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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am petrified he is going to find out.

45 replies

Dinky123 · 28/12/2018 09:04

Morning ladies,

I hope I can get some advice from you to calm my anxious head.

Me and DP have been together for 3 years now. Not married, no children. In the early days of being together we had a chat about how many people we had slept with. I said how many minus one.

The person who I didn't include I had slept with a couple of years ago before meeting DP and if I am honest have tried to block it out of my head. I was young and taken advantage of big time whilst drunk. Looking back on it now it was sexual assault.

As time went on I forgot about it and tried getting on with my life and then met DP.

We went out for a couple of days ago with some of his mates and whilst in the loo, one of his mates friend arrived. To my horror, it was the man I had slept with years ago. He was still as seedy as ever and told me that me and DP will break up soon because he wants me, although his girlfriend was there.

DP wasn't speaking to him and I found out that he really hates this guy and they have had disagreements in the past.

I have not stopped thinking that DP is going to find out and I am so anxious.

One part of me knows that what happened to me wasn't my fault and I didn't and still don't need to disclose my sexual history to him but on the other hand I am petrified that he will find out and be so angry with me.

AIBU in not telling him in the first place?

TIA Sad

OP posts:
changeyourusernameha · 28/12/2018 09:09

I would hope that if your partner loves you enough he would be understanding and supportive if you explained the sexual assault side of it

Musti · 28/12/2018 09:11

Oh lovely, speak to your DP you need his support. He will completely understand, anyone half decent would.

Sisterlove · 28/12/2018 09:12

I presume you didn't tell him the names of people you slept with? If not. ..this man could be one of your number.

He can't break you and your DP up as you won't be with him again, no matter what he wants.

The only thing is that he sounds like a troublemaker. If you think he'll be a regular feature, then maybe you should mention that he was a guy you slept with in the past, but he's such a creep and you blocked it out until you saw him the other day. Then tell your DP what he said.

DrMorbius · 28/12/2018 09:14

I assume when you had this bizare chat about how many people we had slept with you didn't include names and addresses? If not, just include this character into your count (lose one of your originals).
Then IMHO (as Mr Seedy has the potential for trouble) tell your DP the circumstances of the hook up.

Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 09:16

OP, I guarantee you your DP will be angry, he'll be incandescent....but with him! Not you. Oh you poor love Sad

Only you know what happened during the event itself but drunk people cannot consent so it sounds like rape. I am so sorry Flowers

It also sounds as if you've repressed the whole thing. I wonder if part of that is fueling the anxiety and the very misplaced fear. Or is it?

Only you can decide what to do. Personally, I'd disclose but then again, I don't know what your relationship is like. His initial reaction as in the first one will be very telling.

And [hugs] because the situation is horrible.

category12 · 28/12/2018 09:18

Have you ever had any support with what this man did to you? You could speak to Rape Crisis and get some help with it.

Is your dp an unsympathetic person that you can't trust to believe or support you? If you think that about him, in the long term, you should consider if this is the right relationship for you. You haven't done anything wrong, you didn't tell him because you were trying to blank it out.

Regarding the man who assaulted you, you have more power than you think. Don't be afraid to tell him to stay the fuck away from you, and consider reporting him to the police. Find your anger.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this Flowers.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/12/2018 09:21

I think its quite weird to discuss numbers of sexual partners, tbh, but maybe i am out of touch. Just tell this creepy little perv to get lost. If he says he will tell your boyfriend, or try and split you up, tell him that blackmail is a serious offence!

mindutopia · 28/12/2018 09:24

I would sit him down and tell him the truth. What a horrible burden to carry that secret around and let this guy win. What number you stick with doesn’t really matter (honestly, I can’t imagine he really cares about that, unless we’re talking in the thousands!). I don’t even know if my dh remembers us having that conversation. I definitely had more than him! But I’m not sure either of us would remember the others ‘number.’

But if you love and support each other, he’ll want to know that part of your history and won’t freak out that you’ve been honest. I told my dh about being assaulted when we had been together probably 3 months. No big deal, he listened and was lovely and it was a weight off my shoulders. If nothing else, it gives him even better reason to cut this loser out of his life.

pictish · 28/12/2018 09:36

Just tell your dp what you told us. Good luck xx

Juells · 28/12/2018 09:39

how many people we had slept with

To me, 'people you have slept with' implies consent. If seedy guy had sex with you without proper consent from you, I can see why you'd place him in the different category of - 'people who took advantage'.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:39

Just say what you said here and what he said in the toilet. If you’re worried about your partners reaction he must not be very nice

Crazybunnylady123 · 28/12/2018 09:44

Tell him. You need his support. X

DitchTheInLaws · 28/12/2018 09:48

Tell him, and be honest about how it happened so he can clearly see why you didn't put him in your list of previous partners (as it was obviously somewhat one-sided), then ask DP for his support so that you never have to see the creep again. You've done nothing wrong OP, I hope this is all resolved quickly for you Flowers

badirene · 28/12/2018 09:51

Tell your partner OP, you will need support so maybe contact a rape crisis service in your area to help you deal with all this.

It is awful that you have to deal with this scumbag again but by telling your partner what happened you take away his power over you, I would bet that this man is enjoying your discomfort and will continue with remarks and general nastiness.

I wish you well, please take care of yourself.

Fairylightfurore · 28/12/2018 09:54

Absolutely tell him. You don't have to tell him what number this guy was. I doubt your DH remembers details of that conversation from 3 years ago.

sparklepops123 · 28/12/2018 09:54

Tell your dp before this guy gives him his version of events.
He sounds like the type that would,especially if they don't get on. Good luck

Juells · 28/12/2018 09:55

Thinking about this... if sleazy man ever says anything like that to you again you could say "You were lucky I didn't report you for sexual assault in the past, now back off". Seems like you're still afraid of him at some level, which is giving him power over you. He doesn't have any power, apart from your fear.

Mouseville65 · 28/12/2018 10:00

Unless he asked you how many people have sexually assaulted you then I don't see the problem.

Sexual assaults DO NOT count as sexual partners.

The thought sickens me ... as a victim of childhood sexual assault am I now being told I have to count that monster as a sexual partner?!

You have done nothing wrong, you do not have to tell your DP everything that's EVER happened in your life, you are allowed to move on and leave it in the past, don't let this pervert trigger anxiety - stand up to him OP, tell him you'll report him and let everyone know how disgusting he really is if he doesn't leave you alone x

Original poster
Dinky123 · 28/12/2018 10:01

Thanks for your kind words ladies.

I have tried to forget about what happened and am now feeling overwhelmed as I am remembering everything.

The guy won't be around often as he is a friend of one of his friends. I am surprised that we haven't bumped into him before.

We go away tomorrow and don't want to tell him before we go.

Think I will look into getting some help about what happened and assess it from there on whether I want to tell him or not

OP posts:
TheStoic · 28/12/2018 10:02

Why can’t you just include this guy in your ‘number’? I don’t understand.

Doobee · 28/12/2018 10:05

Speak to your DP. Say “can we chat about your mates friend” then tell him that he sexually assaulted you. Don’t apologise and don’t even think you should have included him in your number of people you slept with. The slept with number is your number of people you enjoyed sex with and was all consensual. This was a crime committed against you and is not in the same category. So you put it as you’d like him to let you know if that guy will be there so you can avoid him in future as he committed a crime against you. The way your DP reacts to this and you will tell you if you’re meant to be together or not.

Stormy76 · 28/12/2018 10:29

You wouldn't have included him in the number of people you slept with because they were consensual, where as sexual assault is not and who wants to tell their partner 'oh I slept with x no of people but was assaulted by 1 person'. Please get some support to help you deal with what happened, consider telling your partner after you have sought some help because I imagine as he dislikes this man anyway it could get nasty.

userxx · 28/12/2018 10:32

I'd say nothing. I do find it odd discussing previous sexual partners, it's got nothing to do with the current person. Go on holiday, enjoy yourself and try and put it to the back off your mind.

elfycat · 28/12/2018 10:32

He's not someone you slept with, he's a vile criminal who assaulted you. I'm not sure if anyone should count a rapist amongst their 'numbers'. Do not worry about that in the slightest.

But you might need to tell your DH, in a 'something bad once happened with that guy', or 'I think I need to tell you I was assaulted once.' This is more so that you get the support you need. It is also a perfectly valid thing to not tell him right now or ever, though I don't think that is the ideal situation. If your Dp isn't supportive to you then he'd be the one in the wrong. I'd expect him to be angry, but not with you.

More importantly YOU need support if this man is waltzing around being scum in your vicinity fom time to time. If not your DP please find someone you can talk to who has your back.

JillScarlet · 28/12/2018 10:40

Your DP already hates this guy and recognised him for what he is, so I would guess he will be very much in your side, and an ally and a support.

I think it would be good to tell your DP because of what he said this time. You need your DP to know do that he can make sure you are never all at the same gathering again.

Good luck OP. And sorry you are carrying this. What a sleazeball.

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