Ds and absent father

[Vexedbex]

Apologies if this posts twice as seems to have disappeared so typing out again.

Name changed and a few details altered slightly.

Ds (4) was unplanned. I was on the pill, ex refused to use condoms, refused to have a vasectomy even though he was adamant he didn't want anymore kids (he had an adult dc from a one night stand, and a now adult (just turned 18) dc from his marriage). I'd already ended the relationship when I found out I was pregnant so it was a massive shock to us both. He wanted me to get an abortion, called me selfish, talked of suicide, said another child would ruin him financially, you get the idea. Ds was very much wanted by me although a huge shock at first and is a lovely addition to our family and I have other dc who adore him.

I informed my ex of the birth and sent photos at regular intervals but had no response so I gave up for a while. Then when ds was one I arranged to visit his dad and travelled the 100 miles by train, booked into a hotel and spent a few hours in his home city with him. We went our separate ways early evening and he said he'd like me to visit again so that his middle ds could meet LO. The next day I asked about meeting up again before we headed home but he had plans gaming with mates and said no. I never heard from him again.

Ds has started to ask questions about his dad and I don't know what to say. He knows he lives far away and knows his name and that he has a brother but that's as far as I've got. He's only just four so skips from topic to topic quickly (thankfully). His brothers mum (my ex's ex wife) sends presents every year but my ex had never sent so much as a birthday card. His ex wife is lovely and I appreciate her kindness towards my ds but it highlights the lack of contact from his dad. His other brother has never been in touch but has my number and other contact details. Makes me sad.

Ds asked me to phone his dad and ask him to visit us. I didn't know what to say. I know he wouldn't visit as would cite no money. That was his reason for not seeing him ever. He claimed it would be easier never to see him than only see him occasionally. Sounded like a cop out to me. I'm pretty sure he'd agree to meet up if I offered to go there but it was always me who visited him and I feel he should make the effort to see his son. I think he only met up last time as was no effort on his part except to catch a bus. And he was still nearly an hour late

He does pay the csa rate of maintenance (probably of little relevance but posters always ask on threads about absent fathers).

I don't know what to say to my son. His father never wanted him and has never made any effort in seeing him or even keeping in touch. He didn't even acknowledge his birth ffs.

What would you say/do?

It’s so tricky isn’t it. I was in a similar situation but my daughter’s absent Dad has also somehow managed to avoid paying maintenance ever, and my daughter is now 18!!

Anyway, when she was that young, I just made stuff up, like he’s away working, too busy to visit etc. At that age they don’t really remember or care about the answer, as long as you give them one. My situation is different as her father was violent and was arrested due to domestic violence. When my daughter was older I told her (in appropriate language) and she’s formed her own opinion over the years, and now at 18, has absolutely no interest in knowing him. It has been hard though, and she suffered from very low self esteem for many years (which may or may not have been a result of feeling rejection).

No advice to give but I’m following this thread with interest as my ex hasn’t even met our planned baby and she’s 3 months now. He wants to see her but only if I agree to taking him back which I’ve refused so many times.

He thinks it’s harmless to be able to dip in and out of her life because she’s so young which I’m not ok with. Yes she will probably never remember but I don’t want her to develop a bond with him not for him to abandon her again.

It must be so hard fending off the questions and you’re both admirable for being so kind about their absent fathers.

Remind your dc that their df doesn't know them as he wasn't up to the job of dfhood, he hasn't snubbed them personally as he has no idea how amazing /fantastic they are.
Say one day when they are adults that can ask him why he was such a let down, until then they have you and you love them enough for 2 dps!

It makes me so sad reading these types of posts especially when the child is asking questions. I will never understand the mentality of people who decide to have no contact with their child/grandchild. In this case i would perhaps leave the door open for his father and family to make contact but I wouldn't try and make it happen. Try and explain to him that his father lives far away and just try and expand on questions from him what his dad is like, in a positive light. It sounds like he is in a loving family on your side however so that's the main thing.

Better to have a disappointing father than an absent and idealised version.

I'd go for it and get in touch. If his father doesn't answer or says he'll come and doesn't deliver on the promise, then he may be upset but it will be a true reflection of his father. If you don't get in touch at all, he could blame you for not having gotten in touch, and paint an unrealistic and idealised picture of his absent father.

It's worse to have a father that comes back and disappears for months/years!

You need to tell him the truth but in a child friendly way. My DD is 3 and knows her daddy lives far away and mummy and daddy don't get on, that's it for now. She calls me her daddy.

Do you have any pictures of your ex to show him?

Personally I
would be honest. After just watching what happened
with a family member. She was very wary about hurting her son so never said a bad word about his absent father. Then his father showed up
when he was a teen and as my family member was not honest (always tried to paint his dad in a good
light) when he showed up he told the son that his mum had stopped him
(which wasnt true) son now
hates his mum.

My childrens dad is absent and I just tell them that he doesnt want to be a dad.

Yeah good point. Best cover your end by explaining that it was father's choice to live so far away and that you have told the father he exists and where he can find you, in a child friendly manner of words obviously.

Thanks for the replies. Next time he asks I'll tell him a bit more. I've got photos of him and us together and a collection of memories of our time together specifically to show him when older. My older dc have met him a few times both before we got together and once together. He's someone I've known for nearly 30 years which is a long time.
When he was born I messaged his grandad who I know, and grandmother who I'd never met. No response from either. My ex has several siblings and close family. No contact at all. I dread to think what he's told them.probably how I've ruined his life by having his baby. I think he resents me because he has to pay maintenance.

I'll maybe write to him and see if he replies. Whenever I've phoned he's been all happy to chat but no interest in ds. And like I said, if I suggested visiting him he'd be fine with that as it requires no effort on his part.
After our last meet up I wrote to him and asked about what he wanted regarding ds and he didn't reply. So I'm reluctant to open things up again.

I wouldn't open it up again with trying with contacting the dad. I think it will end up with you and ds getting upset. Just leave the door open for them in their own time however. It looks like the family have made a conscious joint decision to back the dad and his choice to have nothing to do with your boy. It's their choice I suppose but not one I understand myself.

I feel really conflicted over it.

What is your drive to make another attempt at contact op?

@redfruitgum I guess because ds is asking and I don't want to be in a position years down the line of being accused of not allowing him to see him. I'm glad I don't have to share him in any way like I do my older dc and I'm proud of bringing him up by myself. He's an amazing little boy who's very loving, affectionate, bright, funny, sociable and happy.

I think if you are open at an early stage about who his father is and what he is like, that he lives far away, and then when he gets older explain how you made attempts to bring his dad and family into his life, in combination that he will know you raised him by yourself then you will naturally guard against any potential comebacks on you. Your family, the prople who love him and who is familiar with will totally back you up should the issue ever arrise. I know it's sad having him asking, but it's only natural for him. I wouldn't be overly concerned. Does he have an uncle or grandad who can in effect take on the fatherly influence on him?

No male role models at all. There's just me, my 3 children, and my mum. I'm NC with the rest of my family. Relationships are not my strong point!

Does ds have an older brother?

No. Sisters. Well, two older brothers he doesn't see on his dad's side, both adults (18 and 25).

OK. I don't think it's the end of the world but ideally he would have some sort of male role model in his life. He's going to be loved and adored by you and his sisters so I think he will be fine.

I suspect someone on the dad's family their curiosity in time will get the better of them and will perhaps make contact one day.

Thanks red. He did have my then best friend as a male role model and father figure but as I said, relationships aren't my strong point and he proved to be totally unsuitable and we aren't friends anymore.
Ds is very much loved and was a very welcome surprise for me. We have such a close bond and I'm so lucky to have him.

It makes it more difficult that his ex wife sends presents as it forces things to the surface and then there's questions of I have a brother but I've never met him. Why? The answer to that being his mum tried and he wouldn't visit. Years have passed and he's now an adult and I doubt he will ever get in touch.

Maybe you could phrase the invite so it's on your own terms? You don't want to go chasing all over the country, obviously. But you could extend and invitation to come and visit you near your house and see what he says.

I totally get why you feel funny about it and I don't see why you should be the one doing all the hard work while he is just flakey. But I do think that giving him the chance to potentially be flakey and show his true colours is ultimately in your son's best interests.

@MotherOfDragonite yes, you're right. I maybe need to give him a chance now ds is old enough to ask to see him and see what he says.

Op I've never been in your position and it must be awful as a mum to watch your little boy crying out for his dad and him not being interested. I have worked with families in similar situations though and I would be honest with your boy- eg. It's a big and important job being a mum and dad and some people aren't responsible enough to do it. Maybe in the future his dad will try and make contact of his own back. There are books available that may help , about absent fathers but also more general different family type things.
Only you know what your child can understand and the best way to put it. Does your child go to school? If so sometimes they have play therapists that come in that could help him to explore his feelings in a child friendly way. Good luck!

He's not crying out for him. He's just asking about him. I think he thought he didn't have a dad until recently because he doesn't remember meeting him and his sisters visit their dad regularly. It came as a surprise that he had one. He's at nursery so is seeing lots of dads dropping g off and collecting and is naturally curious. I refuse to lie to my children so have kept things as minimal as possible. He's only just 4 so I can get away with simple for the time being.

I'm going to sleep on it some more but will probably write to my ex and let him know ds is asking about him and to see him and let him come up with a plan (if anything at all).

I really loved my ex. It makes me so sad to think that he can't (won't?) allow his son a relationship with him. I don't even think of ds as his son to be honest. I don't think he deserves the title of daddy. But I'll do my best for ds and see what the future brings.