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Hello looking for advice on my relationship, I am dyslexic so there may be some mistakes but will try and avoid that.

My partner and I have been together 2 years. We have one 4 month old little girl. He's 23 and I am 25. In September I found he had been messaging some 18 year old on Snapchat that lived ages away and asked her things like "are you a model?" And they talked about meeting up. I found out because I had a gut instinct something was up so I went through his phone. I snap chatted her and asked to answer me honestly and she did, she told me everything. She said he had told her we weren't together and I was his best friend he had had a baby with. He sent her pictures of our baby. I was devastated when I found out and angry that he had been talking to her while I was pregnant. Anyway he said sorry and begged me not to leave, said he wouldn't do it again and he knows what he nearly lost.He said would do anything including deleting Snapchat (his suggestion) he then re downloaded it after only a month or so. Fast forward to now and we've had huge rows lately and he acted really odd over Christmas (something bad happened to him when he was younger around Christmas time). Our relationship is really on the rocks but I'm desperate for him not to give up because I don't want to be apart from my little girl and I want us to all stay together. I felt like maybe he was messaging someone again so I tried to check but he had logged out of us Snapchat despite being on it before bed. I can't stop crying I feel like he is.

I feel like he is messaging someone and we live in a small town where everyone knows each other and I just know she will be prettier and more successful than me.

I think your gut instinct is probably right. He has already proved himself to be a player and not committed to you with his previous Snapchat affair.

If he agreed to delete Snapchat, what is his excuse for downloading it again? This only happened in September - he will have to work MUCH harder than that to earn your trust back.

Honestly, I think you need to just call it a day. He has learnt nothing from what happened in September and he has no respect for you or his daughter. I am tempted to blame his age - 23 is very young to be settling down with a family - but lots of 23 year olds do have families and make a good job of it so it’s probably just him. He’d probably be doing the same thing if he was 35. He’s a player and he’s not worth your effort and pain.

“I just know she will be prettier and more successful than me”

Please please don’t torture yourself on this front. You are more than worthy yourself. You are better than him (who is prioritising your daughter’s happiness? Certainly not him, he’s too selfish to put her or you first) and you deserve better than him. Don’t bother comparing yourself to other women he might be interested in. His inability to keep his dick to himself is really nothing to do with anything you may think you lack. He liked you well enough when he chose to have a baby with you didn’t he? And he would cheat on whoever he was with given the chance. It’s in his makeup. Not your fault, and not your problem if you save yourself a whole lot of further heartache and get rid of him now.

He had his one chance and he blew it.

By the way, he isn’t sorry about what happened in September- he’s just sorry he got caught. ‘Sorry’ would be coming to his senses and confessing all. ‘Sorry’ would be staying off social media for at least a year (never mind one month!!) ‘Sorry’ would be working very hard to win back your trust by being completely open and honest about everything.

He isn’t sorry. He hasn’t changed.

biggirlknickers is right. He’s not committed to you and will certainly do this again and again. You’ve already given him one chance, he is dishonest, immature and selfish. Cut your losses, tell him to leave and get out now before you waste any more time or care on him.

Perhaps you should spend some time building up your own self esteem before you look for someone else.
Worrying about what someone else looks like is pointless. Maybe you need to focus on being happy in your own skin. Spend the first half of 2019 just enjoying your daughter & your freedom.

Please, please , please never ever think you're not pretty nor compare yourself to other girls. You have your lovely child, his massive loss, he's a cheat and will always be that. Lessons not learned when he got caught, you really deserve a better man that will respect you. Throw the fucking cheat and disloyal excuse of a boy out. Don't ever think what the villagers/ the small town community might say, because whatever you do in life , good or bad, people still wag their mouth. Your happiness and peace of mind should be paramount and by these I'm referring to your DD. He thinks he'll be 23 forever. Just let him go and you'd be pleasantly surprised by how quickly you get over his lying, cheating ass.
Stay strong for you and your DD.

Hope you’re ok, OP. Keep talking to us. I can’t overstate how much talking on Mumsnet really helped me when I was facing a relationship breakdown five years ago. Emotional support, practical advice, wise words, reality checks, and the feeling that I had an army of friends behind me, even when I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t talk to anybody in real life about what was going on.

Five years on and I am so much stronger, happier and never once regretted leaving. I had very young children at the time too.

I can understand how especially young couples don’t work out and things like can and do happen. The bit I am struggling with is that you had a baby. One of the most precious and special gifts a couple can have. How you’re partner can squander that for something superficial as sex is genuinely a mystery to me. And I’m a guy.

The consensus here is leave him. A scary proposition when your a new mother and young. Feeding into this is a sense of being inferior. That you’re not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not successful enough.

I don’t value people on bank balances or how many grass shakes they guzzle. I value the person. I’ve not doubts you’re a wonderful, caring woman and a fabulous mother. I also have no doubts that’s he’s slime. He will do it again and the fact he could do this to the mother of his own child sickens me. You deserve MUCH better than that. Rely on family and friends. Look after yourself and the best interests of your baby. Get rid of him. You’ll quickly see from the subsequent fallout just what sort of man he really is.

The more chances you give this fuckwitted himbo the more times he will let you down....Guaranteed.

He isn't worthy of you.....In the slightest.

As for these social media "models" it's amazing what good lighting/angle, 10 pounds of transvestite make up and 3 filters can do!

This moron has given you 'ugly duckling syndrome' get rid and watch yourself transform into a beautiful swan.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you with your daughter...Enjoy it!

Best of luck

@biggirlknickers love your name. Thank you so much for your reply. I know I need to be brave and just call it quits but I'm so terrified of being a single mum and I hate the thought of having to hand DD to him a couple of times a week because i would miss her so much.

I feel so stupid for thinking he was it. Even worse is we've just agreed a tenancy it's all in his name too because my credit ratings bad. He hasn't actually physically cheated sorry I've not been very clear he just messaged her and said that they could meet up.

We live at the top of the country and this girl lived in the middle so I don't know if or how he would have met up with her because he would need an accuse to go there. And this Morning he said "have you been through my phone?" And I said "no" (even though I had) and he said "oh because snapchats logged out". So that proves that he didn't log Snapchat out himself which I originally thought he had.

@Seniorschoolmum @MumsyJ thank you for your replies I don't mean to compare myself but if we split up and he moved on and finds someone she will probably be 100x better me because I'm such a loser all the time. I still can't drive and I only work for a supermarket.

It doesn’t matter whether she’s ‘prettier’ or more ‘successful’ than you. What matters is the fact you’re with a man who has zero respect for you and your daughter. You both deserve better than him.

Why do you want this to work out?? He was messaging other women when you were carrying his unborn child. He’s disgusting

I'm such a loser all the time. I still can't drive and I only work for a supermarket

OP I’m still in my 20’s though I don’t have kids. I met my DP when I couldn’t drive and at the time worked in a supermarket. He’s never run off with other women.
When it comes to love and respect, your job title doesn’t come into it. He would’ve done this regardless of where you worked

I feel your lack of self esteem means you’ll let him walk all over you and he probably knows that. You deserve much better

He lacks maturity for this relationship. I can't see him being the one for you OP.

Being away from your child (if you split) gives you a break. It prevents over attachment. It's no reason to stay with a man who chats other women up while your pregnant.

You need to stop thinking you're a loser.

@maximumcarnage @Kennycalmit @Sisterlove I know you're right. I just messaged him and said "just tell me you're doing it please put me out of my misery even if you want to be with her I just need to know the truth please". I feel like I'm right on the edge of leaving him and I just need something else to push me over the edge.

You most definitely need to work on your self esteem Try starting with thinks of three things (just three!) that you are proud of about yourself. It could be anything - that you got dressed before 8am, that you passed GCSE Music, that you gave birth to another human being, that you can ride a bike, that your hair is working well today, that you were kind to someone at the bus stop last week - literally anything. Whenever negativity creeps in remember your three things. Tomorrow, see if you can think of another three.

I kind of wish you hadn’t sent him that message - you need to demonstrate how bloody strong you are right now and that you actually don’t need his love, loyalty or credit rating - in fact, you don’t need him. The message you wrote sounds a bit pleading. However, I can’t wait to read his response. I’m guessing it will tell us all we need to know (as if we don’t already know )

I also think that conversation about snapchat being logged out may well have been a smokescreen. He wanted you to take it the way you took it. Manipulative.

Who do you have in your real life support network OP? Family? Close friends? Are you living with family now?

He just said there's no one and this is about me and him. I live with him in a rented house. My friends and family I can talk to but I just don't want to just now.

I messaged him.

Me: Ok you don’t respect me whatsoever you just say you do for arguments sake, you’re still messaging other girls but you can’t give me up because I do so much, you play little mind games that you may or not know you’re doing, why is your Snapchat logged out? Only you could have done it. So that nothing comes up in the night. You think because my confidence is low and I have mental health problems that you can get away with it and make me out to be crazy but I’m not I know what you’re doing. I know there was more than Jen I know you delete conversations on Snapchat but you owe it to me to just tell me so that I can get closure and move on.

Him: I do. I’m not. I don’t. I didn’t. Nope. I don’t. I don’t want to move on

Me: Fine I’ll believe you but please stop putting me through this mental ordeal because I’m putting my foot down and although leaving you would be extremely difficult I know deep down I have the strength.

Him: I know you do. I’m not questioning that.
You’re an amazing mum and I know you’ll do the best.

Me: What’s that supposed to mean?

He’s giving you the green light to leave.

TBH, don’t be a door mat, don’t settle for him, don’t let your daughter grow up thinking it’s acceptable for men to treat you with zero respect.

Yes it’s hard leaving on your own with a baby, I’ve been there. But it’s not impossible to do.

Believe in yourself, I can do this. I am worth more than this

His denials sound vaguely reassuring but his actions are not. Why is he still on snapchat after what happened before? That’s really not the actions of someone who wants to prove he is faithful. One month off the app is not even close to starting to rebuild the trust he broke only 3 months ago.

He should be actively giving you his phone, with all his SM accounts logged in and inviting you to look through them - not asking if you’d been looking at it and you having to lie and say you haven’t because you feel as if you’ve somehow done something wrong.

By the way, just because he didn’t physically cheat on you doesn’t mean he didn’t cheat. He was emotionally cheating and he intended to physically cheat.

I'm such a loser all the time. I still can't drive and I only work for a supermarket

Lots of people don't/can't drive and at least you have a job!

You're far too hard on yourself.

Ad for him, he sounds like a cheater ABC I worry for you that he'll act the same way again (or hasnt really stopped). Whatever you do id making plans for yourself and your child eg where you'd live, childcare, how you'd manage money-wise, what you'd like to do if you don't want to continue with shop work long-term etc. so you are well prepared when you get rid of him.

And not ABC, I have the weirdest autocorrect.

I wanted to go to college but don't know if I'll be able to do any of that. My heads such a mess.

Where are your own family OP? This guy is a total loser who will never make you happy. Like EVER

I just miss the old him and I feel terrible for my daughter and all the hardships to come. I'm so heartbroken it hurts so much I keep saying I can't believe this is my life. Family know what's going but no ones really bothering so don't want to burden them with it. My best friend is being good but I just feel so alone. You guys made me feel really strong earlier but now I can't stop crying again. He said he wants to try but he acts so cold towards me and I say please will you just tell me what I've done to deserve this. And he denies it he'll say I'm not acting nasty.