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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“It’s kind of unfair that your Dad did all the work, but your Mum got the house”

37 replies

why100000 · 30/12/2018 21:50

Is what my ex’s nephew apparently said to my dd (they are cousins), when they first found out that ex and I were divorced, or what the outcome of the divorce was.

Angry

Which means that this is what his parents have been saying, and what ex has been saying to his entire family. Which means that they probably all think that. Very upsetting.

For context, ex and I were together for 22 years, and the division of assets was fair. I got “the house”, but ex got money and several other assets.

During the years we were together I was a SAHM to our three dc for 13 years, and worked for 8 years. So I contributed financially and through childcare. Not only that, I brought an asset to the pot via an inheritance, as well as some money. I bet ex hasn’t told his family that it is my inheritance which paid the mortgage off Angry, or that I routinely paid for holidays and things like that Angry.

Honestly I don’t know how I will ever get over what they must all think of me and the version of events which ex must be presenting to them Angry.

How do you get over it??

OP posts:
SantaClauseMightWork · 30/12/2018 21:55

Explain this to your DD. Turn this into a very good learning opportunity for her. At her age, children have enough sense to convey all this. This might well be the time they learnt the truth.
If they don’t realise he has other assets and it was fair, they will find out through your DD. If they do know and still say this, your DD will see their real faces. And will learn more.

chumbal · 30/12/2018 21:56

What horrible things people say about situations they do not understand Angry

You are understandably angry and upset.

Hopefully your children don't fully understand how nasty and unkind these comments areSad

Only you know the real truth about your marriage, no-one else.

Sending you Thanks

springydaff · 30/12/2018 21:57

Hang on -

That's a kid saying that (?).

You have NO IDEA what they're saying or not saying but you've painted a picture and coloured it in. I'm not having a go at you, this is called catastrophising. It's what we do when we're frightened and feel very threatened.

Flowers
Original poster
why100000 · 30/12/2018 21:58

My DD does know and apparently did say to her cousin that I had “only” got the house, whereas her Dad got money and several other assets.

I am glad she said that, but for her cousin to be saying that means that his entire extended family must be saying it Sad.

I knew this was the version of events ex would be presenting to the world, but this really confirms it.

I am totally not in touch with ex’s family so in that sense why should I care, but I feel tainted by it Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
why100000 · 30/12/2018 22:01

He is 15. My dd is 14.

Only you know the real truth about your marriage, no-one else.

Yes - I don’t think ex has told him that he had a short temper, that I walked on eggshells, and that he would spend weeks and weeks at a time not talking to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
why100000 · 30/12/2018 22:01

Thanks for the flowers.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 30/12/2018 22:10

They'll know once he's with someone else and the pattern repeats.
And don't assume his family don't know what he's really like. Somebody has said what the cousin repeated, that doesn't mean all of them are saying it.

chumbal · 30/12/2018 22:11

Hold your nerve, you know what happened.

Wishing you future happiness for you and your children.

New Year, New beginnings Smile

NeverTwerkNaked · 30/12/2018 22:17

I talked about this at length with a psychologist when I split from my ex who had been really nasty to me but I knew all his family would be hearing a really different version of events.

Don’t worry about the judgment of people who only see some of the pieces of the jigsaw. “The world is as we perceive it, not as it really is”.

Original poster
why100000 · 30/12/2018 22:41

Sorry, I didn’t mean that my ex should have told his nephew what he was really like in the relationship - just that he won’t have told all his siblings etc...

I feel like drawing up a précis of our divorce settlement and sending it to ex’s entire family, as well as ex Angry. Just to remind him of the truth Angry. He’s also getting a further lump sum of money from me in March - bet he won’t mention that to his family either. It is just too convenient and easy for him to play the victim.

Thanks for your kind messages. Yes, New Year, new beginnings. Yes and it is true that they only see some of the jigsaw.

OP posts:
Original poster
why100000 · 30/12/2018 22:42

(Ex’s own adult siblings I mean, not his nephew’s!)

OP posts:
glitterypink · 30/12/2018 23:10

Been there, done that and they are still stirring the cauldron.
Seriously, you just have to shut off from it. You're divorced, you have a new life. Let them talk. That's exactly what I do now!

Santaclarita · 30/12/2018 23:32

Eh I wouldn't assume what a 15 year old is saying is what the family thinks. He's old enough to say things to hurt someone else deliberately. A young child will parrot what older people say. It's possible that the cousin just wanted to hurt your daughter. Still not right, but teenagers are cruel.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 30/12/2018 23:38

Don’t let someone in the cheap seats have an expensive opinion in your life.

Travisandthemonkey · 31/12/2018 00:13

Don’t bother sending anything
You know the truth
He knows the truth
Now you know an extra lovely thing about him
Hold your head high and walk away

Sisterlove · 31/12/2018 00:24

I hope the split is a fair one. It sounds like you're paying him a bit of money.

PinkCalluna · 31/12/2018 00:40

for her cousin to be saying that means that his entire extended family must be saying it

He’s 15yo! He can form his own (incorrect) opinions without it being a parrot of his parents.

Doesn’t your 14yo form her own views? Confused

Original poster
why100000 · 31/12/2018 00:46

Thanks for all messages.

I don’t understand your comment about a bit of money sisterlove. The assets were divided fairly. As part of his half ex got some assets and some money.

Hold your head high and walk away - yes, I will.

I hope you’re right Santaclarita - I hope dd’s cousin saying that doesn’t mean everyone else thinks it too, but I have my doubts. I know my ex is very good at playing the hard done by person.

OP posts:
Original poster
why100000 · 31/12/2018 00:52

I guess the settlement was quite complex - I just feel that for dd’s cousin to make the remark he did, means that the adults around him have made things look a certain way. Which in turn means that ex has been very economical with the whole picture.

But maybe you and other are right PinkCalluna.

On the other hand, to say that his uncle did “all the work” while I did nothing and then got “a house”, seems like a very misogynistic thing for a 15 year old to be saying / thinking in 2018, so he must have got that opinion from somewhere. How did he even know what I was doing for the duration of my relationship with ex - he was not born and extremely small for a lot of it.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 31/12/2018 00:56

Been there. You don't owe anybody an explanation. Let them think what they like. Flowers

Original poster
why100000 · 31/12/2018 00:56

And I know that ex has attacked me in this way in the past - “did the bitches who advised you also sit on their fat arses doing nothing” he said on one occasion during the divorce. I feel like his nephew’s comment is just more of the same, albeit watered down.

What did they all expect me to do - go and live in a tent while ex kept everything?

OP posts:
Original poster
why100000 · 31/12/2018 00:57

Thanks Monty.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 31/12/2018 01:00

The fair thing is that the children got to stay in thair home rather than a corner of a roach infested bedsit.

Original poster
why100000 · 31/12/2018 01:09

Yes it is about them, my dc. I suppose that’s the nuance which dd’s cousin hasn’t quite grasped.

OP posts:
PinkCalluna · 31/12/2018 01:33

seems like a very misogynistic thing for a 15 year old to be saying / thinking in 2018, so he must have got that opinion from somewhere

It does indeed but sadly misogyny is alive and well in 2018 even in teenagers.

He might have heard his parents discussing the settlement but made the judgements on his own. They could have said quite neutrally “well of course Why got the house because she was a SAHM* that doesn’t mean they said that it was unfair, or that they think badly of you at all.

Your EX sounds unpleasant but his family will always be your DD’s family. Don’t fall out with them because of the ill informed judgements of a 15 yo boy. For all you know his parents would be horrified at his comments.

I’d make sure your DD understands the settlement in broad strokes so that she can re-educate her cousin if it comes up again.

Flowers