Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Text from another man on my Wife's phone telling her our relationship is a joke.

76 replies

Ishtak2000 · 31/12/2018 17:12

I've been tearing my hair out for awhile suspecting my partner of having an affair as she's always sneaking off with her phone and is so protective of it.

I managed to look at her phone when it was unlocked and there was a message to another man calling him 'Baby'. A lot of calls backwards and forwards with this man....who is a work colleague.

I confronted her about having an affair with him and she said he was a gay friend from work.

I was relieved and had told her that even though our relationship has been difficult for the past two years (with no physical contact - although I do want to be intimate with her) I want us to make things work.

(We've been together for 23 years).

Anyway, today while getting the house ready for guests she left her phone in the room after texting a friend. I saw it was unlocked and to my better judgement something compelled me to look at her messages....as I looked a message from 'unknown' came up. It was the number of the colleague I had suspected her of having an affair with....it was clearly part of a conversation with the rest of the thread deleted...

and it said ''That's ridiculous that u're doing that and that you bought that bloody house, when is this farce going to end??? Xxx''

We moved house about 6 months ago with the intention of it being a fresh start for us and our children (10 and 14).

Clearly something is going on with this colleague who is either her confidante....or is not gay and she's having an affair with him.....or he's a complete bastard and trying to sabotage our relationship..

I can only imagine that he means that our relationship is a farce as why else mention that we'd bought a house and he's in disbelief about something....she might have told him that she's thinking of making it work or being intimate with me....God knows....

What would anyone else think if they saw the following text on their partners phone?

'That's ridiculous that u're doing that and that you bought that bloody house, when is this farce going to end??? Xxx''

OP posts:

Isth · 31/12/2018 17:17

She’s blatantly having an affair with this guy. Sorry OP.

imbluedabedeba · 31/12/2018 17:20

I don't think definitely an affair but she's definitely been talking extremely negatively about you and your relationship. We all need a sorting bring board but his response seems to be implying you two shouldn't be together and he can only have got that from her. Sounds like the two of you need to talk

selkiesolstice · 31/12/2018 17:43

Yeh, maybe not an affair but it doesn't sound like she's been singing your praises.

bagpiss · 31/12/2018 18:04

Have you posted this same query several times op?

greendale17 · 31/12/2018 18:09

Sorry OP but she is having an affair. Time to get your affairs in order and then divorce her.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2018 18:11

Could be an affair, but definitely talking about how miserable she is in your marriage. Or both. Either way you have a problem on your hands.

PrettyLovely1 · 31/12/2018 18:15

Sounds like an affair to me. You clearly feel something ismt right thats why you keep checking up on her. Follow your gut.

Leatherandsilk · 31/12/2018 18:17

That message alone could be a friend she is slagging you off to, which is one problem. And means you really really need some help sorting out what the marital issues are.

Not being intimate for 2 years when you want to (so she is rejecting?) also an issue for which you need to seek help sorting whatever issues are driving it.

Calling someone else “baby” is odd, I wouldn’t buy the gay thing it’s too easy a get out clause, there is a chance but not a definite this is an affair.

Whichever of the above it is your relationship is in deep deep trouble and you need some external help.

I’d snoop a while first though to see if it is an affair (any other signs such as her going out at odd times? Being uncontactable? Does she have time away from you for this to happen). Then seek help for the rest if she isn’t screwing him.

I’m sorry op

SirVixofVixHall · 31/12/2018 18:21

I don’t think it sounds like an affair, it sounds more like a friend who thinks she should end the relationship.
Agree you need to have this out with her.

Hopoindown31 · 31/12/2018 18:32

Not usually one to say this but she has been spinning you a right line with the 'gay' friend.

I think she might be trying to engineer having her cake and eating it. Keeping lover boy around whilst having a nice new house off you the provider (neither of you are happy clearly but you are both sticking around so it is working for her). Possibly a narc?

Time for an ultimatum and some marriage counselling at the very least. Have a look at chump lady and 180 for some techniques of how to deal with this.

notapizzaeater · 31/12/2018 18:42

Have you actually sat down and talked about everything, the message, the lack of sex ?

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2018 18:55

Whether there's an affair or not, whether he is gay or not doesn't matter. She has expressed massive misgivings to people and they think she shouldn't be buying this house - and she has said nothing to you.

She has left this marriage.Do you want to cling on to that? Or do you want to get legal advice (like she already has)?

m0vinf0rward · 31/12/2018 19:11

The disrespectful nature of her messages would be enough for me to dump her ass. Get out whilst you still have some self respect and your sanity intact.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2018 19:24

If I were in your position, I would get a solicitor and file for divorce. Your marriage is over. Stop living this lie and move on. You deserve a partner who respects you, and your wife certainly doesn't.

greendale17 · 31/12/2018 19:24

I amazed the number of people saying not an affair.

If this was a woman posting this everyone would be screaming affair.

YetAnotherUser · 31/12/2018 19:29

Affair or not, it's highly inappropriate and an obvious breach of trust.

I'd be looking to exit the relationship, it seems there's very little left to salvage.

Hopoindown31 · 31/12/2018 19:33

@greendale17

MN double standard. If a manis doing it - LTB! If a woman is doing it - have you talked about it? Are you doing your fair share of housework?

53rdWay · 31/12/2018 19:45

I would think it’s an affair. But even on the off-chance it’s not, she’s pretty clearly not very invested in this new start for your relationship. You can only make it work if both people want to make it work, it doesn’t sound like she does.

TooManyPuppies · 31/12/2018 19:51

MN double standard. If a manis doing it - LTB! If a woman is doing it - have you talked about it? Are you doing your fair share of housework?

Exactly... Cue all the people in the thread jumping to their defense saying "No I'd give exactly the same advice to anyone in this situation man or woman" which we all know is crap because we have seen the double standards play out all the time...

53rdWay · 31/12/2018 19:56

Nobody’s told him to do more housework, responses on here seem pretty much 100% “no this isn’t good”. Maybe save the overwrought handwringing about MN being anti-men for another thread and give the poor OP some actual advice?

custardcream1000 · 31/12/2018 19:57

I admit it doesn't look good, but that message could be about a whole host of things unrelated to your relationship. For example, has the house needed lots of work or has their been issues with financing it? That message could relate to things like that. Either way I would keep monitoring their conversations and see if your gut instinct is right - hopefully it's all innocent.

pissedonatrain · 31/12/2018 21:52

Agree with doing some further snooping.

Affair or not, she's opened the door to one by slagging you off to this guy.

And if she has this sort of vitriol towards you and the marriage, it is indeed over. Something I wish I would have listened to when this was done to me.

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/12/2018 23:01

She's told you the person is gay so she can remain in contact with him, so you won't suspect that she is in a sexual relationship with him, or insist that she has to cease contact.

She wants 'the lifestyle' but not you.

He's pissed because she's intent on living in denial to keep up appearances, and is calling her out on it.

Sorry op

merville · 31/12/2018 23:14

It sounds too vehement to me to be just a friend/confidante.

That vehemence sounds more like someone who is invested/emotional/frustrated/angry to a level beyond confidante.

Seems like an affair, I wouldn't confront and lose your advantage; I'd snoop, snoop and snoop some more.

cloudchaos · 31/12/2018 23:55

That sounds like just a friend to me. Why don't you suggest she invites him over for dinner if they are friends then you should be able to get to know him too.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread