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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship problems

62 replies

Kan23 · 30/12/2018 18:41

Hi first time posting on here...
I moved to live with my partner 5 years ago, I was dreading moving 2 hours away from my family, friends & hometown. But felt I had to give it a try. I know 2 hours drive isn't that far but I miss my family so much.
I have spoken to my partner about how that I feel homesick but he has told me he can't moved because of his job. He also said I'm too sensitive & too close to my family & I've not tried hard enough to make this place my home.
I have suffered on/off anxiety & depression since moving, I try to see my family when I can but I work long hours which makes it harder.
I not sure if I love anymore, he nitpicks everything I do, he tells me I'm not allowed to smoke, I walk to slow, he comments on my accent & corrects me if I say something wrong. More recently it about the way I sit on the sofa, I'm not allowed to slouch or lay down, I have to sit up straight. He also complains about the dinner I cook, that it's not healthy enough, then he will sit & eat 3 packets of crisps later on. He asks me why I'm chewing gum & what I'm doing on my phone.
We haven't been intimate in months, I don't fancy him anymore...
Is he trying to control me???

OP posts:
Original poster
Kan23 · 03/01/2019 09:46

Thank you for all your replies. I'm sorting out my transfer for work. He had a go at me last night for talking with my mouth full.Confused Then later on we were sat watching tv & he looked at me & asked do I want a smack! Why would someone even feel the need to say something like that? It's like it just rolls off his tongue without thinking. Hmm

OP posts:
gingerrubber · 03/01/2019 09:50

leave he's horrific.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2019 10:19

You need to try to keep out of his way in the short term until you get your transfer sorted out.
That's horrific!
Don't sit near him.
Don't be near him at all unless you have to.
Time to protect yourself.
This is escalating and you need to keep yourself safe!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/01/2019 10:30

@Kan23 do not tell him your plans. It sounds as if his abuse is escalating and I'm worried for you.

Could you explain the situation to work, take some time off then just get the hell out of there and go back to your family as soon as possible?

category12 · 03/01/2019 10:33

He's escalating, OP. Take his threats seriously.

Be prepared to leave at short notice. Get your passport and any critical paperwork together and post it signed for delivery to a trusted family member, or keep it on you.

7yo7yo · 03/01/2019 10:40

Call your family, get out. I know I’m late to the party but fuck me the next step to asking you if you want a smack is just giving you a smack!

eggncress · 03/01/2019 10:50

Hope you’re ok OP.

Don’t tell him your plans, it could lead to him getting violent.

Can you phone a family member to come help you move your stuff and the pets and get out today?

eggncress · 03/01/2019 10:53

Phone the police if you feel in danger. They will take you seriously and they now get special training on domestic violence ( he doesn’t have to hit you for you to be a victim of domestic violence)

Original poster
Kan23 · 03/01/2019 10:57

He's never laid a finger on me, but I didn't quite get why you would even say something like that! He said to me afterwards I was just joking! But why would you say it???

OP posts:
category12 · 03/01/2019 11:02

Because giving you a smack is on his mind.

category12 · 03/01/2019 11:06

Don't wait around to see if he'll change thought into action.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/01/2019 11:26

But why would you say it???

Because he's thinking it.

Please get out ASAP.

eggncress · 03/01/2019 11:58

He’s making it sound like a joke but it’s what he feels like doing.

So he’s not joking. Just get out ASAP.

maras2 · 03/01/2019 11:59

And take no notice when he starts with the ..................
'I'm sorry, I love you, I'll get help ..................................'
'Fucking bitch It's your fault I do these things, you made me ...............'
'I can't live without you. If you go I'll kill myself then you'll be sorry ................' Blah blah blah. Hmm
Also known as the script.
Best of luck Flowers

eggncress · 03/01/2019 12:14

He hasn’t laid a finger on you yet because he’s managed to keep you in line by telling you off/ belittling you/ eroding your confidence and isolating you from family and you’ve done as you’re told.

You’ve come on MN and got wise to him so he senses a change in you now. He’s feels he’s beginning to lose control over you.

That’s when the violence starts. It’s not been necessary so far.

Can you keep out of his way as much as possible until you get out?

Original poster
Kan23 · 23/02/2019 12:58

My transfer with work is making progress. I've been staying with my parents more, I stayed a extra night this week & he said I had to come back because it's not good for me being there & if I don't come back he will come & get me (he didn't) I think he thought I would come back. I spoke to him again when I came back about him controlling me he said he's not controlling & if I think that we should split up now. He then went on to say he's worried about me & i'm too sensitive.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 23/02/2019 14:57

Be very careful. He's escalating and trying to scare you. If that doesn't work, he could get worse. Plan quickly and quietly and leave as safely as you can. Make sure you take the animals as well.

Good luck.

Original poster
Kan23 · 23/02/2019 15:20

I said to him about the nit picking that he's still doing & he says it's how normal couples talk to one another every day. He's making me doubt myself that maybe I am too sensitive.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 23/02/2019 15:24

he says it's how normal couples talk to one another every day

First, it's not. But second, he know sit upsets you. Even if everyone else does something, if I found it upsetting, DH wouldn't do it. Everyone watches Game of Thrones, so does DH, but not in front of me because I find it upsetting. And he actually cares about me.

Please don't fall for his gaslighting.

nakedscientist · 23/02/2019 15:43

He sounds dreadful and not normal at all. There is no such thing as too sensitive, if that's how you feel then that's how you feel.

Leave, you don't need to justify it to him, just get out before he does "smack" you

another20 · 23/02/2019 15:56

Does he know about the transfer?

Have you told family and friends about his behaviour?

Have you told them you are planning to leave him?

He is very controlling and currently emotionally abusive. This will escalate and v likely turn physical - the slap comment was to test your boundaries - other woman would have walked at that comment - you have stayed.

Don’t talk to him about abuse / control this will wind him up - you don’t need him to understand anything.

Please just move out quietly and quickly.

Can you do this? Can you find an air BnB and can you take a day off work when he isn’t around and arrange for friend/family to move your stuff and pets?

another20 · 23/02/2019 15:59

You have done well to date detaching - with the transfer and staying with family. But he is controlling, gas lightning and emotionally manipulating you with the too sensitive and nit pick comments.

Are you doubting your decision to leave?

Original poster
Kan23 · 23/02/2019 16:26

He doesn't know anything, my family & friends know all about it. I think part of me after 16 years feels bad.

OP posts:
another20 · 23/02/2019 16:36

FOG - feelings of “fear, obligation and guilt” are trapping you. These are not healthy or honest reasons to make decisions or live your life by.

Well done reaching out to your family and friends and not letting him know your plans.

Is there someone amongst the family/friends who can support you through this?

Original poster
Kan23 · 23/02/2019 17:39

Yes I'm lucky to have lots of support, I just feel so down & anxious at the moment. x

OP posts:
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