Trying to move on but shooting myself in the foot

[tryingtomoveon10]

Hello ☺️ it’s my first post on here so please be gentle with me! My thoughts might develop as I type...

I was with my ex partner for 11 years (I’m now 32) and we separated a couple of years ago. It was only since we separated and I had counselling that I realised what a toxic and psychologically abusive relationship it had been. I am well and truly over the relationship and don’t look back.

I am ready for a new relationship and would like to meet someone to see where things go. However I seem to shoot myself in the foot every time I meet someone nice. Despite my best and hardest efforts, I turn into the psychotic woman I told myself I would never become. I panic if I don’t hear back from people I am seeing within an hour or two, convince myself they have lost interest (or were never interested in the first place), and get myself so worked up that I send streams of messages (if they hadn’t lost interest already, that is certainly an off-putter). When I do meet someone nice, I convince myself that they are ‘the one’ almost immediately which again does nothing but push them away.

I never thought I was be like this and I do think a lot of it is because of my previous relationship. I do not think I could go through that much hurt again but I don’t know how to temper myself - despite knowing that ‘playing it cool’ is better than ‘psycho with a phone’.

Thoughts, tips and experience all appreciated.

T x

It takes a lot to fully recover from an abusive relationship. You were also in the relationship for such a long period of time and him making you believe the mental abuse was normal. Its hard to overcome. There are many books that can help you or audiobooks, that woman in spice girls scary spice has written a best selling book on her experience of abuse which has helped thousands of wome there are also many books on healthy relationships and also books on mindfulness which can really teach you to look after yourself. It is 100% true that you need to love yourself first. Which is often torn down in abusive relationships. I would definetly recomend self help books and healthy relationship books which will also help you realise your patterns and help you overcome them. Or if you hate to read you can get an audiobook or just youtube. Ted talks are informitive and short and fun to listen to with thousands of topics. Good luck.

You’ve only had a handful of dates with him! Stop focusing on him and go and do something else - see a friend, go out for a walk, do a Zumba class, whatever you like. Make sure you have a busy, fulfilling life and you won’t need a man’s approval to propel up your self-esteem.

Don’t make him the centre of your life. Then you won’t be hanging on, waiting for him to call.

If he's still on Tinder then he's still looking, chatting and probably dating. I think 30 hours is too long. Personally I'd move on. This one is making you anxious and doubt big yourself. It's rude to say the least, to not respond to a message after you've read it. He knows you've seen him on line and he wants you to know he's read it and can't be bothered to respond.
There'll be better than him out there

I take everyone's points (and thank you so much for them 🙏🏻) - it's all just easier said than done. Rejection hurts, especially when you think something has been going well. Who knows, he might reply tonight or tomorrow or next week! I think the root of all of this is anxiety from my previous relationship and the fear of going through the pain again.

I remember being like you when I was dating and wondering where the heck my sanity had gone as I'd always been so independent and secure.

In honesty (and with heaps of hindsight!) I came to realise those that turned me into an anxiety ridden mess were actually just not that into me and subconsciously I was picking up on it and reacting by over-texting and generally just stressing about it all. Like you said yourself if someone is into you it shouldn't take them 30+ hours to reply. When I met my now soon to be DH there was none of that uncertainty and anxiety, as cringe as it sounds it was all just so easy and straightforward and many years later I can still say I've never not known where I stand with him.

Don't lose hope, there are good guys out there that won't have you questioning your every action, you just might have to miss a few frogs to find them.

Men can be difficult at times but I think sometimes they just look at things differently.

@MagicalTwinky
I think this is about right

Well, turns out you were all right. After waiting nearly 36 hours he thinks it's best we don't go on any more dates. Why do I do this to myself every time? WTAF is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you but you're new and naive to this. You have invested all your time into one guy. He - regardless of what he said - was not just talking to/seeing you. He was going on other dates or at the very least messaging other people whilst also in contact with you. This is why he has now cancelled further dates because he has found someone/or a few people who he is going to pursue further.

It's awful that dating works this way now, but there are SO many options. You could walk away from the perfect date, plan to meet again an the guy could in a days time swipe on a girl he prefers.

All we can all do is not invest too soon. Keep your options open. It's OKAY to date multiple people at once until you have one that has confirmed they are exclusive with you and you confirm you are with them. Until that moment you are both open to date and speak to as many people as you want.

You're right. It's all bull💩 but I guess that's the game I need to learn to play. Maybe this will teach me not to invest in one guy at a time.

Thank you everyone 💐

Nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with taking it one guy at a time (that sounds wrong!)
I would do the same.
It’s sad really, I don’t want to game play and neither do you.
aaaah
You’ll get there in the end. Frogs and all that.

I know exactly how you feel. Modern dating is brutal especially if you’re feeling fragile. I think abit of self sabotage is going on here too, it sounds like you are pushing them away by getting so anxious because you’re trying to protect yourself. You sound very vulnerable and I hope you are being extra kind to yourself. It’s awful when recovering from an abusive relationship as you feel like you’re never going to heal. I promise you that you will run yourself an indulgent bubble bath with some rose petals, nice glass of wine, just spoil yourself rotten! You deserve it xx

I have to give credit where credits due. At least you’re dipping your toe in the water and trying. This guy didn’t work out, that’s fine. The whole point of dating is to find someone right for you. Better to learn that now than invest more time into him and be disappointed or worse used.

I suggest taking your time. There’s no rush and it’s all a learning curve. And as I say, fair play for you trying. I’ve completely given up, my latest on a long line of bruising encounters with women have been the last straw for me. Just can’t summon up any more will to deal with yet more disappointment. Instead I’m indulging in wine and anything high in calories.

Thank you so much for all your lovely comments 😘 I'm feeling a mix of angry/stupid/embarrassed/tired this morning. I know I should pull myself together, but I'm going to let myself have one day (and one day only) of moping around and feeling sorry for myself with a tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Just call me Bridget.

"...give him a chance, wait to see if he replies and don't assume the worst?"

IMHO, yes.

Agree with Travisandthemonkey "hold on to your dignity and don’t send anymore messages."

If this is just dating, not too inimate, no sex yet, etc, (what do I know, I am ancient) then I would date more than one man at a time if you want to. You moved to saying you were exclusive quick quickly, did he or you prompt that?

You see if you are anything like me you would want to stick to that but not know if he was!

For me sex is only for serious relationships so if I were sleeping with a guy it would be serious and monogamous on my part.

If you feel differently go with what is right for you! You can usually speed up but it is hard to slow down.

quite quickly

OP, I'm so sorry this worked out this way. How he acts or how any man responds to you is not in your control. What you can control is how you move forward, so do not take what happened as a reflection on you or your worth. Instead try to move forward and not get so pinned to a guy so early in the process. I know that's easier said than done.

By the way, I had no idea that you had Ben & Jerry's in the UK. I learn something new here everyday.

B&Js is a lifesaver @MissConductUS

It's all hit me a bit this afternoon. Not sure if I'm upset because of the rejection, because I've realised how stupid I've been, or both. Either way.... 😢

Stop being so hard on yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. Enjoy your B&Js. Watch junk TV and eat good food. It’s all an experience and long as your learn something from it you’ll be better prepared for future dates. Think I might indulge myself once I’ve finished the tedium of housework.

I understand you’re upset. But really this is not your fault. And you’re not fucking stupid, you behaved like a normal person.

It’s just the thought of rejection rather than the actual other person, because you don’t know him yet.
It will all be ok. I promise!!!

If he contacts now, just say thanks but no thanks, this level of feeling crap is not worth it.
And I would trust your gut in the future, you want someone to be enthusiastic about contacting you or replying. And that’s totally fine. Some people don’t care about texting and some people do.

I made this vital error, go on a date, two days later a text, then another date, then 2 more days. It’s not worth the fucking bother and it’s always a waste of time in the long run.

You’re allowed to feel sad about it, but you’re not allowed to blame yourself in anyway!!!!