My MIL drives me crazy - help !!!

[Lost88]

Hello my lovelies, it will be long, I need to get it out- and need some advice from more experienced ladies.

I am 30 and relationship with MIL is ok, married for 2 years

Any type of arrangements/meetings are an absolutely nightmare with her. She's often changing plans last minute or doesn't have any respect or consideration for other people's time. For example:

-She says she will come over in 1h - she's not here for another 2h+, in that time I am waiting like a fucking idiot

• Changing the meetings location and timings to accommodate and include her daughter
• Gatecrashing giving us 1h notice, calls my husband and asking if she can come - never me. What can he say when she calls out of the blue?! Hold on I will ask my wife?! Can you imagine how this would make me look like if I said no? Bad villain.
• Christmas at her and on Christmas Eve - TV full on loud after I went to sleep , when she knows I don't have ability to deal with loud bangs etc. because of my anxiety. Our bedroom was just above where the TV was, then she had a loud conversation with her daughter in he hallway, I haven't slept at all - said nothing as it wasn't our house -hoping that I will be able to put my head down next day :(
• Christmas Day - same story - TV incredibly loud, fighting for sleep, ended up crying to my husband that I can't stay there and will go home on my own and pick him up next day. Of course he said we are going home together, told her we are going , packed everything etc.

I could write one example after another until tomorrow - It's not like this is happening once in a while, it's happening on a regular basis and I am really tired of it. I really stopped believing that this sweet/kind lady is just stupid and not to know what she's doing, although she's playing the best MIL ever.

Today we had an argument because of her - I was going for a massage and she called DH if she can pop in around 1h, not a problem as he's in anyway. I just reminded him that we agreed to go for a coffee after my massage I also said that if they just come in and I will be on my way back it will look stupid when he asks them to leave and knowing his mother it will take her 3h and I am not prepared to wait here for here or go for a coffee with them and he will need to take care of his own visitors. This was final straw to me because all my frustration came out and my tone of voice and attitude was quite shitty so we had a massive row. Guess what ? she didn't even show up for another 2h! I came back and we weren't talking so he told her to pick him up and went out for a coffee - thanks fuck for that as I didn't want to see anyone.

I don't have family in this Country and I do want to have a good relationship but sometimes she is really suffocating. DH has a very good relationship with her and wants to obviously keep both of us happy.

My priority is me and my husband. I want to have a good relationship but I don't have a clue how do I sort this out ? I had few 1-2-1's in the past but the idea of talking to her literally makes me sick. What do I say and how do I say it to not destroy anything?! I can already see her going all lovey-lovely innocent pretending she doesn't know what I am on about etc.

Sometimes I feel she can be really manipulative but of course he won't see it.

Yulebealrite thank you x

LindLa thank you x

Tell your husband that she has a 30 minute window.

If you have plans that involve her for 1pm then she has until 1:30 to be there. Then you leave/lock door/ ignore.

You really need your husband on side for this to really work though.

Good luck

Thank you LindaLa , the reason why I am struggling with this is simply because I don't want to uspet anyone or ruin my relationship with her over something like this. One lady above said I can fight my own battles - it makes it really difficult when it comes to her. I am not a nasty person. It's been going on for a such a long time. I can't cope carry on like this and brushing it under the carpet as I am at the breaking point.

Your husband needs to back you.

He married you not her.

Also, she'd not that concerned about upsetting you is she?
Do it back x

Thank you LindaLa X I need to grow a pair of "balls" lol...

You sound like really hard work. The issue with the noise downstairs is ridiculous, and I say that as someone with a husband with combat PTSD - I know all about issues with loud bangs. You decided to go to bed before everyone else, then wanted them to keep the noise of their family time down? In these situations it's go with the majority, not pander to the minority.

Going home was also ridiculous.

The notion of my DH telling me to set a day to see my family would gain him a swift "no chance mate".

All I read in your post was me, me, me. Did you consider your husband in any of this? It doesn't look like it.

I feel sorry for him - be careful you don't push him away with your drama.

"Tell your husband that she has a 30 minute window.
If you have plans that involve her for 1pm then she has until 1:30 to be there. Then you leave/lock door/ ignore."

Controlling, no?

If my husband tried TELLING me to do anything he'd be in a world of shit - I'm not staff. If he tried dictating when I could see my family he'd be out the door. Nothing to do with anything my family did or didn't do - EVERYTHING to do with not being subordinate.

Discuss, yes. Compromise, hopefully. Tell, never. Obey wasn't in my marriage vows for a reason...

@Coolaschmoola

The mil is being controlling.
Saying she'll be there in an hour then taking 2?

She's making op uncomfortable in her own home.
Set ground rules with your husband.

Follow them!

Coola - not everyone goes to sleep at 1am or 2am like them - I have done a day of hard work for her in Xmas Eve and Day so she could go do the church and not worry about anything else...of course I am a really hard work, selfish and how can I even think about having her even consider the fact that I can't sleep (even though she knows very well that I can't deal with loud bangs). Yes I am very horrible because after not having slept for 36h and lying in bed for 2h I cried out of frustration and decided to actually get some sleep. How selfish of me right ? Poor MIL, what a horrible how I am.

Because I don't mention my husband uch in my posts it doesn't mean I don't consider him,I did say in one of the comments that our marriage is my priority and I don't want to upset anyone. I don't think there's a need for me to explain myself word by word to make sure everyone know that I really consider my husband. Otherwise this wouldn't be an issue and I wouldn't be positing about it.

I think the arriving/not arriving/drop in thing is a red herring. DH's family are a lot like this, and I've just learnt to run with it. If they say they're coming over at 2 and don't turn up until 3, that's fine, but if I have plans at 3:30 I just carry on with those. Ditto, if I invite them for a meal, I tell them what time we're eating and if they aren't there on time, tough, we start eating anyway (that never happens any more although they do have a habit of turning up about 5 minutes before the food time).

Ditto, If they say they want to come over, I say that's fine, but I'm going to be at x or y and DH needs to do this or that. So if they can't manage to work around our schedule, it's not our problem. Importantly, DH backs me on this a lot after a few weeks in a row where they turned up late in the afternoon, 30 minutes before he was heading out to gym and I was left dealing with over tired children who all needed to be fed while entertaining his family.

get ear plugs for when you're at their home or agree with Dh that due to your anxiety and inability t scope with noise that you will never stay more than one night.

Just seen your last post. I do think you are a bit quick to react. Do you do this with your in laws or DH as well? Most of the posts have been relatively gentle and trying to be helpful or clarify things. If you respond this defensively for those, do you do the same with your family?

There's no need to be patronising,I haven't ever said a bad word to my MIL and I have been always polite and respectful towards her. You haven't seen the comments of one lady that have been removed by MN, so that's why I may come across defensive because you only see my answers.

I don't think you're being nasty, I'm just reading frustration.

You do need to have a deep and calm conversation with your husband.

You need to tell him that you are feeling disrespected and upset in your home.

Explain that you feel a lot of this coming from his mother and ask him if he sees it too?

As it's your husbands mother, he needs to be onside with you when tackling family issues.

I wish you the best x

Maybe I just don't care how I come across to people I will never meet face to face?
Bunch of frustrated keyboard warriors that wants to put someone down yawn. Get a grip. Some of you are probably one of those fucked up MIL's themselves.

You have a DH problem - mil can't cause riot in your lives unless someone is enabling her.
Right now you're both enabling her.

I have bad anxiety myself including severe GAD so i sympathise and can understand why you haven't dealt with this properly.
My advice -
In your house it's your rules. So you and dh decide what those are. I.e No visitors after X time, limit the number of 'last minute' visits - tell dh that the "i'll be there in an hour" has to stop. Either she turns up on time and leaves after a decent time or he says 'no' and meets her elsewhere on his own.
Timekeeping - TELL her you have plans for X time (even if it's just having a bath) and make sure you leave her on the dot - even if that means she's only been there for 5 minutes.
Stop waiting around for her, if she doesn't turn up in a reasonable time then carry on with other stuff/leave the house/don't answer your phone.
Or text her after the hour waiting is up and tell her you have to get on with other stuff as her being late again is pushing you for time.
If she hasn't turned up within a reasonable time when meeting up outside anywhere - go do your own thing.
Let her turn up to an empty space/no one a few times, when she contacts asking where you are just tell her straight that you have other things to do and can't keep hanging round waiting on her.

She doesn't have respect for you or your time because you don't insist on it or give her any consequences.
You can't always keep other people happy and sometimes it's good for you to speak up, assert boundaries and follow through with consequences.

Thanks x