Unrequited Love. Is it EVER OK to tell them how you feel?

[ttheycantalk]

Are there really some men who fail to pick up on the signals that you like them, I mean really like them? Even though you're more or less spelling it out that you fancy them? i have left many signals, some subtle and some not so subtle and I keep getting mixed signals back.
Should I force the issue and come straight out and say how I feel? Even if I end up hearing what I don't want to hear?
I can't avoid him. We work together.
I'm already in a unhappy relationship, could that be putting him off?
I want some honest opinions, even if they're harsh.
At first it was fun, now its driving me nuts and I want to know, one way or another.

Never shit where you eat is what i would say

Tbh if a guy said he was keen on me whilst he had a girlf I would avoid him like the plague , I would instantly think he had a faulty moral compass which one day I would no doubt be on the receiving end of if he suddenly decided he fancied someone else more.

Do the RIGHT thing and finish with your current partner before pursuing others , Jesus wept!

You work with him. Would it be uncomfortable for you if he said no?

If it would be, do not say anything.

Also you say in your thread title “unrequited LOVE” bit of a stretch isn’t it ? Given you only know the guy in a work capacity so you’re either a) a troll or b) a bit unstable ....I’m inclined to go with a

'lifes to short to piss about' charming, what about your partner? Glad that you leave them first but not very nice.

Yeah I thought troll, or 15.

Oh here we go again! You must move on, OP.

It is normal to get crushes on other people while still in a relationship. It happens all the time. Despite what others say, I doubt he gives a stuff about whether you are in a relationship - which, as you say, is foundering, hence your interest in him - and no doubt he has worked out that your relationship is a bit rocky. Which happens all the time.

The bottom line is, he is either attracted to you, or he isn't.

IMO men tend to be more attracted to women who are unavailable. Once available, they become less interested. I presume this is why affairs are so common.

I cannot say whether he is attracted or not, but I suspect that if you leave your current relationship it is likely to make him less attracted to you rather than more attracted. If he's not really attracted in the first place then he won't really care either way.

Probably not helpful but I don't agree that he will be freaked out by your being in a relationship. Your'e not married - relationships come and go, that's their nature.

To answer your question: I know how difficult it is, but try to chill a bit. If he is single he doesn't have the same dilemma as you and is probably quite happy to let things ride for a bit. Don't force any issue at all. Take a step back, he will come to you if and when he wants to. Your current relationship will run its natural course irrespective of him.

You might find that if you sort out your relationship (i.e. end it) you won't be quite as obsessed with him because you won't need the concept of having him to let you escape. Get out of the relationship you are in for you. And then reassess. Otherwise you will never know. At the moment you are being pretty unfair on your boyfriend- why are you staying if you don't like him?!

You could tell him in conversation that you're taking a couple of days off to move out of your x boyfriend's place. When you come back he'll have missed you, if he likes you at all.

Tell him if you like, but maybe he's well aware of your feelings and just doesn't fancy you, or he respects that you're already in a relationship. He may well lose respect for you if he knows you're looking for something on-the-side with him.

I’m with 70sbaubles.

He doesn’t fancy you. If he did, you would know about it. Your being in a relationship already is irrelevant: people regularly jump from one relationship to the next, having sown the seeds, so to speak, whilst still coupled up.

Seriously, you need to cop on to yourself. I’m sorry this isn’t what you want to hear. You want us to tell you that he’s desperately in love with you and is holding back through a sense of honour because you already have a boyfriend.

He isn’t. He doesn’t fancy you. You say that you have left many signals, many of which even you admit were unsubtle. All of your signals will have been less subtle than you think. He is ignoring those signals (“mixed messages”, as you describe them) because he is embarrassed and is too polite to say, “I don’t fancy you, leave me alone”.

. You need to end your current relationship. Don't involve your colleague in this at all.

Then take time.

If you want to know, one way or another, as you put it, then do it.

However, be clear of the consequences. You may lose a friend. You may make things awkward at work. You will have to deal with the fallout in your current relationship, whichever way this goes. If you spill the beans, you risk your partner finding out anyway. Be clear what talking to the person you desire may cost you.

Only you can decide whether the cost is worth simply knowing the answer.

Take it you want to know if this guy likes you first before you decide to end your shitty relationship

Just end your relationship if you don't want to be in it

Sorry to be blunt, but speaking as a man, you're setting off all the alarm bells.

You're in a relationship that you say is unhappy, but you don't leave it. Or at least, not until strangers on the internet tell you to, and then you go for it.

That tells me you don't know your own mind, you don't have appropriate boundaries, and you lack self respect.

You're actively seeking out someone new while in a relationship. That tells me you have the moral compass of an alley cat.

You talk about unrequited love, while simultaneously saying you don't want to respect him (ie it's just sex). Your posts lack self awareness or emotional maturity. That tells me you may be quite emotionally unstable, and may struggle to maintain an adult relationship that isn't built on drama.

If he is in any way a decent man, those are the things that are putting him off. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you'll struggle to find a decent, mature fellow who would be interested while that is the path that you are following.

My suggestion would be that you have some work to do on yourself. And that you may be better off doing that without the distraction of a relationship with the crush, the existing boyfriend, or anybody else.

Ime men need it spelled out if you fancy them. I thought I had been really obvious but when I did tell someone I fancied them they had genuinely had no idea, or had picked up on a signal but thought they had misinterpreted it.

I think you’re going to need to tell him. OLD & Tinder have been a real game changer for men in recent times. The days of them having to do all the chasing are long gone.
Go for it, don’t have any regrets on what you didn’t do or try

I've been where you are. Totally 100% infatuated to the point of near insanity. Obsessed with the guy. He was the symptom of me being dissatisfied with my life. So I told him I had feelings for him. He has feelings for me too but he said he has never gone for someone that wasn't single as it's not morally right. Told each other we love each other.

4 months later we got carried away texting and it turned into two full blown days of sextibg and almost planning a physical affair.

I genuinely hate myself now. It went sour after he said he couldn't go through with it, a week later at s work do I got pissed and accidentally spilled my guts to people only for it to spread round the whole office. I've now lost a friend (as we were friends before all this), shamed myself, I was suicidal for a point and anxiety ate me alive at work, I still feel so hurt when I see him. Was it worth it? No. We don't even talk anymore.