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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex creeping round with a balaclava on

54 replies

Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 18:38

My ex has been harassing me, it's been going on for a year and a half maybe and the police are involved. He is due in court next month AGAIN, I have a non molestation order which states he can't come within 100m of my home. His bail conditions say he can't come within 50m I think.

I went out with an old friend over Christmas and we have become a couple. Ex has seen photos on someone's Facebook, (not mine, I have a profile under a fake name that is locked down.) And today he was hanging around mine with someone else both wearing balaclavas.

One of the neighbours took a photo and I have rung the police but they said they can't identify him from the photo.

I know 100% it is him. I recognise his clothes, I can tell from his body language/shape. But the police have said there is nothing they can do.

I just need a hand hold tonight, feeling a bit upset and alone with the kids. I will have to end my new relationship before it has even had chance to start. Can't risk the ex turning up and seeing him here. Just feel like I will never be able to move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 19:15

Thanks, do I just email them and say that I don't feel it was taken seriously?

OP posts:
AnotherExWife · 29/12/2018 19:15

Contact women's aid for support, they really are amazing. The police really should be doing more but from my experience they're not interested until someone is hurt. Do you have CCTV? Even dummy cameras can act as a deterrent. I ended up moving in the end and although I really didn't want to loose my home it has definitely been for the best, I'm no longer constantly looking over my shoulder and jumping at every little noise, I finally feel safe.

KateGrey · 29/12/2018 19:16

Are the kids his? If I could I’d move. Even local ish just so he can’t find you. I’d also look at upgrading my home security. Recording devices and lights. How upsetting. Sorry you’re going through this. I also second contacting domestic violence unit rather than just standard police.

Original poster
Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 19:23

If I move he can still turn up at work. I have been in my job 14 years and have recently had a promotion, I don't want to leave.

I am going to have to consider it though. It's so expensive I don't know if I can afford to move!

Will try women's aid again tomorrow, just explain what is happening. They helped me out with changing the locks when it first kicked off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 19:23

Kids aren't his no.

OP posts:
BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 29/12/2018 19:26

How do you know he has seen the photos? Does your new BF know, and that he is now at risk of significant violence? If not, you need to tell him.

RoseOfSharyn · 29/12/2018 19:26

I know from experience there ia very little the police can/will do.
My exh paid people to terrorise me. Keying my car. Smashing windows. Breaking fences/gates. Pouring glue on my windscreen. Throwing maggot infested meat into my garden. Cutting off my electricity so all my food went off while i was away....The list goes on.

As there was no firm proof who had done it (even though he admitted it on a voice recording i had)tthey couldn't/wouldn't do a thing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. X

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 29/12/2018 19:27

Stalking Helpline

Paladin

dworky · 29/12/2018 19:29

This is who you need to speak to: paladinservice.co.uk/
They will advise you on what you need to do next.

Original poster
Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 19:34

New BF has been a friend for years so knows all about him. He just didn't realise how nuts he is I don't think.

He thinks it will blow over. I am less confident.

I know he has seen the pictures because he messaged new BF a load of insults and and said he will see him soon.

New BF blocked him and then we get these pictures/videos from the neighbour a few hours later.

Thanks for those links.

OP posts:
BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 29/12/2018 19:42

If you do not change jobs at the same time, there is limited benefit in moving house and schools, because it is relatively easy to follow someone home from work and school, or get someone else to, and you'll be back to square one.

The only exceptions would be if he lived or stayed often with you at the house, (so feels a connection or ownership to it and knows its layout and security/weaknesses - you might be wise to break that link), or if he, his family or friends live, work or socialise nearby, (so he's already in the area often - you might be wise to put as many miles as possible between you), or if you move to a more easily secured house.

I'm not saying that you have to change jobs to move, just that there might not then be a point in moving house, especially if you have good neighbours looking out for you where you are, unless you also move job and schools.

BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 29/12/2018 20:04

Seen together with the assault on the other man, and the existence of the NMOs, the messages to your new BF on FB are evidence and should be kept, and shown to Police and available to any relevant court proceedings.

SandyY2K · 29/12/2018 20:13

Don't email. Type a letter and send it via recorded delivery to the chief constable. Cc your local MP and I'd actually cc women's aid.

The police will then be aware of other people you've informed. Tell them owing to his violence and assault on the man you mentioned you are in grave fear.

If nothing else...they should be able to give you advice.

Can you also warn the new guy...because its not safe for him.

BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 29/12/2018 20:49

I can't understand why the neighbours didn't ring the police immediately on seeing 2 men in balaclavas hanging around? Do tell them to do that in future, not to hesitate, as well as the photos/video. You are justified in ringing 999 in the circumstances. He is breaching a NMO, his bail conditions, and most importantly there is evidence from recent past behaviour that he has potentially come to commit a violent crime.

Wearing the balaclavas is obviously to avoid identification and to frighten you and your BF. He was probably looking to see if your BF was at your house. Does he have a car that could be identified? Do you know who the other person is likely to be? Do any of your neighbours have CCTV? Even on reasonable suspicion that balaclava-wearing men are about to commit a burglary or robbery, you can and should ring the police on 999.

I understand your reluctantance to involve other people, but do think about letting any decent near neighbours know that you're worried, and ask them to ring the police immediately if they see anything suspicious.

Original poster
Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 21:23

I have no idea why they didn't phone the police, they know the situation with the ex.

They took the video and sent it to my brother who sent it to me. They are good friends with my brother. There was q delay in it getting to me so by the time I saw it and rang the police they were gone.

I am not sure who the other person was.

They were probably looking for the new BF so God knows what they were planning to do.

I mean if you see someone looking like this, you phone the police!

Ex creeping round with a balaclava on
OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/12/2018 21:31

Can your new BF not go to the police with those messages?

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 21:35

Tell people never to put photos of you on FB. Totally pisses me off that people feel the right to post photos of others

Original poster
Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 21:36

He stupidly deleted them. I think he was embarrassed at the content of the insults to be honest and he doesn't seem to be taking the situation seriously.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/12/2018 21:37

💐 did new BF keep the messages?
Can he take them to the police?

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 21:37

Sorry, cross post

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 21:43

The phone nessages will be retrievable

Original poster
Dextrodependant · 29/12/2018 22:09

70s I don't think the police will dedicate the resources to retrieving messages unless he does something serious to me.

He broke into my house and stole my dog on seperate occasions and when he started using a new email address to contact me they said they can't prove its him so nothing they can do. It's up to me to change my email and make myself uncontactable.

On a brighter note I have cleared the Christmas mess up so if I do get murdered at least my house will look nice on the crime scene photos.

OP posts:
Yousignup · 30/12/2018 08:15

Your new BF needs to keep all messages. Sadly it looks as though he needs to protect himself.

calmsealife · 30/12/2018 08:21

I can't imagine what your going through. Is it possible for you to move?

ChristmasFan2018 · 30/12/2018 08:37

You are right to be alarmed. He is frightening.

I recommend WA, escalate with police & contact your MP

Is your employer aware if all this? They should be

I think you should remove the photo incase you are identified. Also your DB's network provider sulk be able to retrieve deleted items