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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My MIL drives me crazy - help !!!

43 replies

Lost88 · 30/12/2018 21:30

Hello my lovelies, it will be long, I need to get it out- and need some advice from more experienced ladies.

I am 30 and relationship with MIL is ok, married for 2 years

Any type of arrangements/meetings are an absolutely nightmare with her. She's often changing plans last minute or doesn't have any respect or consideration for other people's time. For example:

-She says she will come over in 1h - she's not here for another 2h+, in that time I am waiting like a fucking idiot

  • Changing the meetings location and timings to accommodate and include her daughter
  • Gatecrashing giving us 1h notice, calls my husband and asking if she can come - never me. What can he say when she calls out of the blue?! Hold on I will ask my wife?! Can you imagine how this would make me look like if I said no? Bad villain.
  • Christmas at her and on Christmas Eve - TV full on loud after I went to sleep , when she knows I don't have ability to deal with loud bangs etc. because of my anxiety. Our bedroom was just above where the TV was, then she had a loud conversation with her daughter in he hallway, I haven't slept at all - said nothing as it wasn't our house -hoping that I will be able to put my head down next day :(
  • Christmas Day - same story - TV incredibly loud, fighting for sleep, ended up crying to my husband that I can't stay there and will go home on my own and pick him up next day. Of course he said we are going home together, told her we are going , packed everything etc.

I could write one example after another until tomorrow - It's not like this is happening once in a while, it's happening on a regular basis and I am really tired of it. I really stopped believing that this sweet/kind lady is just stupid and not to know what she's doing, although she's playing the best MIL ever.

Today we had an argument because of her - I was going for a massage and she called DH if she can pop in around 1h, not a problem as he's in anyway. I just reminded him that we agreed to go for a coffee after my massage I also said that if they just come in and I will be on my way back it will look stupid when he asks them to leave and knowing his mother it will take her 3h and I am not prepared to wait here for here or go for a coffee with them and he will need to take care of his own visitors. This was final straw to me because all my frustration came out and my tone of voice and attitude was quite shitty so we had a massive row. Guess what ? she didn't even show up for another 2h! I came back and we weren't talking so he told her to pick him up and went out for a coffee - thanks fuck for that as I didn't want to see anyone.

I don't have family in this Country and I do want to have a good relationship but sometimes she is really suffocating. DH has a very good relationship with her and wants to obviously keep both of us happy.

My priority is me and my husband. I want to have a good relationship but I don't have a clue how do I sort this out ? I had few 1-2-1's in the past but the idea of talking to her literally makes me sick. What do I say and how do I say it to not destroy anything?! I can already see her going all lovey-lovely innocent pretending she doesn't know what I am on about etc.

Sometimes I feel she can be really manipulative but of course he won't see it.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 30/12/2018 21:59

It sounds like her life is an endless round of visiting and coffees. She probably doesn't think it matters to be on time, so is never on time.

The thing with her having the t.v. on loud, could your dh not have popped down and asked her to be quieter? Talking with her daughter in the hall could have been thoughtlessness, not being used to having other people in the house.
Does she choose times to visit when you're in after work, weekends etc? Is your spare time spent waiting for her to visit? Or has it got to the stage of feeling like it?

You need to have a proper talk with your dh. Make a list if it helps. I expect he doesn't see much of this as a problem.

And be busy when she says she's coming round. Wait til she turns up if necessary. Will your dh change his opinion of the visits if he has to entertain her throughout, and wait in for her?

Original poster
Lost88 · 30/12/2018 22:19

They were all sitting in the lounge and it was simply awkward for me to come down and ask for it.

She visits in my spare time - mainly on the weekends but lately a lot because of the Xmas break.

It got to the stage when I nearly hit the roof today. Months and months of frustration.

We are still not perfectly fine after our row, tomorrow don't want to ruin our evening etc. so will probably wait couple of days.

I made a few very polite comments about that to get her to understand but nothing came out of it. Yesterday she did the same thing - she's on the way back from the shopping and she will pop it in 15 min to drop my jacket (an excuse). Luckily DH was asleep and he didn't hear her ringing. She then started ringing me which she very rarely does - I didn't pick up. Didn't want to see her and her spoilt, entitled daughter (I know sounds horrible). After 2h I messaged her that we were asleep.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 31/12/2018 06:31

The time thing would annoy me! I’d ask what time she is going to arrive and tell her that you have an appointment and will need to leave at a certain time. If she arrives 2 hours late again
“Oh wow, remember I said I need to leave here x o’clock. You said you would be here 2 hours ago. Sorry, must be going in 10mins, will have to be a super quick visit”

LemonTT · 31/12/2018 08:43

Some of this is her, the lateness and spontaneous drop ins and some of it is you and your anxiety. The best thing to do is not turn it into a battleground for you husband. For that to happen you have to agree some reasonable compromises.

The first thing to do is recognise that your anxiety means you are not able to tolerate certain situations and behaviours. The lateness and drop ins are prime examples. Which nobody should tolerate. She probably won’t recognise this as a problem so you husband needs to explain why he behaviour is unacceptable anyway but particularly for you. Then say that if she can’t or doesn’t arrive when scheduled then the visit should be cancelled. No more drop ins, they give notice and check it is convenient. These are reasonable boundaries.

The TV and talking in her home at Christmas when you are visiting is bad hosting. But I don’t think you can tell her not to do it. It comes under things you have to be able to cope with in life. I suffer from anxiety and dislike noise. But I would call this as your issue and would have been irritated with the crying to go home in your husband’s position.

Earplugs if you go again or try to find ways to cope. This is your issue and whilst your husband should be supportive, that’s only to the extent that you manage your anxiety. He shouldn’t have to turn his life upside down for it. The risk is that not only will it control your life but his and that is not good.

Original poster
Lost88 · 31/12/2018 09:59

Thank you all for your advise. She knows how to make my husband guilty or feel bad - she mastered an emotional blackmail on him over the years, just wondering if he will actually speak to her or if this would be too much for him. Nobody's perfect. If I will have to end up talking to her .........

OP posts:
LemonTT · 31/12/2018 10:45

OP. Before you point the finger at your MIL reflect on your own. Threatening to leave early on your own is an ultimatum and is emotional blackmail. As is an adult crying and an adult citing a manageable health issue as an excuse not to tolerate a few late nights.

It’s your husband who is caught in the middle of poor behaviour by you and his mother.

Original poster
Lost88 · 31/12/2018 10:54

Oi, I didn't threatened anyone, I politely explained to my husband that I need to go home and he is more than welcome to stay and I pill pick him up. Wondering what would you do if you were awake for nearly 36hours, understand you are a Wonder Woman.

OP posts:
Mummylife2018 · 31/12/2018 11:06

No need to be so rude @Lost88 !!! PP was giving you constructive criticism - very much a part of asking for advice! No need to say "Oi" - very very rude!!!!!!

Original poster
Lost88 · 31/12/2018 11:20

Not as rude as suggesting/assuming that I am emotionally blackmailing my husband, thanks anyway. Happy New Year.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 31/12/2018 11:51

To be fair to your mil I cannot really see what she is doing wrong, apart from being very lax with her timekeeping. Try ear plugs next time you stay, you cannot change the way she is but you can control your response which seems over the top, but it due to your anxiety.

funnylittlefloozie · 31/12/2018 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lost88 · 31/12/2018 12:06

Most of reasonable adults after reading that I don't have family in this Country would realise that English is not my first language. Any reasonable adult wouldn't assume I am not on the medication - which I have been on for last 5 years. Looks like you are clearly here for a little bit of drama and to proof your point. Yawn. Have a good day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost88 · 31/12/2018 12:09

Crimsonlake - I know I can't change her and I am not perfect myself, don't think will be staying there anytime soon anyway. Probably need to pull myself to speak to her about her timekeeping.

OP posts:
Lovinglifemostly · 31/12/2018 13:47

Lost88 you sound like you can fight your own battles to me !

LindaLa · 31/12/2018 13:50

She's a control freak.

She wants to alpha you in your own home.
Just say no.

Tell your husband he has to back you.

Sending you strength

olympicsrock · 31/12/2018 13:54

You sound like hard work to me. Your mother in law sounds a bit relaxed with her time keeping but this could just be resolved with an explanation that it is inconvenient. She is entitled to make a bit of noise in her own home. I think your anxiety is making you intolerant.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 31/12/2018 14:02

Have one set day /evening each week for her to visit. If she doesn't keep to it offer no others. Curtains closed, door locked - you aren't available.... Remind your dh there is only 2 of you in your marriage.
My ex ils used to drive 20 odd miles on the off chance we were in. Hell to pay if we weren't. We all had phones!!

LindaLa · 31/12/2018 14:02

Stop with the anxiety knocking.

It's not about mil being relaxed with time keeping, that fine in her house.

She is not at home.

Your house, your rules.

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 14:03

You both sound quite hard work tbh. Admittedly some of that is due to your anxiety but They were all sitting in the lounge and it was simply awkward for me to come down and ask for it. is your fault.

Your DH needs to step up and put boundaries into place as to giving more notice or saying no sometimes or pulling his mother up when she doesn't turn up when she says she will, but you also need to say something too. She's not a mindreader and needs a chance to be able to put things right. You need to spell things out clearly so there is no room for misunderstandings.

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 14:06

The trouble is you are not saying anything and then the pressure cooker lid explodes and you over react - eg when you had to go home early. By saying something to the small things - even if they seem quite petty because they are so small, then you stop the bigger things occurring in the first place.

ThePastafarian · 31/12/2018 14:09

The level of your reaction to some light criticism on here suggests the problem doesn't lie solely with your MiL.

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 14:12

Actually pasta, now you've said that , I see your point. The op does seem to have taken offence rather quickly.

Lost88 · 31/12/2018 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lost88 · 31/12/2018 14:15

ThePastafarian you haven't seen the comment of the lady who has been already removed by that's why my reaction was like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost88 · 31/12/2018 14:19

Olympicsrock of course she's entitled to do whatever she wants in her house. I get that. Just not considerate. Trust me she's not relaxed with her timekeeping- she ruined number of outings and plans.

OP posts: