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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need a handhold

33 replies

SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:01

Dh has just informed me that he's an opiate addict and he wants to quit. I'm horrified, I don't even know where to start. We've been together 15 years, and asides from being a smoker when I met him ( he struggled give up but managed eventually) I've not had any reason to suspect. I did wonder awhile ago if something was up, he was having moodswings but any attempt by me to find out what was going on was shut down by him insisting he was fine and I was making a big deal out of nothing. He seems to think if I'm upset then it's my fault for not realising when he was lying. He just shrugged and said addicts lie, like it absolved him of any responsibility. I feel so bewhildered, I don't even know where to start.

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SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:08

Am I overreacting? He's getting cross with me for being upset about it. Apparently if it really was a big deal, I'd have noticed months ago.

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RandomMess · 29/12/2018 20:12

Wow that's a huge thing to conceal, the family money wasted, the lies AngryAngryAngry

SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:18

It's prescription opiates he's been taking, which is supposedly normal these days?! I don't know how he's been getting them but I suspect his supply is about to dry up, thats why he's confessing, he won't be able to hide the withdrawal.

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deepwatersolo · 29/12/2018 20:19

Idk. Acknowledging he is an addict is a big step, no? Others will deny even when caught. And he is determined to give it up.
I would try to remain calm and talk with him, how he got addicted (pain medication? Trying out drugs?), how he plans to quit and if he has contacted any support group. You might also want to look into a support group for family members of addicts.
If this addiction is really only months old, I think your partner is very fast to address it, no? (I have no first hand experience with substance abuse, just two acquaintances going down that path for about a decade or more before coming clean, so others may have wiser words).

RandomMess · 29/12/2018 20:22

Where is he getting them from he'll still be paying £££ if he's buying them off someone?

deepwatersolo · 29/12/2018 20:24

But was he sucked in by some valid prescription (like codein syrup against coughing, or pain medication) or did he take it for kicks without prescription from the start?
I have once seen a report (a decade ago or so) of people becoming addicted from what started off as simple medication. Some were not even aware they were taking opiates. They just thought, ah a coughing syrup - that must be harmless...

SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:26

18 months, its been going on for 18 months. He says he needs me to help him quit, he can't do it on his own. I feel for him, I do, but at the same time he's lied to my face and made me believe I was in the wrong for suspecting something was up. He's even taken them while driving with our children in the car, but he claims it doesn't affect his driving, just elevates his mood. I looked up the side effects of this, it says Do Not Drive! I'm to ashamed to talk to anyone about this, all I've got is him making out that this is my problem and I'm somehow to blame for it and its up to me to help him fix it.

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SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:27

He's never had a prescription. Works and mixes in circles where access to prescription drugs is readily available, I doubt we've lost much money over it. But then, given how easily he's lied to me, I don't know what to believe

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deepwatersolo · 29/12/2018 20:33

No, you can‘t drive on opiates, clearly. I bet even the coughing syrup says as much.
I think you need to contact a group where family of addicts get support, and you should encourage him to find a group/therapist who supports him through this.
This is not for you to fix and you can‘t take the responsibility. It is his, and you need to drive that home, imo. Get yourself support from people who know how to deal with this!

disneyspendingmoney · 29/12/2018 20:38

I'd recommend getting goes to narcotics anonymous, also he should be speaking to his GP and should reach out to AddAction or some other rehab recovery organisation.

He needs help with breaking the adduction plus he has to be committed to quitting, recovery and staying sober.

Tell him the options and that you will only support him if he shows that he is committed to recovery.
.
Be prepared to be let down, addiction gas a real good in people and they go to great lengths to cover it up.

Good luck and find a support group for yourself such as Al-Anon, it a family and caters group. You will need support too

SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:39

I'm too ashamed to join a support group. I'm not sure if there even is one in our town and if there were, everyone would find out if I did go! Am I being horrible? I hate addicts, I've always struggled to understand how someone could be so selfish as to do that, not only to themselves, but to those around them. I can't believe he thinks its ok to normalize and justify this behaviour.

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Sausagesaurus · 29/12/2018 20:41

I have a similar experience to this very recently. My DH has told me that he is a gambling addict, has been since he was a teenager and therefore all the while I have been with him.

I was proud of him for opening up to me and admitting it, not to me, but to himself, as a PP that is a massive step and one you should applaud him for.

I can’t even tell you how much debt he’s got himself into but for me it isn’t about the money, it was about the lies and the deceit. I didn’t yell or scream, we didn’t argue, I just sat and listened to him. He too said he wanted me to support him in trying to stop but it soon became clear that he needed more so now he attends GA and it has massively helped. He has opened up like he never has before, he is also suffering mentally because he used gambling as a distraction but now he has to face his demons head on.

He too had mood swings, often telling me there was nothing wrong and me walking on eggshells not wanting to upset him but things have been so much better since he admitted it.

My advice to you would be to look after yourself, be there for your DP when he needs you, but you need to be your priority. Don’t be hard on him, at least for the time being while he is trying to do the right thing. It would have been hard for him to admit this to you, and he will be beating himself up enough without you doing it for him, that doesn’t mean you have to pander to him but do try and understand his position and voice your concerns without it turning into an argument - I don’t find arguments productive.

He needs to explore why he has become dependent on them, that’s the only way he will beat the addiction.

SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:42

I think I would have preferred it if the moodswings and lying were down to an affair, I would know what to do then!

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SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:47

I'm trying to be understanding, and save my venting for this thread. He says he doesn't need a support group, he just needs me to support him through the withdrawal. He has clinical depression, has always had it to a certain degree, and takes medication for it. He's gone through loads of counsellors, psychologists and therapists, he says nothing works and he just needs me. I love him and I want to help him, I do. I just don't think I can "fix" it for him

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TheFaerieQueene · 29/12/2018 20:48

That’s the thing. He has made this your failure which it isn’t. Tbh this is a bloody hellish path ahead and it takes a remarkable person to tread it. The fact he is starting to find fault with you suggests to me that you will be treated badly if you chose to walk it with him.

SpottsAndDotts · 29/12/2018 20:53

Thank you FaerieQueene. If he told me he had cancer and needed his support, without question yes. But to tell me he's been lying to me, making me think I'M crazy, endangering our children by driving under the influence, and I'm expected to cover for him, nurse him through it, protect the children from it (daddy's just got the flu?!) and above all feel honoured that he's chosen to be honest with me???? My heads spinning

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Sausagesaurus · 29/12/2018 21:24

Yep, that’s what my DH said at first, that he didn’t anyone else’s help and other support, he just needed me to support him, guess what, he relapsed - twice! It has only been since he started going to GA that he has control of it. My DH was very conscious, very embarrassed and scared to go to his first meet - he has never done anything like it before, but my word, it has changed his life - literally. He has now told all of his friends and family about his struggles and has nowhere to hide. By you being your DHs only support,it makes it easy for him not to be accountable. As much as he doesn’t want to attend a support group, I would highly recommend you strongly suggest it.

SpottsAndDotts · 30/12/2018 08:08

I'm swinging between mad and sympathy now. It has not helped that AF has not shown up, so now I've got extra to worry about. I know stress can mess it up but surely its months of prolonged stress, not just shock?

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disneyspendingmoney · 30/12/2018 08:35

Your DH has a problem which HE has to deal with and manage. Now that it's out in the "open" it'll start to get worse. You'll encounter denial "it's getting better, I've got it under control", anger and tantrums when he's hung over or in withdrawal. Lying " I haven't taken anything" when you can see he's loaded.

Then you'll find that you'll start to enable and minimise.

These are all common patterns of behaviour for someone who is in addiction crisis.

It's hard to face and deal with as a supportive partner.

For me it took five years, to get to the absolute breaking point, the soul-destroying part was the effect it had on the dcs.

He has a choice to take the stuff, no matter what he thinks he needs to take it for, he has that absolute self-control choice to put it in his mouth and swallow. That's what he needs help understanding and controlling

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 30/12/2018 08:47

Don't let him put all this on you. It is not up to you to fix this, it is his problem, and he is the only one who can get it sorted. Quite frankly I think his attitude stinks, and in your shoes I would be asking him to move out, and come back once he's managed to get off the drugs.

itswonkylampshade · 30/12/2018 08:47

Been there, and I’m sorry - my advice is to walk away now. Save yourself the months, possibly years, of turmoil ahead.

ONLY he can kick this. You have to be very, very careful about this “support” role he’s already trying to assign to you, because in essence you’ll become his carer and end up providing him with a front where others are concerned. It’s unbelievably stressful trying to scrabble around patching things over for the kids, friends and relatives (not to mention work colleagues) - and ultimately what you’ll end up doing is participating in his deceit and enabling him further.

I will try dig out some of my old threads for you. My heart goes out to you...I know intimately the feelings you’re experiencing right now, and the sense of responsibility you will be feeling to keep things together. Hold on to your anger though, and remember you are NOT responsible for him, and what he’s doing.

itswonkylampshade · 30/12/2018 08:54

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/521071-my-dp-has-told-me-he-hates-me-for-getting?pg=10&order=

Makes me bloody shudder to read it. Finally got away from the manipulative bastard when DD was one. He didn’t make it easy though.

SpottsAndDotts · 30/12/2018 09:02

I've told him to go and stay with a friend fir a week. He's not to take anything while he's away, and I'm turning the house upside down and disposing of everything I find. He's booked appt with the gp and is supposedly looking for a counsellor but it's most likely me that will have to sort it. I can't just throw him out or leave as I'm a SAHM and we have 3 Dc. I need to sort things out, get some part time work, see what his commitment to sorting this out is. If in 6 months he's still lying and using, I should hopefully be in a better position to leave

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itswonkylampshade · 30/12/2018 09:13

I’d honestly advise against sorting his counselling out for him...otherwise you’re already stepping into the mothering role and taking responsibility for him. While you are doing that he simply won’t stop because he doesn’t have any real reason to.

Happy to DM or chat offline any time OP... I can recall all the stages of this with horrible clarity and it’s not easy. Do you know how much he is taking and in what form?

SpottsAndDotts · 30/12/2018 09:38

Prescription pills, daily. I asked what kind and he said benzos. Diazepam, tramadol, codeine, whatever he can get his hands on. Apparently it only lifts his mood, theres no other side effects. Looking back though, I can see that there are, he's been mood swinging, tired for no reason and short tempered with the children. I'm just so sad that he's lied to me. And I'm absolutely devastated by his casual attitude to it. Even admitted he would never have told me, only that his supply was drying up and he needed me to help him through the withdrawal. He can't even see why that would upset me. And on top of it all I'm now fretting about my period being late.

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