is totally unacceptable and should be divorced immediately!! 😡 A lot of men just aren’t programmed that way.

If a guy posted that his wife was banging around in the kitchen and annoyed no one would kick off saying she was an abusive nightmare 🤔

53rdWay · 31/12/2018 19:47

A lot of men just aren’t programmed that way

Oh, bollocks, every mentally competent adult is capable of dealing with a bad mood without smashing things and swearing.

ikltownofboothlehem · 31/12/2018 19:49

Banging around in the kitchen, swearing, breaking plates and scaring the OP and their son isn't exactly 'letting off a bit of steam' is it?

category12 · 31/12/2018 19:49

Scaring your partner isn't acceptable, mrdarcywillbemine.

Ellie56 · 31/12/2018 19:54

No this is not normal behaviour. If he shouts swears and bangs things, frightening both you and your child on a regular basis, this is emotional abuse.

Original poster
Lifehappens1991 · 31/12/2018 19:57

Mrdarcywillbemine

Thanks I guess for your response, I can appreciate that some men do get a bad rep from women, I can also understand your response I didn't really clarify anything:
I work only at the weekend so I can be full time at home with lb. I worked all day sat and sun and my husband woke up angry and bitter resenting my job and told me he's "f*#%king tired to cook and clean and look after the child" I tried to keep the situation calm and reassure him. I came home and he ignored me all evening with a cold shoulder even when I tried to talk. I slept alone.
Today I woke up again and was ignored, he went out the door with a bang so I took my lb to the town to spend some of his Xmas pennies on a new toy 🧸 which I thought would be nice and it was. Returned home H had cooked and was very angry we had already ate, I apologised as I didn't know and that's when he started smashing and chucking things into the sink from a metre away.

That's kind of it really.

This is just a regular thing that seems to go on every few months or so until I cave in be kind to him as a way to stop it.

OP posts:
TooManyPuppies · 31/12/2018 19:58

Banging around in the kitchen and swearing doesn’t sound like abuse to me. It’s not ideal but equally he’s not doing anything to you!

Agree, is it normal for him to do this? When I'm angry I bang around and swear a bit. But I'm not angry on a daily basis. Everyone handles their anger and annoyance differently.
If it's a regular thing over every little thing then I wouldn't put up with it but not sure it's something to necessarily be scared about unless he's directly threatening you.
If my husband cracks it I tell him to cut it out and get over it as he does me.... If you're too frightened to speak up then the relationship isn't for you.

Original poster
Lifehappens1991 · 31/12/2018 20:01

Toomanypuppies

Yes your right and sometimes I lose the head too; i guess I am just over concerned as it's slowly progressing to worse and worse. I wish I had a man with a kind soul not a controlling, jealous and suspicious one

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 31/12/2018 20:06

He sounds like hard work OP. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this!

And why shouldn't he look after his child at the weekend? It's called parenting.

Original poster
Lifehappens1991 · 31/12/2018 20:08

Ellie
This is my thoughts on that, it's not babysitting it's his child too! I was shocked by his words, also it's not only me living here, need clean clothes on their backs, I'm just really confused and feel I need someone else's perspective on it.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 31/12/2018 20:08

Is this the bloke you’ve mentioned in your threads previously, who is also jealous, accuses you of sleeping with your boss and other men, and is constantly smoking cannabis? I don’t think this relationship is very good for you.

Original poster
Lifehappens1991 · 31/12/2018 20:08

53rd way

Yes Sad

OP posts:
WhiteVixen · 31/12/2018 20:09

I wish I had a man with a kind soul not a controlling, jealous and suspicious one

So chuck this one back and find a new one.

He’s a shit husband, shit father, shit man. It is definitely not normal, not part of the ‘ups and downs’. He sounds vile. Definitely get rid of him.

Original poster
Lifehappens1991 · 31/12/2018 20:11

I feel almost like it's my fault. I deserve it because of this and that. But deep inside me I can hear a voice just saying this is ridiculous it's not right. I'm really sorry for taking up your time girls. I just feel really low and stuck

OP posts:
53rdWay · 31/12/2018 20:12

You’re not taking up anybody’s time. I’m sorry he is so horrible to you - it’s not your fault but he clearly isn’t going to change, so you need to think about what steps to take for yourself and your little boy now. You both deserve a better future than this.

wallowinwater · 31/12/2018 20:14

This sounds really upsetting for you and it's a hard decision, from what info you have written, no this is not normal. You should leave.

GroovieGazelloo · 31/12/2018 20:15

It really does sound frightening Life.

Tonight I'd go for protecting myself and my little one. Tomorrow I'd be out making sure I had a lovely NY's Day with my little one again.
Then, without my little one being there, I'd give him my ultimatum. And, I get the support I needed to stick to it.

Take good care. Sending hugs. Bear

MrsPnut · 31/12/2018 20:17

Banging around in the kitchen and swearing doesn’t sound like abuse to me. It’s not ideal but equally he’s not doing anything to you!

People who bang about, throw things and hit walls etc are being abusive. It is like a constant reminder that they want to be physically violent to you and it is designed to unsettle and cow the people watching it in order to remain unchallenged.

OP - I would not live with someone that behaves like that and do not let him tell you that it is your fault he behaves like that. He is responsible for his actions and he needs to own his behaviour. Contact your local domestic abuse service for some advice in the new year.

gamerchick · 31/12/2018 20:18

If a guy posted that his wife was banging around in the kitchen and annoyed no one would kick off saying she was an abusive nightmare

Yes I would Hmm

OP your little boy is 4, you need to act now to protect his future mental health. Don't have him treading on eggshells around his dad all the time.

Make a plan and get rid of this person, surround yourself with RL support as I think he won't go quietly. Arm yourself with as much legal shit as you can and get him out of that.

oiiiiiii · 31/12/2018 20:22

Op it's extremely obvious that this relationship needs to end.

He's jealous, controlling, accuses you of sleeping with other men, resents your working, and has a temper that frightens and upsets you.

He resented taking care of his own child. He doesn't want to cook a meal for you after you've been working...

It's not brain surgery sweetheart.

Please just pack this in. You're ruining your child's life by staying in this situation. Your son is now old enough to start remembering his awful home life... If you leave in the next couple of weeks, at least the poor child will have a chance of happy childhood memories...

Please please please, if not for your own sake then for your child's. Please leave x

Fairylea · 31/12/2018 20:28

This is abuse. The whole relationship is abusive. Call women’s aid and get the hell out of it.

Ellie56 · 31/12/2018 20:39

After reading your other posts @Lifehappens1991 I agree you need to get out of this abusive relationship as it is not only damaging your mental health and self esteem, but also that of your son.

You only have to read some of the threads on here to understand that children who grow up in the toxic atmosphere of an abusive household find it difficult to form healthy relationships themselves and are all too often damaged for life.

Ring Women's Aid now. 0808 2000 247. You may have to try a few times before you get through.

They will give you advice and help you to leave. and please remember - none of this is your fault. It is not your fault that your husband is an abusive knob.

CrazySheepLady · 31/12/2018 20:47

Your thread has made me so sad, OP. N9ne of this seems to be your fault but you are shouldering the blame. It must be very painful, confusing and hurtful.

Why not make 2019 the year for you and your child, when you resolve to look into the practicalities of separating from your partner? Start to make arrangements, consult a solicitor over your rights and responsibilities etc?