Trying to move on but shooting myself in the foot

[tryingtomoveon10]

Hello ☺️ it’s my first post on here so please be gentle with me! My thoughts might develop as I type...

I was with my ex partner for 11 years (I’m now 32) and we separated a couple of years ago. It was only since we separated and I had counselling that I realised what a toxic and psychologically abusive relationship it had been. I am well and truly over the relationship and don’t look back.

I am ready for a new relationship and would like to meet someone to see where things go. However I seem to shoot myself in the foot every time I meet someone nice. Despite my best and hardest efforts, I turn into the psychotic woman I told myself I would never become. I panic if I don’t hear back from people I am seeing within an hour or two, convince myself they have lost interest (or were never interested in the first place), and get myself so worked up that I send streams of messages (if they hadn’t lost interest already, that is certainly an off-putter). When I do meet someone nice, I convince myself that they are ‘the one’ almost immediately which again does nothing but push them away.

I never thought I was be like this and I do think a lot of it is because of my previous relationship. I do not think I could go through that much hurt again but I don’t know how to temper myself - despite knowing that ‘playing it cool’ is better than ‘psycho with a phone’.

Thoughts, tips and experience all appreciated.

T x

I think what you are describing sounds quite normal. You've been hurt and you a r learning to start again on relationships.

I think maybe keeping a journal would help. Of feelings and thoughts. Sharing your thought with a journal might help you to not blurt stuff out.

Take things easy, enjoy the fun, be positive about yourself.

Have you so be the women's Aid freedom programme?

Thanks for the reply @Italiangreyhound. The worst thing is I know I'm being like this, I can see myself, but I can't stop it 😞 what has triggered this post today is that I have had 5 or 6 really great dates with a guy I met on Tinder. He has been giving all the right signals. From day 1 he has been slow to reply to messages to the point that I have assumed he has lost interest, only for him to reply hours later enthusiastically planning our next date. We met up again on Thursday and it went really well, but now I've not heard from him for over 24 hours. He has been on WhatsApp so knows that I sent him a message this afternoon. He is with family over Christmas and there are a million good reasons he wouldn't have replied, but my anxiety has taken over. I have not sent him another message but it is taking all my effort not to.

I know I sound crazy 😞

You don’t sound crazy. You sound anxious.
Have you thought about what you’re really anxious about? Deep down thought?

OP, in more and more offices, personal phones are not allowed on the office floor, due to sensitive information being handled throughout the day. In my old office, we had to put our phones in small personal lockers before starting work and logging on. Ergo, picking up your phone at break time and leaving the office floor was when we could access our messages etc. Not everybody can immediately answer messages at once, and of course not everyone is constantly checking their phones every minute to see if there's a message there. That could be the lack of instant answers to your IMs.

@Travisandthemonkey you're absolutely right - I'm anxious as fuck (pardon my French). If I'm being completely honest I think my self esteem has taken a hit and I worry that I'm "not good enough" for someone I like. My breakup did a lot of harm to my mental health and I can't imagine going through that again, but I can't imagine being perennially single either.

@Torridon19 you're definitely right there. I know at work I can't always reply and I had gotten into a good routine with current prospect (there's got to be an acronym for that!) of texting mid-morning, mid-afternoon and late evening. I think now it's been 27 hours I'm worrying, especially as I know he will have seen my message. My mind immediately jumps to "I'm being ghosted" rather than thinking logically, like he is with family (but surely one message in 27 hours isn't much? Or is it? Is this normal when you first start going on dates?).

I must admit I think it’s a bit long to not message someone back
What is your gut feeling with this guy

Gut feeling? I honestly don't know. He doesn't seem the ghosting sort. We have a lot in common and seem to enjoy each other's company. He is always enthusiastic about planning our next date (when he responds!! 🤬🤯). Are some people really just this bad at replying? Or is he humouring me?

goes to find gin

I’m exactly the same.

I ended an abusive relationship earlier this year. I’ve been seeing someone for about 6 weeks but due to our working patterns, it’s moving incredibly slowly. I had a terrible week this past week as we barely spoke Monday, didn’t hear anything Tuesday or Wednesday until I sent another message (I’d sent the last before that), had a brief convo then stopped replying....didn’t hear anything until late Thursday and at that point I was telling myself to let it go, it was finished ect...No....she then messages, we arrange another date and talk loads for 2 days...it’s all in my head. I just don’t trust anyone anymore. I’m going to make a really conscious effort to stop stressing now. I KNOW she isn’t a big texter and I KNOW when she is busy she doesn’t message much but I still panic as I really like her which is so rare for me! I never used to be like this and I’m looking into counsellin as it’s all in my head. I’ve managed to not voice any of this.

I must admit that long for texting back after 6-7 dates would make me feel the other person is just not interested. Sure, a few hours I wouldn’t think anything of but more than a day and he’s been on WhatsApp in the mean time?
It only takes a few seconds to tap out a reply to someone, even if it’s a hey really busy right now talk tomorrow?

@MegFlyAway2 I genuinely do think he is just a bad replier, but honestly I would be really surprised if he had decided he wasn't interested. Thursday's date went really well and we were talking about next time.

@Foreverlexicon I couldn't put it any better myself! That's exactly what I'm talking about. I think there are 3 options:

1. they've lost interest
2. they're genuinely bad texters
3. they're also trying to play it cool in which case for the love of god STOP 😂

For now I wouldn’t take it too personally. Try and stay level headed if you think he’s shown enough signs that he is interested properly.
But do remember you deserve someone who makes you happy and not anxious.

Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard, and it does make you question things in a way you wouldn’t have previously. But that can be a good thing.

Did you have any therapy after your last relationship?

Everything is very instant these days! I'm 50 plus so wouldn't expect an instant reply. When I first had a phone I didn't even have it turned on all all time.

Maybe he just wants to play it a bit cool. If you start rushing him it won't help. If he isn't right for you then you, can move on. But maybe give him a chance.

As others say, explore your feelings.

I'm not sure I know what level headed is anymore @Travisandthemonkey. My ex did an excellent job of sending me --> 🥴!

I had counselling at the time. Maybe it's time for some more...

@Italiangreyhound we had said we'd see each other either 3rd or 4th - so maybe the answer is to see if that materialises. I've had anxiety for a long time anyway (though generally well controlled), but online dating has a lot to answer for when it comes to mental health. I say bring back dinner dances and letter writing!

He's probably having exactly the same thoughts as you: "better not seem too eager"; "should I reply now or leave it longer?"; "I really like her but I don't want to seem like a stalker"

Yeah modern dating fucks with your head.

I think if his level of contact isn't enough for you, then you need to say something about it when you next see him. Also, it might help you if you date more than one man at a time, or at least chat to others. I can almost guarantee he is doing this

@sizzledrizz we'd both said (very casually) that we're not seeing anyone else, though didn't go as far as talking about exclusivity. I know he is still using Tinder. Maybe it's because I've been out of the dating game for 11+ years but it just seems odd to me to be messing around after 5 or 6 dates if you like someone 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'm probably being unrealistic!

OP I met my dh through an old style send a letter pre internet dating thing. I can remember making calls from call boxes!

The thing is if I were saying now and he expected a reply quickly, it would scare me off.

If you make a plan and he doesn't stick to it, that's different IMHO.

The thing is if I were dating now and he expected a reply quickly, it would scare me off.

Thanks so much @Italiangreyhound 💐 so we're on 30 hours of not hearing back; he's 100% seen my last message from this afternoon; so consensus is... give him a chance, wait to see if he replies and don't assume the worst?

Well you’re going to hear or not one way or another. But hold on to your dignity and don’t send anymore messages.

sigh

Why are men so difficult?

Gin, anyone?