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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship

40 replies

Kel2101 · 28/12/2018 21:40

First poster want to hear other people’s views!
My boyfriend of 8 years and my boys dad. Has cheated on me 2 times once when I was pregnant and he came back, now the second time is still on going, he got her pregnant, is still keeping her sweet and trying to get her to get an abortion, she will be 20+ weeks now. He is also telling me he wants me back. I’ve never been so strong but get my weak moments. I don’t know what to do, he is (was) my world. I was so happy and thought he was too. He says he’s realised what he had it’s just a shame it might be too late. What do I do! X

OP posts:

RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 21:46

You rummage in the bin until you find your self respect and then you tell this cheating arsehole that he made that baby he needs to fucking well step-up and support it, not ‘keep the mother sweet’ until he can convince her to have a late stage termination. Have you even any clue what that entails? And you still love this creature?

He’s sexually incontinent and has no morals. It should be an easy one, but apparently not.

Dirtybadger · 28/12/2018 21:50

What a twat.

Cheating once is...some people forgive some dont. No ta!

Twice!? What a fucking joker

Getting someone else pregnant?......

And the worst thing which just shows him to be a basically awful human is pressuring her to have a termination instead of respecting her decision.

Try to disengage as much as possible. Keep things formal and civil to facilitate contact between him and DS. Nothing more.

Sorry OP

MrsMoastyToasty · 28/12/2018 21:55

Obtain self respect
Get tested for STIs
Separate finances
Boot to his arse.

jayne310 · 28/12/2018 21:55

20+ weeks is abit late to be thinking about having an abortion...
You eaither stay with him and he steps up for the new baby. And you get over it.
Or you leave him and leave him to it ?

losingfaith · 28/12/2018 21:57

You're actually contemplating getting back with someone that not only cheats on you, but is pressuring someone to have an abortion at 20+weeks?? As RagingWhoreBag said, do you even know what that would involve? Ie being induced, going through labour and literally having a baby (dead) at the end of the process. As others have said you need to work on your self respect.

Original poster

Kel2101 · 29/12/2018 08:17

I understand what you are all saying, yess I don’t agree with the abortion idea but she wouldn’t get rid if she didn’t want too.
She’s had the choice already so whatever he is trying to do will not work unless she agrees! I don’t need to be told to not get back with him because it’s clear I shouldn’t but I am also heart broken and I’m only 25 we’ve been together since we were kids it’s hard to let go when he was once perfect. Can people change?

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/12/2018 08:27

He was never perfect or this shit wouldn't have happened. He won't change so you will have to - by being strong and getting rid of him. You are sooooo young and in time will find someone who wants YOU only.

LonginesPrime · 29/12/2018 08:30

t’s hard to let go when he was once perfect. Can people change?

He wasn't 'once perfect' - you were just under the impression that he was perfect.

He's now shown that to be untrue. So while it sucks, you're better off out of it. Be thankful that you're only 25, only have one child with him and are young enough to be able to meet and build a life with a decent partner now.

And no, he won't change, so don't be a mug.

letsdolunch321 · 29/12/2018 08:43

No, no, no people vary rarely change.

He has cheated on you, now another woman is carrying his child. If you got back with him you would be looking over your shoulder the whole time - second guessing what he is doing.

The relationship with him would be toxic.

Needsomebottle · 29/12/2018 09:24

"she wouldn't get rid if she didn't want to"

Yes she might. Pregnancy is a time of great vulnerability. If I'm reading correctly you took back your cheating partner whilst pregnant? Do you think if you weren't pregnant you would have done? She could very easily be persuaded that if she does he will be with her blah blah blah... After all he is charmingly "keeping her sweet".

I'm sorry that you are going through this awful emotional time, but he is playing you both, is undoubtedly telling her that he has feelings for her in order to get her to do what he wants and from the fact you've taken him back twice after cheating shows he's very good at convincing people to do what he wants. Please stop being so naive and think of what you would say to a friend who came to you with this dilemma. Then take your own advice. Best of luck.

BackInTheRoom · 29/12/2018 09:50

'Entitlement'. He cheats because he can, he deserves to make himself happy. Others put 'others' first but cheaters put themselves first so no, I don't think he can change because he'd have to put himself second.

Original poster

Kel2101 · 29/12/2018 12:07

I understand where your all coming from and I am not defending him at all, I also think he’s a horrible person but I can’t help but still have the love. What if it was your boyfriends or husbands! It’s really really hard!!

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 29/12/2018 12:13

We've all been where you are OP so we get it. However don't forget the 'push-pull' dynamic; When he pulls away/has an affair, you want him more and sometimes you can misinterpret this feeling for 'love'?

RagingWhoreBag · 29/12/2018 12:25

If it was my boyfriend or husband he wouldn’t have made it past the first betrayal. Honestly, you have to draw a line and let this one go.

Have you ever heard the phrase “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” You’ve allowed him the opportunity to disrespect you again. Don’t give him a third.

LaughingCow99 · 29/12/2018 12:33

"She wouldn't get rid".

Jesus.

explodingkitten · 29/12/2018 12:41

What you love is the fantasy vision you have of him. I truly hope that you don't love a man who cheats, doesn't want to take care of a baby he made and even is trying to pressure the mother into having a late abortion! He sounds awful.

losingfaith · 29/12/2018 13:24

If it was my husband or boyfriend the persistent cheating alone would be enough to make me walk away. If that hadn't been enough, his attitude and pressuring someone into having a late termination would disgust me and be a dealbreaker - not only is is hideous thing to do to someone, but also further demonstrates his only concern is himself.

No one is saying it is easy. At the end of the day, if you do decide to get back with him you'll only be hurting yourself.

WeeWheels72 · 29/12/2018 15:27

My OH left me, when he got his OW pregnant, then they terminated the wee one. NEVER would I ever take him back, and yes I do still love him. But I could never trust him again, I deserve better and would rather be on my own, my kids deserve better....16 years down the drain some might say....I say I may love him, but that's not enough to keep me with a shite like that. He will move on to different relationships, and god knows, I doubt will ever change, but I have the rest of my life in front of me, alone or not, to live my life without it eating away at me. Do yourself a favour.....move on....its the best thing you will ever do, and a year down the line, you will be glad you did.

LastOneDancing · 29/12/2018 15:33

What do you love about him so much?

The sick feeling when he's talking to the other woman he got pregnant on the phone?
Worrying everytime he's out without you?
The shite example he's setting your boys?
Or the drama & the thrill when he throws some crumbs of attention your way?

This man is not a good man. I'd suggest you take some time to work on why you're giving a second thought to having him in your life.

Original poster

Kel2101 · 29/12/2018 21:27

I know your all right but it’s really really hard to let go when he is begging for me back and has realised he’s messed up. He hit rock bottom. Surely that’s enough motive to change. I know people who have genuinely changed.

OP posts:

losingfaith · 29/12/2018 21:51

So he didn't mess up the first time he cheated? I'd bet money he has cheated on other occasions but just not been caught. He's "messed up" and his way of fixing it is pressuring a pregnant woman to have a late termination and telling you what you want to hear. His behaviour is immoral at best and would have people running for the hills. Regardless, you've asked for people's opinions and had them. You don't need anyone's permission to get back with him if you genuinely think this is all you're worth. Don't be surprised when he disappoints you again.

Original poster

Kel2101 · 30/12/2018 07:07

I haven’t made up my mind. It’s just sad and feels like end of an era, I’m best of friends with his mum. His family are my family. Our friends. I’ll loose everyone as he’s the type of person who everyone follows for some reason. It’s him his family and my friends I feel like everything will change not just loosing a boyfriend! It’s just sad and I know he did it himself like I said just doesn’t make my life or decision any easier!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/12/2018 07:13

OliviaStabler · 30/12/2018 07:18

He hit rock bottom. Surely that’s enough motive to change.

He didn't change the first time he cheated, why do you think he will change now?

subspace · 30/12/2018 08:29

I'm so sorry. I hear you, it's hard. But trust us, he's not the person you thought, and wish he was.

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