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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says it's over. I'm devastated

27 replies

makingdoo · 29/12/2018 21:32

I never thought I'd be in this position and I just don't know what to do.
I've been with DH for 20 years, married for 10. We are both 39. No kids due to infertility. We tried IVF 5 years ago and it failed. I don't think we ever dealt with it.
Our sex life has virtually been non existent since then and truthfully a little sporadic beforehand.

Today DH told me he doesn't see a future. He's depressed because of our relationship. He doesn't find me attractive any more. He's done and there's no way back. Doesn't want counseling.

I knew our relationship wasn't great. I've thrown myself into my work over the last few years and I know I've neglected our relationship and taken him for granted.
But I wasn't ready for this. I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/12/2018 21:36

Sadly you need to accept his decision and grieve the end of your marriage.

You say it's not been good and 39 is too young to live a miserable life for both of you.

Counselling may help come to terms with the end.

Littlelambpeep · 29/12/2018 21:37

Oh god.. That's so sad. You can't force things though. Try and be good to yourself and take time to heal. You are still young and you will make your own life - whatever that it is. Have you someone in real life you can go to tonight to talk

Original poster
makingdoo · 29/12/2018 21:39

Thank you.

I wasn't miserable. I still love him. We met when we where 15 and I just can't imagine life without him.
We've a dog we both adore. I don't want to leave her.
I know I sound pathetic but I just can't accept that it's actually over.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 29/12/2018 21:54

You don't sound pathetic, 20 years is a long time and you will go through a grieving process for the relationship.

Original poster
makingdoo · 29/12/2018 21:56

Thanks for your replies

I just can't believe it's happening. I just can't see how it's all going to work out.
I don't want to leave my beautiful home and my beloved pet behind.

I don't want to start over. I don't want to be a failure. I think we can try harder.
We've not been to counseling yet. That should be worth a go at least

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 29/12/2018 21:59

Will he not try counselling?

MisstoMrs · 29/12/2018 22:02

You’re not a failure. At all. You’ve had such a tough road to walk. As a couple and individually. Whatever happens, you are enough. Flowers

Original poster
makingdoo · 29/12/2018 22:05

He says he doesn't see the point in counseling. He hasn't the energy left for it Sad

I don't feel like enough. I'm so angry with myself for not dealing with issues sooner. Just buried my head in the sand

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 29/12/2018 22:08

Well it takes 2, don't blame yourself op. :(

TotesEmoshTerri · 29/12/2018 22:11

Hmm maybe he just needs a break. He could well regret this in a few months. Perhaps you could float the idea of a separation for a defined time so he can get a sense of if it's the right idea and if either of you change your minds, you both agree to whatever the situation is at that time

tootruetoyou · 29/12/2018 22:26

Infertility is such a sad thing to deal with. It ruined our sex life and our relationship. Have the pair of you properly grieved the loss of the future you thought you had together?

Honeyroar · 29/12/2018 22:29

Why do you have to leave the house and dog? It should be him if he’s ripping the rug from underneath your feet. Look into dog walkers if need be?

BackInTheRoom · 29/12/2018 22:30

OP, you're in shock. Can anyone come over to your house and sit with you tonight?

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 22:32

Maybe some counseling to deal with the changes in your life at the moment.
Also don’t leave your house.

Original poster
makingdoo · 29/12/2018 22:38

We've never dealt with the infertility issue properly. We just brushed it under the carpet and got on with things.

I feel like I'll have to leave because the house we built is in his name on a site that his Dad owned. We live beside his family. They won't let me stay and him leave.

The dog is old, she won't cope with being moved. It would be unkind.

I'm hoping that if he took some time to get his head straight then he'd see that we could work things out. I suggested a trial separation but he isn't keen.

But he's still here. I'm still here. He has no idea what will happen. He has no plan.

OP posts:
Sparky888 · 29/12/2018 22:45

Has he said why he has no energy to try? Does he feel unloved? If so can you say or do anything immediately that would help him with that? ...... is there anything you think he is longing to hear? (to hopefully bridge the gap into psychology appointments)

Original poster
makingdoo · 29/12/2018 22:48

I think he feels like we've tried to make it work but haven't.
He feels taken for granted and neglected. I hear him and I've tried to apologize and say I'll work to change. I told him I'll do anything to give it a try but he seems certain that it's too broken to fix

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 29/12/2018 22:56

Things will get better OP. No storm lasts forever. You have suggested counselling and he has declined , if he felt this bad maybe he could have spoken up sooner so there was a chance to work on things but he didn’t so don’t blame yourself.

It’s a beautiful world full of beautiful people , you are only 39 and have the rest of your life to live, the world is your oyster . Take time out to be kind to yourself.
I find that lots of duvet days helped me , with lots of Netflix series (not romcoms) helped a lot. Getting back into the gym , writing lists of positive things to do that day. You will recover lovely FlowersBrewxx

Original poster
makingdoo · 29/12/2018 23:00

Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I can't imagine what my life is going to be now.

OP posts:
TotesEmoshTerri · 29/12/2018 23:02

If ultimately it's over and you are the one who has to leave, you need to put your foot down and say that it's going to take time to sort out and you will indeed be living together as roommates for a while since this sort of split is not easy logistically and you are not going to be hugely disadvantaged by it.

Loka123 · 29/12/2018 23:07

Sorry you're going through this - sounds very similar to the situation of Ant McPartlin and his (now-ex) wife, based on the details you have provided.

Do you think there may be another woman involved, which could be why he's reluctant to try and work things out?

Who's of the two of you is having fertility issues, you or him or both or is it undetermined? Do you think his unfulfilled desire for children is pulling him away at all or not really?

Do you really think he's depressed or is he using that as a sympathy get-out card? If so, could there be issues at work, etc which are contributing to his depression? Could antidepressants or therapy (not for the marriage but for himself) help him reconsider?

Apileofballyhoo · 29/12/2018 23:10

Is this totally out of the blue, OP? Was he acting normally over Christmas?

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 29/12/2018 23:17

You will get out of this stronger trust me. Fuck him , if he doesn’t want to work on things. I repeated that a lot in my head when first going through my break up “fuck him!!” It literally became a mantra.

Do you have any family you can stay with? I suggest the sooner you move out the quicker you will start to mend . Sending you hugs xxx

RitaTheBeater · 29/12/2018 23:24

I wouldn't move out quickly. If at all. I agree with what Totes says. You need to get all the practicalities dealt with. Don't just go because he's said some words.

crappyday2018 · 29/12/2018 23:32

I know you don't want to deal with (or even think about) the practicalities right now but... even if the house is in his name, you will be entitled to something because you are married. Don't assume that because its in his name that you have to walk away and start again with nothing.
Once you get your head around this, please go and see a solicitor to find out what your rights are.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and you must be in total shock. Take 1 day at a time.

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