ernest dh fully in self destruct mode. What the hell do I do? Apart from sit back and watch??

[ernest]

I guess a lot of peopel are going to be sick of me by now, but I'm really struggling with my dh. I just don't know what to do.

I found out in MArch he'd been having a 6 months affair with a work colleague. That is now over.

Before the affair he was not happy with job, with social life, with weight, with fitness etc etc etc.

He's looking for work, but NOTHING is coming up in Zurich, where we live. I told him I did not want to leave here, but if he really couldn't find anything here, then all I would consider is SE England, as we have family there.

SO yesterday he has an interview (2nd one for same job, so potentially serious) in Milan . Despite the fact I told him I didn't want another 'foreign' move. He's pissed off with me for being negative about it, even tho I am being supportive.

But -

His mum is seriously ill in hospital. She is in intensive care following an op to remove brain tumour last week, followed by 2 more emergency ops to rectify problems (bleed on brain, etc), collapsed lung, you name it. She's very very ill and he's rushing back to UK every weekend to see her and stressed to the hilt about her, naturally.

At some point during the affair he started smoking. He promised he'd stop in April. He's still smoking, in fact even more. He says he won't then he goes out and buys another pack. He's now got I kid not, 5 half smoked packs PLUS 6 packs of rolling tobacco o the go. I'm now anticipating the day we have to sit and tell our boys he's got cancer

He's really over wheight and wants to loose, but he eats all his meals out of the house except at weekend of course, so pretty much out of my control, or rather, I'm not in a position to help him

He wants to take more exercise, but is out at 7 abd back at 8 so little opportunity.

When he goes out, he really drinks excessivly. eg a couple of glasses of wine and 6 or 8 beers.

He's obv. having a lot of stress couple with mid life crisis. He even said he was thinking of getting a tattoo

I am just so worried about him.

But what can I do apart from sit back and watch him self destruct?

Could you do couples counselling? He may go for this more than go see someone by himself. He does sound lost. Good luck Ernest. I am sorry this is dragging on and on.

Ernest, you obviously care about him very much. Very hard position for you to be in.

Sorry, no advice, but didn't want to ignore you.

I don't know if I can help but reading your OP all I can say is your DH is under an awful lot of stress at the moment. His work is not going how he wants and jobs do mean so much to men - the "hunter/gatherer" instinct and being able to provide for the family. Add to that his mother is at deaths door.

When my life gets really unbearable I do resort to the fags. It is temporary and I do stop once the crisis is over. It's not good but it is my coping mechanism.

I can see that it looks very bleak from where you are sitting and I would not want to be in your shoes but I think this is a "for better for worse" moment. The job will resolve itself - as will his mother and then it is time to start building up your relationship again and supporting him towards a better lifestyle but don't ask too much of the man too early.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this Ernest, I really am but, i personally think you have to take a step back. You are soaking up all your DH's self destructive problems like a sponge and I worry that this is really going to bring you down. There will be a point when your DH pulls himself together and sorts himself out but, when he does, where will you be? In the midst of a mental breakdown most probably!

You can support him, you can be there for him, but you alone cannot 'make him' feel better about anything, he has to do that for himself.

I know it's difficult but, you really do have to remember to take care of yourself and focus on your own needs too.

And no way is anyone on here ever going to be sick of hearing from you

is there any way you can get him to just stop for a while, just to let the mad whirl he's in go on without him for a bit? He may need to step outside himself to see what he's doing to himself and to you. Problem being that in these situations you just can't see that the things you think are helping you through aren't helping at all. He'll resist like crazy but if you can force a situation where he can't help but sit still it may really help (for me its the hairdresser as there's nothing else you can do while there but that may not tick the manly box).

Alternatively what about getting him a session with a life coach? position it more as a career/job thing rather than a counselling thing?

don't forget you in all this. you've had a hellish lot to contend with too.

Hi Ernest. Am e-mailing you.

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hi ernest, totally understand your concerns about DH. also totally empathise with "taking on" their problems, to a point.

i think Timeforme has a valid point, you can't force him to change any of his behaviours and getting stressed about it won't help you or the DC.

he does have a huge amount on his plate whilst still dealing with the fall out from the affair (not that i'm excusing his indescretion).

long term the weight, fags and booze things will be a problem and a danger to his health. short-term, is it really so bad? can you step back a bit and ignore it until things are a bit more settled?

is he desperate for the Milan job as an escape route away from the country and thus the memory of the affair?

if you really really don't want to move to Milan (and I totally understand that), then he does need to accept that and respect your wishes. how would you feel if he said he would go anyway? would you go with him for the relationship or would you split up?

dealing with his mother's illness must be dreadful for you both. constantly travelling back and forth is an added complication you could do without.

but, there really is nothing you can do about that one until she starts to recover.

in terms of the bigger picture and priorities i would say concentrate on his mother and supporting him with that for now.

forget the fags, food and booze (unless is special brew at 6am!!) for now.

he hasn't been offered the job as yet, discuss and decide if he does.

look after yourself in all of this. it's shit timing and we all handle stress differently but you deserve to have your needs met too.

Ernest so sorry to see you still having a tough time.
I agre with some others though and think maybe leave the smoking thing for a bit.He has to want to stop himself and believe me nop amount of pressure from you will change that, it just makes you more stressed as you feel you aren't getting anywhere.
He is having a stressful time with his mum and tbh if the odd cigarette helps him through it then i would be inclined to let that go for now.
As for the job , why are you so against a move elsewhere ? Would it not help to make a fresh start away from the ow and everything you have been through this year ?
It's totally understandable to be worried about him but you can't change his weight or make him stop smoking or find him a new job.
He is obviously going to be very down at the moment , but so are you you just need to be strong for each other at the moment and offer yous support as best you can. I hope you can get through this i really do.

just posting to say how tough it sounds for you atm. wish i had something else more helpful to say.

no, I was the one that asked if we could come here (worked for swiss bank in LOndon) I was 6 months pg with ds2 when we moved. It was the best thing we did, at my instigation. I love it here.

I'm honestly not nagging him about the fags as I know it's counter productive. It's he himself who brings it up saying stuff like, he doesn't want to smoke, and he'll stop next week. Then he know's he's said last week, but he just couldn't help it, but that's def it, no more, etc etc.

Same about weight. He puts on his clothes. They're too tight, he moans about his weight. I haven't mentioned it as such. I was trying to help by getting up and making him a smoothy to drink on train, or sarnies or something, as he'll rinfg sometimes and say it's got to 2pm and still not had a chance to eat anything. (then I found out he was sectretly meeting ow for breakfast, so not done it for a while...)

I also haven't commented on his drinking, but he comes in totally pissed (last time he missed his stop nad only realised when the German border police marched through the train & he's sat there no ticket, no passport....)

He's overweight but hs's not tall, he's only 5'6" and weighs 78 kilos. That's about 5 kilos more in just the last few months. He is the one who complains about it. He is unhappy about it but going in the wrong direction.

I do exercise, he'll happily go for long bike rides at weekend (say 30 k) but that's just 1 a week, plus with his mum, he's not been able to go last 2 or 3, but I have encouraged him to do this.

I'm not saying anything as I don't want to add already to his problems, but I am getting more and more worried about him. He's also terrified his sister will loose her baby due to the stress of mil being so ill, she's already a couple of days ago had to go into hospital with ains and the baby's heart rate was speeding much too fast so they kept her in. SHe's due in 3 weeks, so there's lots of stress. I don't want to say anything and make it worse but at the same time I'm finding it heart breaking watching him struggling with so many things and don't know how to help. Hence my op really. Or is there really nothing I can do but wait, hope he doesn't get cancer/have a heart attack (runs inhis fmaily)/ have another affair/ get a bloody job in Timbuktoo

OK, i may get slapped down for this and i apologise in advance if what i say upsets anyone but....

Men are not carbon copies of us. They don't feel or think the same way as us ladies so, what we might think as 'helpful, caring suggestions' often reach his ears as critism. He feels that we feel he is not doing his best, that he is failing and that we think we know best This in turn brings out his defensive side and low and behold a great rift appears and the only place we are united is in arguments!

Then, along comes the 'friendly ear' could be a colleague, a woman in a bar watching him drown his sorrows, anyone will do. But the 'friendly ear' just listens when he talks, pats his arm in sympathy, nods her head in all the right places and suddenly, he has found a woman who 'understands him', 'knows what he is going through' blah, blah, blah. I'm sure we have all heard it.

And just as suddenly, the loving wife, the one who has supported him and tried to help him with his problems, in fact, solve them all for him, is dumped!!!

I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, it probably is but, it is also true.
Be his wife, be his lover but, do not be his mother!
Listen when he wants to talk, let him know you are there for him whenever, if ever but don't smother him in an effort to take his problems away for him. He has to do that for himself. Believe me, he will be more than capable of doing so.
He can fight his own battles and stand on his won two feet.

I have yet to see a man who has either left his wife or been kicked out by his wife fail to thrive. So give him the space to thrive within the relationship.

Lecture over >

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Yes, he moans and complains about it all but 'tis Ernest on here asking how she can 'help' him.

You can't!! He has to do it for himself!!

You go get your hair done, put on some lippy buy him a bottle of beer and a bag of crisps and tell him he's babysitting, you're off out

Re the move I told him I genuinly hope he gets the job. It does sound like a fantastic opportunity. I know he'll be gutted if he didn't get it.

I'm against another foreign move, becasue mainly for the boys. They've already had to move here and learn a new language. It was tough. It was hard getting negative reports from Kindergarten about them being unable to join in with the other kids, them coming home crying cos they couldn't play/understand/ getting picked on and not being able to deal with it. Now they're fluent. So if we move to Italy, we have 2 choices.

1. International school. But will hs company pay the £45 pa school fees, cos we can't. And if they did, it would be limited to say 2 years. Then what? Bloody move again or tell the kids, sorry, now you'v got to do the whole new langauge this.

2. Send them to Italian school and they have to start all over again.

And they'd be in the same position at home, not being able to go out and play wit the other kids. We've gone throguh it once and it was hard. I just don't want to have to do it again. And he'd be at work all hours, I'd be the one being treated like an idiot cos I can't speak a word of Italian as I try to sort out the phone, shopping, bills etc etc.

I know that's jumping the gun. He might not get it, but a few have asked why not. That's why not & that's believe me the tip of the ice burg.

BUT I have told him I will consider it, my suggestion being that for the 1st few month he go alone & we visit him at weekends, thus getting to know the city. Ds2 nearly 7 still hasn't started school, so I'd like him to at least have a few months learning to read and write and do some basic maths in a familiar setting before he gets chucked in another school looking like an illiterate fool, poor sod. Then after eg 6 months we'd move over, assuming I don't totally hate it.

I was prepared to move. But the 'fresh start' has so many advatages, but only for him, and jst feels like I'm being punished more for his affair.

"I have yet to see a man who has either left his wife or been kicked out by his wife fail to thrive. So give him the space to thrive within the relationship"

Srry crap this IMO most do not do well went to funeral of friend of (D)H last year in his 40's whose wife kicked him out for various reasons - drank himself to death within a year...
Are you somehow implying that it is out fault that out husbands are unhappy again we are back to this woman must make the effort to be good wives and men can do what they want???

Ernest you can't fix him hon not at the cost to yourself

Do you work Ernest?

If I were you I would

a.) Leave him to self destruct

b.) Get a job

It makes it really hard, though, when one partner permuits themselves to have a mid-life crisis even though there is a family to be kept running- the other partner is left to pick up all the pieces and keep everything under control for the sake of the kids. And it is doubly hard when you live abroad and there is no-one to help. When one partner is mentally and physically absent, even the smallest chores can become a huge hurdle for the other, let alone coping with the emotional shit.
My way of coping in the past has been to concentrate on myself and the kids- not in a selfish way- but by contacting people I can talk to to find the necessary strengh to carry on, and ensure that at least one parent is present until the other has come through his black moment.
Ernest, feel free to contact me any time. I have e-mailed you.

I find myself agreeing with moondog.
Ernest, you can't really help him as such, but you can be there for him if you want to. Or not, as the case may be.

If I were in your position, I would start looking for a job close to my family.

If only you all knew how difficult it is to get a job in this darn country!

I was looking for work, but as I might be moving to Milan/Kuala Lumpur/Iceland/the moon at any moment, I've decided to wait and see.

And having 3 kids at home and being in a foreign country makes it much more complicated than in Uk, really. Immeasurably.

But honestly beleiev me. I'm not sitting here nagging him about his weight/health/smoking/drinking/mid life crisis. i am at present watching, biting my lip & not doing anything other than providing good food when he is here to eat it and encouraging him to to to London/bike rides etc as appropriate.

Macdoodle. Where on earth do you read in my post that I am implying that it is the womans fault for kicking them out!

Are you saying it was the fault of your friends wife that he drank himself to death because she kicked him out?

Men are not inacapable of dealing with thier own problems. Thats what i'm saying.

ernest so sorry to hear this.

(and MN would never be sick of you! it's here so you can get help and advice whenever you need it!)

it really does look like he is in self destruct mode. I have to agree with other posters who say it is only him who can sort this and only him who can help himself.

Next time he moans about his weight ask him what he's going to do about it!

With MIL so ill, SIL due any day, and the aftermath of the affair, you are both living through hell. I do think you are forgetting what he has put you through, because yet again he is coming across as the needy one and you are holding everything together.

Take a step back and think of you. Let him smoke (for now). Let him drink/eat as much as he wants. These can be sorted soon enough but they are battles that you just can't fight and you have no control over.

If I were you I would be thinking most about the possible move. You've had reservations about this all along. He almost left you and the boys after the affair. He is in self destruct mode and really, you cannot rely on him at this moment in time. What happens if you move to Milan, leave the place you love, uproot and unsettle your children, and his 'self destructing' gets worse??
Please think about you and the children and do not agree to anything that you are uneasy or unhappy with.

Be there to support him. Be a shoulder to cry on. Be the loving wife you are.
But IMHO, do not sacrifice your future happiness for him under the current circumstances. Let him pull himself out of this. Let him prove to you he can be trusted again. Then, and only then, would I consider a major life change and a move to Italy

xx