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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am petrified he is going to find out.

45 replies

Dinky123 · 28/12/2018 09:04

Morning ladies,

I hope I can get some advice from you to calm my anxious head.

Me and DP have been together for 3 years now. Not married, no children. In the early days of being together we had a chat about how many people we had slept with. I said how many minus one.

The person who I didn't include I had slept with a couple of years ago before meeting DP and if I am honest have tried to block it out of my head. I was young and taken advantage of big time whilst drunk. Looking back on it now it was sexual assault.

As time went on I forgot about it and tried getting on with my life and then met DP.

We went out for a couple of days ago with some of his mates and whilst in the loo, one of his mates friend arrived. To my horror, it was the man I had slept with years ago. He was still as seedy as ever and told me that me and DP will break up soon because he wants me, although his girlfriend was there.

DP wasn't speaking to him and I found out that he really hates this guy and they have had disagreements in the past.

I have not stopped thinking that DP is going to find out and I am so anxious.

One part of me knows that what happened to me wasn't my fault and I didn't and still don't need to disclose my sexual history to him but on the other hand I am petrified that he will find out and be so angry with me.

AIBU in not telling him in the first place?

TIA

OP posts:

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 11:02

You can't change the past but take some power back and stop cowering.
If you think your DH us going to so angry that you was sexually assaulted stand up to him as well. He has no right to be. You are not at fault.
Stop being anxious and be bloody angry. How dare this nasty fucker talk shit about you and your partner breaking up.
Have a comment ready for next time you see him such as 'I'd hate to report you to the police as well as for the sexual assault on me, so why not quit while you can't
Easier said than done but this twat is playing on your fears.

Kennycalmit · 28/12/2018 12:51

I think it’s quite telling that you didn’t include this man in your number. Why not? Were you worried about your husbands reaction? What difference would it make?

Just tell your husband what’s gone on.

This is why it’s best to be honest though.

Original poster

Dinky123 · 28/12/2018 13:06

I have slept with 3 people. One being my DP, one being an ex boyfriend and the other being the man who took advantage of me.

DP only thinks I slept with one person before him.

OP posts:

Burnt0range · 28/12/2018 13:14

I am sure he will be more than understanding, OP.

Explain to him that it was something you had pushed to the back of your mind until you saw him again. Then explain what this man said to you the other night too. A relationship where you can be completely honest with each other is incredibly special.

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 13:21

I've already replied but apart from everything why dud you get involved with the ridiculous conversation of 'how many have you shagged. That's a conversation that should have been shut down.

whatsthepointthen · 28/12/2018 13:31

I know its frowned upon on here but ive found its a
prettynormal discussion irl.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 13:36

^You can't change the past but take some power back and stop cowering.
If you think your DH us going to so angry that you was sexually assaulted stand up to him as well. He has no right to be. You are not at fault.
Stop being anxious and be bloody angry. How dare this nasty fucker talk shit about you and your partner breaking up.
Have a comment ready for next time you see him such as 'I'd hate to report you to the police as well as for the sexual assault on me, so why not quit while you can't
Easier said than done but this twat is playing on your fears.^

Your empathy towards sexual assault victims knows no bounds.

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 14:10

Your empathy towards sexual assault victims knows no bounds
I was A victim of a vicious sexual assault many years ago. The case made some newspapers and changed my life.
For a long time i was ashamed and frightened and it took a long time to realuse that while i was anxious about virtually everything ( i was previously confident and out going) I would forever remain in his power.
I realised my clothes, my ' answering back, my previous relationships had nothing to do with the attack.
As I said it isn't easy but once it clicked with me my whole perspective changed. Ill never be the person I was before the attack but I have made piece with myself and will never let anyone have power over me again. A couple if years ago a manager did all he could to humiliate me. Once upon a time I would have tolerated it and left the job. The new me stood up, was very vocal about what he was doing and befire my eyes I could see all his faux power evaporate.

In Ops case I don't want the creepy tucker to torment and bully her. He is a POS.

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 14:13

I know its frowned upon on here but ive found its a
prettynormal discussion irl
Fair enough and that's interesting. I've never asked anyone not have I been asked.
It wouldn't occur to me to ask. Its of no consequence niw as I've been with DP 30 years now!!

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:15

A couple if years ago a manager did all he could to humiliate me. Once upon a time I would have tolerated it and left the job. The new me stood up, was very vocal about what he was doing and befire my eyes I could see all his faux power evaporate

But the manager who humiliated you wasn't your attacker. I'm really happy for you that you were able to deal with it in a way that makes you feel better, lots of people can't do that. They handle it differently. There are also different dynamics when dealing with women and men.

Women are frequently held to blame "for getting themselves into a situation" where they are assaulted.

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 14:22

You've missed my point.
I was viciously sexually assaulted , hospitilised. The attacker raped and attacked two ither women before he was caught. It was traumatic and isolating. I have the example of a the work situation to say how have changed and won't be a victim any more.

I'm hoping the Ops DP is going to be supportive and no more is seen or heard from the sleaze guy.

RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 14:23

But you didn’t ‘sleep with’ him if it was sexual assault.

That like asking how many people you’ve kissed and not included the guy who headbutted you.

Either way it shouldn’t matter, it’s a pointless conversation which bases your worth to your DP on how many other people have ‘had you’. You’re not a second hand car FFS.

My DP jokes that he doesn’t want to know my number because he suspects it’s pretty high. (He’s right) and that in itself speaks of an insecurity or judgment on my worth as a woman depending on how ‘used’ I am. I don’t like talking about his exes either so I’m not going have that chat.

However, if we did and he was in any way negative or judgmental about it I’d lose all respect for him. If he got angry with me he could fuck right off.

The fact that you worry your DP will be angry with you for daring to have a life before him, or indeed for feeling that you couldn’t be honest about it when you met, says a lot about him as a person.

He has nothing to be angry about - you should feel free to be totally honest with him without fear of reprisal and the fact that you’re not means this relationship is not healthy.

If he would judge you for being sexually assaulted then he’s as bad as this other guy in my book. Misogynistic twat.

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 14:26

Women are frequently held to blame "for getting themselves into a situation" where they are assaulted
Indeed, I said that I felt that way for a long time. Didn't i say it took me a while to realise that what I was wearing etc wasn't to blame for my attack. I blamed myself despite friends and family saying it wasn't my fault.
It took a while to realise there was one person to blame. The attacker.

Dirtybadger · 28/12/2018 14:30

I was assaulted shortly before I started dating DP and have never time hold him. It is entirely your decision whether you tell him or not. If he finds out some how else then you can address that when it comes it it, and explain. He will understand if he is a good guy.

However if like me you are starting to feel like maybe disclosing it (especially as you are now settled in the relationship) would be better for your long term MH then do that and don't be apologetic about it. But I can see why you might be reluctant even if that's what...as the dynamic of knowing this person even a bit removed makes it complicated. And of course you will them also be asking DP to keep it a secret assuming you don't want any other mutual friends to know.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:35

You've missed my point.I was viciously sexually assaulted , hospitilised. The attacker raped and attacked two ither women before he was caught. It was traumatic and isolating. I have the example of a the work situation to say how have changed and won't be a victim any more.

No, you missed my point. You may not have stood up to him if he was your attacker. She's just seen her rapist after many years and you're telling her to man up.

^Women are frequently held to blame "for getting themselves into a situation" where they are assaulted
Indeed, I said that I felt that way for a long time. Didn't i say it took me a while to realise that what I was wearing etc wasn't to blame for my attack. I blamed myself despite friends and family saying it wasn't my fault.It took a while to realise there was one person to blame. The attacker.^

Yes, again, your friends told you that you were not at fault. The OP may well be told she was at fault for being with him. Your name implies you are a man, there is a difference between the way other people treat female victims. The OP who just saw her attacker is worried about her boyfriend being angry with her.

notacooldad · 28/12/2018 14:39

Guacatrole
Ffs. So you make assumption and jump down my throat without checking your assumptions are correct.
Time to check out if this thread.
Hope everything is ok dinky

guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:53

I don't care if you are a woman (though I'm confused why you're acting like that isn't a natural assumption to make with your screenname)

you obviously were given support but, AS A WOMAN should be aware of why a woman who has just seen her attacker might not want to be given abused by her partner for a previous assault.

Being a victim of assault doesn't mean you can make other victims feel shit for not acting in exactly the same way as you. If you were confronted with your attacker today with no warning you'd probably be feeling cowed as well.

guacatrole · 28/12/2018 14:58

Sorry OP not trying to derail, I'll hide the thread now.

and I hope your boyfriend gives you the support you need.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 28/12/2018 15:32

Please speak to your dp
He will hopefully protect you from this awful man.

mychildrenaredrivingmemad · 28/12/2018 16:25

@Dinky123 You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. I know telling someone what you have been through is a huge step and incredibly difficult, but if you can, talk to your DP. In the meantime if you need to talk it through with someone neutral I cannot recommend rape crisis highly enough. Their helpline can be found here www.rasasc.org.uk/

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