ernest dh fully in self destruct mode. What the hell do I do? Apart from sit back and watch??

[ernest]

I guess a lot of peopel are going to be sick of me by now, but I'm really struggling with my dh. I just don't know what to do.

I found out in MArch he'd been having a 6 months affair with a work colleague. That is now over.

Before the affair he was not happy with job, with social life, with weight, with fitness etc etc etc.

He's looking for work, but NOTHING is coming up in Zurich, where we live. I told him I did not want to leave here, but if he really couldn't find anything here, then all I would consider is SE England, as we have family there.

SO yesterday he has an interview (2nd one for same job, so potentially serious) in Milan . Despite the fact I told him I didn't want another 'foreign' move. He's pissed off with me for being negative about it, even tho I am being supportive.

But -

His mum is seriously ill in hospital. She is in intensive care following an op to remove brain tumour last week, followed by 2 more emergency ops to rectify problems (bleed on brain, etc), collapsed lung, you name it. She's very very ill and he's rushing back to UK every weekend to see her and stressed to the hilt about her, naturally.

At some point during the affair he started smoking. He promised he'd stop in April. He's still smoking, in fact even more. He says he won't then he goes out and buys another pack. He's now got I kid not, 5 half smoked packs PLUS 6 packs of rolling tobacco o the go. I'm now anticipating the day we have to sit and tell our boys he's got cancer

He's really over wheight and wants to loose, but he eats all his meals out of the house except at weekend of course, so pretty much out of my control, or rather, I'm not in a position to help him

He wants to take more exercise, but is out at 7 abd back at 8 so little opportunity.

When he goes out, he really drinks excessivly. eg a couple of glasses of wine and 6 or 8 beers.

He's obv. having a lot of stress couple with mid life crisis. He even said he was thinking of getting a tattoo

I am just so worried about him.

But what can I do apart from sit back and watch him self destruct?

I actually meant looking for a job back in the UK .... would he go back to the UK if you had a job there?

Ernest has he looked for a job in the uk ? I can understand your reservations about the move as you say it's the dc's who will struggle most and as MLS said are you strong enough as a couple to make that transition yet ?

Message withdrawn

Ernest are you ok?

am ok ta. mil a bit worses (tho hard to see how it can get much worse) she's now got chest infection & temp. we were told last week that 'at least she hasn't got an infection, her body wouldn't be able to tolerate it' not she's got one & we're told it's just a slight setback??
Poor sil I offered to come over & try & find someone to look after my 3 boys to help her (she's still not even got cot, as neever in to take deoivery etc) she's been told she can't bring baby on ward, so once she does have it she'll hardly even be able to visit her mum. It's such a mess.

As for dh, he happily regailed how much booze he nocked back on the train from milan. I smiled sweetly, trying to deicide if we'd be visiting his bedsie in the liver failure or lung cancer or heart attack ward. Went into zurich yesterday with the boys, ds1 finally a bit better. Agreed we'd meet up, he was late, we were cold and pissed off but the time he turned up. Not a good evening, tho strangely as soon as we were back home everyone cheered up. So why do I bloody bother? Seems logical, he's in town, we're in town. We should meet up. Never again.

I know a few people who have lived in Milan and apparently it's a difficult city to bring up a family in. If he does get the job in Milan would you consider moving the family back to the UK to live? You could go out to him during the school holidays and he could come to the UK at the weekends. It sounds as though he's spending a lot of his weekends in the UK anyway at the moment.

ernest, this may not be the most helpful thing to hear at the moment.

It sounds as though he is heaping all of this on you so that he doesn't have to deal with it. Yes his mum will weigh on his mind a lot. She's weighing on your mind too, as are the children, all his problems and the possible upheaval to Milan.

Is it at all possible for you to come up with an alternative plan for you and the children and make HIM fit in with YOU and the children?

Life sucks sometimes but we just have to get on with it. He seems to be shutting it all out of projecting it onto you. Tell him you don't want to hear about his drinking or his smoking, it's up to him whether he stops or doesn't stop but you don't want to hear about it anymore.

the guy that interviewd him yesterday sent e-mail to headhunter saying it went very well...... yikes

he's now talking about working in the London office and staying with his sister for a week or 2, as then he can visit his mum (hospital near office) and support sister.

I suggested that 3 weeks ago, but was poo pood.

but maybe you planted a little sub-conscious seed at the back of his mind, ernest?

maybe he just wanted to feel like he's making the decision himself. I do it all the time, it drives DW mad!

DH lost his father almost 3 years ago, and it had much the same effect as your MIL's ill-health appear to be having on your DH.

My DH had smoked for years, but after losing his dad he went into overdrive. Smoked like a chimney, and drank plenty, but it was more to numb himself than to self-destruct. One day he woke up and realised that he had just lost his 58 year-old father from a sudden heart attack brought about, no doubt from too much smoking and drinking. And that was it. No more fags. Just like that. It does happen, so take heart. I know it's hard to stand by and watch and I also know (too well) the uncertainties of life when they are decided by a man who can just keep re-locating his family as he pursues his career. That is more difficult, and I can't offer any advice on that because it is continually happening to me too, and I just keep going along with him, to my own detriment. Happy Daddy speaks sense - sow seeds in his mind, and then let him think they were his idea!