Apologies for the very long post
I’ve been married to my dh for ten years, together 13 and we have 2 beautiful children. We have been happy for most of that time. On the occasions in the past where our relationship has been tested, it’s been down to him. He hit me on two separate occasions early in the relationship and has texted two other women, these happened a few years apart and he always told me. Anyway on all of these times, I’ve fought hard to keep us together because we are good, we are happy and it works., I’ve buried my feelings of hurt and paranoia and kept the crazy b*tch who festers just below the surface under control for the good of our family. And it worked because for the majority of the time we were happy. We also have quite an open dialogue when it comes to sex and have talked openly to each other about fantasies etc. I told him about my curiosity of other women and he encouraged it, told me it turned him on etc. I never thought much of it but then one night while out, and I was very very drunk (it’s not an excuse, more of a reason as to why I even thought it was ok) a woman made a pass at me and I kissed her and a bit more. I hated it. It felt awful and not at all what I imagined. It lasted no more than a few minutes, that I can remember as I was very very drunk. So drunk in fact that I texted dh to tell him about it. If I had been sober I would have had the sense to realise this could hurt him, but I was a total idiot. This was in the summer, the next day he said it was fine, he understood. I told him I was disgusted with myself and I was sorry. And I was, i put it right out my mind I couldn’t look in the mirror without hating myself.
Anyway over the last few weeks/months I’ve noticed a change in our relationship, he seemed so distant and unhappy, I work long hours and I put it down to us being apart, and was hoping with Xmas coming up, spending some time together would help improve it. But I can’t keep my big gob shut, the week before Xmas I pushed him to open up and tell me what was happening. There’s been a woman in work who he has started a friendship with and I couldn’t help but notice the difference in attitude he had toward her and I was feeling very insecure.
We’ve had a few blazing rows. He finally opened up that what I did in the summer broke his heart in two, that he doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore, that he may have feelings for this woman, and that a few months ago he was so down, so depressed over what I did that he got in the car and started driving towards a very high bridge to kill himself. By chance a song came on that we call DDs song as it was released the week she was born and he pulled off and came home. I knew nothing of this I’ve been so wrapped up in my own guilt and shame and watching him breakdown was the hardest moment of my life. He says the fact that what I did pushed him so low makes a part of him hate me. I just dont understand why he couldn’t have told me from the off that he was hurt, all of it could have been avoided but he says he wanted to be ok with it and bottled it all up.
We’ve talked lots and lots and lots. We are also in a lot of debt that we’ve been doing very well to pay off (especially with my new job) if he left, we would be financially destitute, we would probably both end up back in our parents house which is not where I want to be. I’m the family frick up, I know they love me but I also know they are only heavily involved in my life because of my kids and we need their help with childcare. I do not think they like me very much. We have decided that we are going to give ourselves until the end of March to keep working on us but also to start saving, putting every penny towards paying off the debt we had and building some kind of escape fund. We’re also going to work on rebuilding our friendship. He has been my best friend for 13 years, I have two cousins who are also my friends but I don’t see them enough to unburden myself about this very complicated situation. I feel very very sad and very lonely and isolated. Oh and Cherry on top of this monumental eton mess is that we’re still having sex. We’ve always been very good at that part and I don’t know if it’s helping. I think he feels disappointed with himself after, I see it in his eyes, but I also see rejection in his eyes when I say no I just can’t win. We've tried going cold turkey but we're both crying out for comfort, and a hug always leads to more.
I’m hoping we work through this and stay together but I’m also hoping that if we can’t then in March I can let him leave and keep my dignity in tact and my mental state stable for my kids. His parents divorced and hated each other for years, I never want to be anything like them, they are the most selfish people I’ve ever met.
Is there any hope? Am I clutching at straws here? I’m so confused and I’m so sad when he’s not here and I have no one to turn to, him and the kids are my whole life, and he is is very much in the same position 