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Original poster

Unrequited Love. Is it EVER OK to tell them how you feel?

70 replies

ttheycantalk · 29/12/2018 19:36

Are there really some men who fail to pick up on the signals that you like them, I mean really like them? Even though you're more or less spelling it out that you fancy them? i have left many signals, some subtle and some not so subtle and I keep getting mixed signals back.
Should I force the issue and come straight out and say how I feel? Even if I end up hearing what I don't want to hear?
I can't avoid him. We work together.
I'm already in a unhappy relationship, could that be putting him off?
I want some honest opinions, even if they're harsh.
At first it was fun, now its driving me nuts and I want to know, one way or another.

OP posts:
FrogsLegs33 · 29/12/2018 20:58

100% agree with @afistfulofdolores1

I’ve been you and the infatuation(s) were just my mind distracting me from my shitty home situation. Leave your partner and you may be surprised at how the “feelings” go away.

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 21:01

Men don't need signals
Well no, you dont tend to need to sit them down and say look i fancy you
They arent thick

Deminism · 29/12/2018 21:02

Are you wanting a relationship with him or a torrid fling?

Original poster
ttheycantalk · 29/12/2018 21:03

I can't see past the fact I Want Him.
Not nice I know, but I'm being honest.

I can see how affairs happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttheycantalk · 29/12/2018 21:06

I'm not expecting people to agree with me.
I wanted to know if it's ever right to tell the person how you feel about them.

If not, are there any ways to get over it quickly, assuming you can't avoid the person.

OP posts:
ladamanera · 29/12/2018 21:06

Leave your relationship. There’s no drama. Crushes help shine a light on action for you (not the object, you). Do the hard bit first them crush away. Do you hVe kids or a mortgage together? If not believe me you are scot free to leave (unlike many on thia board) and he deserves the chance to be happier. He being your dp.

maximumcarnage · 29/12/2018 21:10

So incredibly selfish. I am at times mystified how men and women can do this to each other. They just think me, me, me. I've got no problem with someone fancying someone else. No problem wondering what it might be like to go off with someone else. But when you already have someone, why do it to them? Why do it to yourself? An affair is never justified. Have a little self respect and sort your own problems out. If you can't then leave. Then you can do and say what you like to this other guy.

NikiFree · 29/12/2018 21:13

I've done it once.

He suspected any way I liked him. He was kind said he was touched by it and thanked me for saying such kind things. He had thought about me that way he revealed but then decided only to offer friendship as he didn't feel enough of a spark to take it further.

It was years ago and I still wish I had never said anything.

NikiFree · 29/12/2018 21:14

Both of us were single I hasten to add. I wasn't hankering after a man who was taken and I was single too.

Orange6904 · 29/12/2018 21:15

Well just don't chat to him.

Imagine him doing a poo and grunting and staring at the toilet paper.

Imagine him being sick and all the bits of food in his mouth.

Imagine that his feet stink, he farts all the time.

Don't chat to him about your relationship or go on work nights out with him.

Crushes are normal. Just pick a famous person instead and fantasize about them. This guy is just a normal person like any other not anything mythical. Just use distraction and the things above.

Scott72 · 29/12/2018 21:17

^Men don't need signals?
Really?^

Men need signals.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2018 21:21

If he’s a decent man i imagine he’s embarrassed by whatever “signals” you’re giving him when he knows you’re in a relationship!

You might not need to respect him but I doubt he respects you OP. You’re throwing yourself at him and he’s politely looking in your other direction. Even if he did like you he’s clearly not going to anything about it and that speaks more highly of him than any of this does of you.

If you’re with someone and wanting to drop your pants for someone else then ffs end your relationship and then you can chase after whomever you want.

tootruetoyou · 29/12/2018 21:27

Afraid that l am a lifelong blurter! I end up emotionally vomiting my emotions and nearly always regret it. As the others are saying, this probably has more to do with other stuff in your life and as a distraction/fantasy you are channelling everything into this guy. I once exposed my feelings to a guy because like you l thought l would explode but it didn't solve anything because he wasn't really the issue.

ladamanera · 29/12/2018 21:36

Sorry- not sorry- that’s not the easy way out you want to hear. If I were him I’d think- “that pretty girl is making eyes at me. Yay. But. what a sleazeball (even an attractive one) - she comes on to me when there’s a man in her life. I could be that man. Shudder. Oh well.”

ladamanera · 29/12/2018 21:39

And then i’d think “i’m single at Christmas! I wish she was a nice girl. Why do only the sleazeballs in relationships come on to me”
Not a sleazeball? Don’t be so sexist. Yes you are. Dump the man you dont like. Then go for it.

Wherearemymarbles · 29/12/2018 21:41

Maybe he thinks once a potential cheat, always a potential cheat.

Basically you are using him as an excuse to leave your crappy relationship. Are you scared of being single?

Dup8 · 29/12/2018 21:51

Scott72 what's a clear signal? I am a rubbish flirter!
I agree with the majority on here_you need to end the bad relationship you're in and spare some hurt feelings. This crush is a distraction from reality .

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 29/12/2018 21:58

Yes, I would tell him of your 'unrequited love'[oh the dramaHmm] after you have ended your current relationship, y'know, like a decent person.
He probably knows you fancy him but, as pp said, if you are willing to shit over your current relationship for a fling he probably doesn't think very highly of you?

roastpotatoesrule · 29/12/2018 22:08

Your poor current partner. Do him a favour and leave him. Then after that you can explore other options. To do otherwise is selfish and cowardly.

Bellendejour · 29/12/2018 22:26

What’s wrong with your current relationship? I think you would get more sympathetic responses if you seemed to care at all about your partner.

He may be interested, he may not. He may be up for drama, he may not. He might be up for a fling but nothing more. Are you trying to set this up this way because you’re scared of being alone/giving something up and not ending up with anyone else?

If you tell him and he isn’t interested how will you feel? And what if it gets out at work?

Quite a lot to consider.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/12/2018 22:28

This shit is embarrassing....

I can't get my head around why people don't face their relationship problems instead of burying their heads in these ridiculous fantasy worlds.

Side note.....He knows full well you like but is completely turned off by the fact that you're in a relationship and have the mental reasoning skills and emotional Intelligence of a 15 year old girl.

Absolutely Batshit.

Orange6904 · 29/12/2018 22:46

You do sound quite young op, it's not fair to drop people like a teenager because you fancy someone else. Leave your partner first before doing anything at least. Also be aware it might get awkward at work if it all backfires.

Original poster
ttheycantalk · 29/12/2018 22:47

Side note.....He knows full well you like but is completely turned off by the fact that you're in a relationship

Youre right, my current relationship has been limping along for a while and it's time to face up to it. I don't think it's fixable and I'm not even sure whether I want to fix it. I'm going to seriously think about whether to call it a day.
If I still have feelings for OM then I will tell him.

Life's too short to piss about.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttheycantalk · 29/12/2018 22:49

You do sound quite young op,

Im afraid I can't hide behind that excuse!
I am taking on board the suggestions to end my current relationship first, before sending a clear message that I want a relationship with OM.

OP posts:
Mixedbags · 29/12/2018 23:09

This seems to be an infatiation. If he is giving you mixed signals it tells you something. If you really do not love your current partner end the relationship.