Text from another man on my Wife's phone telling her our relationship is a joke.

[Ishtak2000]

I've been tearing my hair out for awhile suspecting my partner of having an affair as she's always sneaking off with her phone and is so protective of it.

I managed to look at her phone when it was unlocked and there was a message to another man calling him 'Baby'. A lot of calls backwards and forwards with this man....who is a work colleague.

I confronted her about having an affair with him and she said he was a gay friend from work.

I was relieved and had told her that even though our relationship has been difficult for the past two years (with no physical contact - although I do want to be intimate with her) I want us to make things work.

(We've been together for 23 years).

Anyway, today while getting the house ready for guests she left her phone in the room after texting a friend. I saw it was unlocked and to my better judgement something compelled me to look at her messages....as I looked a message from 'unknown' came up. It was the number of the colleague I had suspected her of having an affair with....it was clearly part of a conversation with the rest of the thread deleted...

and it said ''That's ridiculous that u're doing that and that you bought that bloody house, when is this farce going to end??? Xxx''

We moved house about 6 months ago with the intention of it being a fresh start for us and our children (10 and 14).

Clearly something is going on with this colleague who is either her confidante....or is not gay and she's having an affair with him.....or he's a complete bastard and trying to sabotage our relationship..

I can only imagine that he means that our relationship is a farce as why else mention that we'd bought a house and he's in disbelief about something....she might have told him that she's thinking of making it work or being intimate with me....God knows....

What would anyone else think if they saw the following text on their partners phone?

'That's ridiculous that u're doing that and that you bought that bloody house, when is this farce going to end??? Xxx''

Good grief man. I’m so sorry. I’ve been following your thread and frankly I suspected as much. But to your credit you finally got the truth. And knowing it, as painful as it feels, is progress. It’s common have such a cruel deception to want to blame the other man/woman and to call them and read them the riot act.

However I think it more important to look after yourself. Your own MH and family. Clearly your relationship is over. You’ll want time to process all this. You deserve to meet someone who loves and cares for you.

Step back, take a breath.
Get all of your financial documents, look for any secret bank accounts of hers. Get the passports and any other legal documents and copy them. Ask around for a solicitor and have a chat.

You don’t have to make any rash decisions, but 4 years of deceit is a bit much.

I really don't know as it hasn't sunk in yet....at the moment I'm in denial as there had been the sense of a reconnection, of us actually being closer to each other than we had for a long time....and it felt good, but in time I may feel it was all an act to keep me happy and keep her cake and eat it.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s awful and tough.
Don’t do the pick me dance. That’s the majority advice on here.

Thanks everyone.....I really really wanted to believe it was a toxic gay friend from work.....it was the comments on here which made me wake up and confront her and keep pushing to get the truth.....thanks for the Occams Razor reference and the links from some of you as they have really helped.

Just read the updates...4 years...ouch...I couldn't come back from that.

I'm just some random internet person, but if it were me, I'd be asking her to move out for a while. Sure, make arrangements so she can see the kids, but I couldn't live with her now. You can't force her of course - but worth a shot.

No point ringing the other guy. If, by chance, he has a wife or girlfriend, then absolutely contact her if you can, but he knew what he was doing (and in fairness he made no promises or vows to you - your wife is the one who betrayed you).

Good Luck....

Thanks AusFrosty,

She claims that he's single (a single guy waiting 4 years for a married woman to leave her husband?) probably so I won't investigate and find out he has a partner to be told.

Maybe she thought it would carry on forever and she would not get caught.

The bottom line is that we moved house 6 months ago and it was meant to be a fresh start....except I never had a chance and she never attempted to reconnect with me as she was sleeping with this guy all the time we were moving into our new house and settling in.

She doesn't want the leave our home and really had not thought of the repercussions, the impact of actually living apart and sharing custody.

I asked her about that text and what had been so ridiculous, was it the fact that she was performing a role to appease me as they had obviously told each other they loved each other and wanted to be together. Was it his anger at her telling him she wanted to try with me or was it her taking the piss out of my attempts of reconnection.

Either way she told me she couldn't remember what she had told him, which is complete nonsense. It must have been something very offensive about our relationship - in a text sent 30 mins after she had been lying on my lap while I played with her hair and our 10 year old son was hugging us.

The last 4 years of my life have been taken from me emotionally by someone who never supported me through my problems in that time as they were clearly invested in someone else. They then used those problems to excuse their cheating.

I feel like I've been emotionally abused with years of gaslighting but understand that an affair can be a symptom of a broken relationship.

I don't know what to do about logistics, I don't want to move out of the family home and can't really afford to move into another house with enough room for our children.

Our children don't share the same space as our autistic son is aggressive towards his younger brother and doesn't communicate.

Our relationship took it's toll as we had to constantly separate our children to safeguard our youngest....on a daily basis this wore us down and even when we went on holiday this meant sitting at different tables in restaurants or different seats on buses.

I'm in shock as I had woken up to the risk of losing my partner (particularly after being through the grief process of losing my mum a year ago).

Here's another link that may give you food for thought

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

I agree ringing the other bloke wouldn't help. He's been "with" your wife for 4 years out of his own life, he's probably been led up the garden path to a certain extent and may be very bullish. It would just be a shouting match I suspect. It would upset you, and you have to out yourself No 1 at this point.

If the children have to be separated that much for your youngest child's safety, it may be something to consider if the eldest lived with her and the youngest with you and they met at the weekends during custody visits. Every alternate weekend at each house so both of you get the two together every other week?

Stop blaming yourself op. You wouldn't be the first couple who drifted apart under the pressures of parenthood.

If she wasn't happy she could've talked to you, suggested counselling, suggested separation. Instead, she started an affair and sustained it for years, lying to you and your children every single day. I'd bet everything that her dissatisfaction with your marriage started at the exact time she met her affair partner, and after that you didn't stand a chance. You were in a competition you didn't know you were in, competing with the excitement of a new relationship.

Very cruel of her to deny intimacy for years, and to talk about a fresh start whilst committing to a new home and mortgage.

Don't contact him. He knew she was married, and the impact it would have on you and your children, and he didn't care; you are not going to tell him anything he doesn't know or suddenly make him question his behaviour.

Let him have her. It will be interesting to see whether they survive mundane domesticity and parenting together. I imagine looking after your dc full time and working full time (as she will have to do) will put a dent in her passion.

But first, see a solicitor. She is already ten steps ahead of you, you need to understand your options.

There is no hurry for you to do anything.
Act in haste, repent at leisure springs to mind.

She may try reconnect when she realises what she is about to loose but you simply cant trust her not to do this again. She can communicate with him when at work via skype or anything similar without you even knowing
Take One day at a time. Love is basically an addiction to another person and you are going very cold Turkey.
Id see a solicitor so you are at least armed with some facts and dont make her any promises!

What a horrible situation and what a manipulative sneaky underhand bitch she is.

With the situation with the children as you describe - that is undoubtedly a massive strain for a relationship. I'd ask her what logistical plans she'd made about this. She and he have surely spoken about future plans from the text he sent saying 'when is this farce going to stop'

Though the ‘farce’ could equally be about their relationship being in an off for 4 years.

But either way there is little doubt you wife will have been slagging you off to him - its seems to be a very common trait amongst cheaters.

Urgh. Can you really stay in a marriage with someone who has been that savage? It's not even the affair (for 4 years!) that's the kicker it's the buying a house for fresh start whilst still seeing him. It's not even giving you a chance. The guy gets all his cues from her-what on earth has she been saying to him to warrant that level of disgust. I'm sorry but if she stays with you it won't be because she loves you it will be because it's easier.

I'm sorry I sound so harsh but OP you deserve so much more respect than that. It will be hard at the beginning but at least it eventually gives you a chance to find someone else that will treat you with some dignity. Good luck and remember to put yourself first. Dc need parents that love them-parents don't need to be together to do that.

Neither of you should have the burden of your autistic child full time. It should be shared...otherwise it's unfair.

Let her pursue a relationship with him. Get yourself out of infidelity. Right now you're just a financial coparent to her.

Don't beg or plead.

Do the 180

The 180 it is not designed to manipulate your cheating spouse. It's to empower you

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Your wife knows what she told him.

That you don't sleep together...you're just parenting and meanwhile she pretends all is well...including the house purchase...that is why he said it's a joke...she knows it and has played you for a fool

Read No more Mr. Niceguy by Robert Glover

It's available on PDF version.

It’s such a painful feeling, that you were trying to get things back on track and thought you were doing it together. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

There's a lot going on at the moment. There's a lot of pain on both sides.
I have a lot of close female friends and she thinks that I had affairs with some of them as we were very close. Not emotional affair territory close though. At the time she was very jealous and I wound down some of the friendships.

I went to China on a work project for a week and one of my female colleagues was collaborating on the project. I didn't tell her about my friend being there also and she found out and thought it was an affair when there was 100% nothing going on....I just didn't say anything as it was causing too much arguments and she was angry that my job entailed me travelling and having 'fun' stuff to do.

In Malaysia I visited an old college friend and never told her as it would have caused a lot of jealousy and anger and I guess I retrospectively was probably really lonely then...

That was in 2014, then in 2015 I got a job that involved a massive amount of overwork and stress and I disengaged from our relationship as I focused on work. When I was with her I was just on my laptop working and neglecting her.

These are all reasons why she needed to connect emotionally with someone. She said the affair had been 4 years, that sometimes it would be breaks of a few months at a time and sometimes she would only see him once every few weeks.

She still denies that he has a partner and insists that he has stayed single all this time.

I take part of the blame for creating an environment where she felt so neglected that she needed emotional support from another man and that became her vice.

My vices when all this stress hit became drugs, overworking, gambling and pornography - and these all helped to detach us from each other.

Maybe if she had communicated her feelings and explained everything 4 years ago or so then non of this would have happened.

If I had been less selfish in my own actions this would not have happened.

She's devastated and frightened, upset by all the damage caused and probably the pain of being found out.

I need to take the time out to think about what I want and what I want for our children. What I want for me.

She's devastated and frightened, upset by all the damage caused and probably the pain of being found out.

It's the being found out that's bugging her and the uncertainty of what you'll do.

If she is remorseful... and I'm saying this because I don't think you want a divorce... then I suggest she goes to www.survivinginfidelity.com and posts her side of this on the wayward spouse thread.

She will get support (not abuse) from fellow wayward who have been where she is. Even just reading there will be good for her.

If you can ... I'd say go away and get some thinking space. Leave her to deal with it all for a few days.

Try and get the truth about her feelings too. I think you're convenient...and splitting up with your son is probably what's kept her with you so far...as well as the financial side.

Her boyfriend thinks it's a farce..true..so why doesn't she go to him now it's all out.

Well I can see how it might have got to the point of an affair.
But 4 years!!!?? I mean really.
And she didn’t think at any point I have to leave my dh or leave my AP.

She just used you both, him to fill the whole in her marriage, you to be the husband role.

I just can’t believe she thought this was ok to either of you.
He’s not had a relationship in 4 years, you’ve had 4 years of being lied to.

I just can’t see how you can come back from something that’s been going on for this long.

All of that sounds very very damaging (how bad was the drugs and gambling?). But do you know what? Shagging someone else and lying about it for 4 YEARS isn’t excusable. For me with ex DH it wasn’t the actual affair it was the fact he could lie straight to my face.

Once someone can do that it’s dead in the water, I am not a believer in things being fixable.

You need to work logistics of the split out, you are bad for each other. Sorry to be harsh. She’s a total and utter bitch.

The drugs and gambling was bad...I would be up all night neglecting her to gamble and go out sometimes all night on drugs....I can see why she responded with an affair.

Our autistic son would attack us daily with violence and the stress made us turn on each other and find our own escape routes.

About 2 years ago I had a breakdown and was quite ill, I told her all sorts of things that upset her, that really devastated her and I acted like I was single. She didn't leave and things were really bad then plus we had options as we were living in a rental while we rented our old house out. We had two houses effectively so she could have easily gone then....

I amended my ways in terms of acting the goat and going out all the time as I saw that the grass is never greener on the other side and that I didn't want to break up my family so I came back and worked on our relationship.

Unfortunately I took her for granted and continued with gambling and secret drug use until about 4 months ago when I started to get myself back into one piece mentally.

Well it's all fairly academic now, I understand you Harbour guilt as you were a crap partner to say the least, but she was having a relationship for the past 4 years so there's a whole lot of mess to go round here.

I think your marriage has suffered too many wounds, all of them would be fatal on their own, tbh.

I recon he is gay.
I think you know you are not perfect, but instead of changing and Improving your family life your using her behaviour to excuse who you are.
Talk to her, ask what your doing that upsets her so much.