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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it too soon..

29 replies

mandy151 · 31/12/2018 09:38

Hi. Could I ask for some opinions please. I have been separated from my husband since may. A friend of mine who is male and whom I get on well with asked me if I'd like to go for a drink this evening. I would like to but I think if my stbx found out he would go mad even though he is on dating sites himself. Is it too soon to accept his invite for a drink

OP posts:
LIZS · 31/12/2018 09:41

Why would you care about stbx reaction? He is moving on why can't/shouldn't you. Was he controlling or abusive?

OhioOhioOhio · 31/12/2018 09:42

Why do you give a shit what your stbxh thinks? Go!

TwitterQueen1 · 31/12/2018 09:42

Whatever anyone but you thinks is completely irrelevant. What do YOU think? How do YOU feel about it? FWIW it's an invitation for a drink, not a proposal Wink

BrusselPout · 31/12/2018 09:59

If you want to go, go! As for the stbxh - what he thinks is irrelevant as your life is now none of his business!

Prinstress · 31/12/2018 09:59

Bloody go. Forget stbxh even exists. Enjoy yourself!

Notacluethisxmas · 31/12/2018 10:10

Too soon to go for a drink?

Why does you ex's opinion matter? If he is on dating sites, his has probably been on dates anyway.

I wouldn't have given 2 shits about exh opinion.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 31/12/2018 10:11

If you feel ready then it's not too soon. I started seeing my now DH 2 months after I split up with ex-H.....there is no right amount of time.
It's also go nothing to do with your ex

hellsbellsmelons · 31/12/2018 10:17

There is no 'right' amount of time.
Fuck what your Ex thinks. Your life and your choices are now absolutely nothing to do with him.
It's New Year - go out and see how you get on.
You've nothing to lose!!!
Go for it!!!

SantaClauseMightWork · 31/12/2018 10:20

Don’t lower your standards for anyone. Don’t let this experience stop you from meeting someone new.

userxx · 31/12/2018 10:27

I'd say it's a decent amount of time and fuck what your ex thinks.

NotTheFordType · 31/12/2018 10:28

If you don't feel ready yet, just be honest with yourself (and him) and say"I'm not ready for that yet. "

If you do feel ready then say bollix to your ex and go for it :)

category12 · 31/12/2018 10:35

Why would your ex even know? Do you live together still?

crimsonlake · 31/12/2018 12:07

I think there is a right amount of time if you were considering starting a relationship. Start one too soon after a break up which you are not over means that if you are not over the other one and this one goes pear shaped you will have double the heartache. That said in no way should you be taking your ex's feelings in to account if you actually want to accept .

Original poster
mandy151 · 31/12/2018 12:13

Thanks everyone for opinions. No we have been living apart since may. Yeah he has been so manipulative and emotionally abusive since splitting up. He thinks he can bully me into getting bk together. Threatening suicide on many occasions and saying if he sees me with another man. He will break their 2 legs. I just feel he is such a bully and won't allow me to have any life at all. He has grabbed my phone off me twice since may and read all messages. To a few friends who I've told about his antics and who have given me advice now he says he is taking me to court for emotional abuse and slander but all I did was tell them the truth about his behavior and asked them for advice. All this has made me so paranoid

OP posts:
category12 · 31/12/2018 12:22

You should speak to the police about his harassment and get some legal advice. Take his behaviour seriously and protect yourself. He's no right to do any of this and you shouldn't be living like this. Consider getting a non molestation order.

userxx · 31/12/2018 12:23

What a vile bully he is, well done for leaving him. I'd go on the date, it sounds like you could do with a bit of happiness in your life.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2018 12:25

Go on the date if you want.

Report his threats to the police.

Keep your communication in writing.

If you have kids with him...think about a third party for drop offs.

Prinstress · 02/01/2019 09:56

Did you end up going for your drink OP?

Original poster
mandy151 · 02/01/2019 22:21

No I didn't go as I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it and would feel very on edge. My ex is a prick and I don't trust him. He has said before a few months ago if I ever bring another man into our kids life my life won't be worth living and will break their legs. I know it's just threats but I wouldn't put it past him either. As he has acted so irrational and abusive since we split up in may. It's just not worth angering him but also feel like why shouldn't be allowed to live my life now too..

OP posts:
LovingLola · 02/01/2019 22:23

Put a PIN number on your phone for starters

Haffiana · 02/01/2019 23:14

And you are not calling the police because..?

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 02/01/2019 23:23

I am also separated from a emotionally abusive man, who has played a lot of manipulative games etc etc.
I think you have to be honest with yourself and the situation. Yes he shouldn't be controlling you but if you still have unfinished business with him, eg separating finances, house, children etc etc, then why would you make your life more difficult? You know its going to cause you trouble, if you think its worth it than fine, but i personally would sort out the divorce stuff first, just purely to keep your life as easy as possible. Yes in an ideal world it shouldn't have to be like this, but look at the reality of the situation. Good luck

Prinstress · 03/01/2019 14:04

Were these threats verbal or do you have texts/other evidence?

It's such a shame he seems to still be holding you hostage despite the split, you could consider reporting him to police for threats, although they may not take action, at least it's on record in case anything does escalate?

There's obviously no rush to be launching into a relationship but you should be able to accept an invitation for a festive drink with a friend, whether they have a penis or not Flowers

category12 · 03/01/2019 14:07

You really need to consider going to the police about his threats and harassment, OP.

TheWiseWomansFear · 03/01/2019 14:12

You need to call the police, those threats are abusive and controlling. You are his ex wife, he has 0 day in your romantic life

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