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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New partner with young kids

37 replies

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 17:42

So just started seeing someone and we really like each other. Only issue is that he has 2 young kids (4 and 2) where as mine are 12 and 13. Has anyone else been in this position? Is it too difficult?
Thanks

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/12/2018 17:46

I think my best advice would be to hold off from any introductions for several months. No children want to bond with your new partner and/or their children and then have you split up. Teenagers can be lovely with small children but I would give it at least 6 more months until anyone meets.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 17:51

Thank you. Yes I am definitely going to hold off introductions. Guess I have couple of concerns a) selfishly I’ve been there done that and not sure I would want to go back to farm visits etc b) I get the feeling if he was seeing me he wouldn’t be seeing his kids and I would never want to compete for his attention or get between him and his kids

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 31/12/2018 17:52

I second the above from Disfordarkchocolate.

PerverseConverse · 31/12/2018 17:54

How long has he been single? How often does he have his kids? What's his relationship like with his ex? These are all things I'd be asking.

I introduced mine too soon as had no childcare. My kids didn't like his kids and were relieved when we split up.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 17:56

Very recently separated and at the moment he sees them a lot. Guess I’m just confused and not sure whether to knock it on its head before it gets even more serious (sorry I know no one can give me the answer to that)

OP posts:

lunar1 · 31/12/2018 17:57

You need to decide if you really don't want to do the young kid thing again. Because you would have to at some point if this became serious. If it's not for you then wouldn't it be better to end things now before it got serious.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 17:59

Agh I know. It’s just so annoying. He is amazing and I really really like him but just not sure whether I can do this ...

OP posts:

Sisterlove · 31/12/2018 17:59

I'd give it a miss. You're way passed that stage.

Mintychoc1 · 31/12/2018 18:07

I’ve been seeing my partner for nearly 3 years. My kids are 9 and 13, his are 19 and 22.
He obviously has far more free time than I do, especially as I have a demanding job, and my kids don’t have a dad (donor conceived).
In order to spend time with me (other than evenings chatting at home), he’s had to do a fair amount of bowling, watching kids playing football, waterparks, sledging - kid stuff that he’s already done. However, he can dip in and out, it’s not compulsory for him, so if he’s had enough he can just go home. So he doesn’t seem to mind. I guess you need to decide if you’d feel like that, or if you’d find the farm parks a chore.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 18:07

I would have to really really like him wouldn’t I?

OP posts:

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 18:10

Guess the other option is that we just see each other not often and just try and keep it fun and light

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 31/12/2018 18:16

If he's recently separated then no way would I get involved with him. He needs to process his separation, do some introspection and personal growth and come out the other side. You and your kids shouldn't be part of that process. You'll potentially be dragged into custody battles, contact arrangements, and countless arguments. You and your kids don't need that drama.

It took my divorce over 5 years to be finalised because my ex dragged his heels. He took me to court god knows how many times over the kids because they didn't want to go to his hers). I dread to think how his new partner (ow) coped with him in that time. She has my sympathy on that front.

BackInTheRoom · 31/12/2018 18:19

I'm purposely avoiding men who have younger kids. I just can't face it, even thinking about farm trips and tantrums exhaust me and because my marriage ended, this whole family dynamic makes me feel a bit sad?

TwistedStitch · 31/12/2018 18:22

Very recently separated and with 2 such young kids I'd run a mile personally.

NameChangeNugget · 31/12/2018 18:24

Keep it fun & light.

Look no further ahead than the next date and enjoy yourself

MaidenMotherCrone · 31/12/2018 18:28

I wouldn't have entertained the idea of having someone else's children in my or my children's lives. Blended families work for some couples (not necessarily for their children but what choice do they have?)

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 18:31

Thanks for all replies. I did try and end it last week but he persuaded me not to. And don’t think I really want to. I really want to be able to just enjoy myself and keep it light and casualish. But I am only human and not sure I can be that cool in reality

OP posts:

Whathappensnext2018 · 31/12/2018 18:31

He might not be equally ready to deal with the teenager stage either op. Fact of the matter is you both have kids and depending on your age the majority of men might have dc or if they don’t will have to be prepared to take on two teenagers so what you’ve got to ask yourself is if you’re prepared to access a man who has dc if the answer is no walk away.

Whathappensnext2018 · 31/12/2018 18:32

Accept not access oops

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 18:34

Whathappensnext thank you! That is so true. I’ve been making it all about me but you are right. Guess fact that he isn’t running is pretty impressive ...
Think it’s just that my kids have been with their dad for last few days and I have felt frustrated that I couldn’t see him lots during that time but actually I’m going to be more of the issue as of tomorrow

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 31/12/2018 18:36

A man who is so quick to enter another relationship so soon after a separation is on the rebound and is thinking with his dick and ego and needs both massaging. He obviously has no regard for his children in all this because he's not thinking of their needs. They all need to adapt to a new way of life and him being in a new relationship will affect that significantly.

He's already shown disregard for you and your feelings by persuading you to carry on when you've tried to end it. He is showing you how selfish he is. Believe him.

Are you that desperate for a man?

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 18:38

PerverseConverse yes that is my other concern ... Apparently there is such a thing as an “exit affair” and whilst not an affair as such this does worry me

OP posts:

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/12/2018 18:38

And no - definitely not desperate!

OP posts:

Ragwort · 31/12/2018 18:39

Agree with Peverse, I would be very wary of dating anyone who has ‘very recently’ ended a relationship (marriage?) regardless of the ages of the children. Why is he so keen to get involved with someone new so quickly?

TooManyPuppies · 31/12/2018 18:41

I'd give it a miss. You're way passed that stage.

Agree with this. Also recently separated its probably still too soon for him to commit.

I have always said if I would never date someone with kids. I have kids of my own but in general I'm not a kid person, I'd have a hard time pretending to like someone else's I had to see so often.

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