Ds and absent father

[Vexedbex]

Apologies if this posts twice as seems to have disappeared so typing out again.

Name changed and a few details altered slightly.

Ds (4) was unplanned. I was on the pill, ex refused to use condoms, refused to have a vasectomy even though he was adamant he didn't want anymore kids (he had an adult dc from a one night stand, and a now adult (just turned 18) dc from his marriage). I'd already ended the relationship when I found out I was pregnant so it was a massive shock to us both. He wanted me to get an abortion, called me selfish, talked of suicide, said another child would ruin him financially, you get the idea. Ds was very much wanted by me although a huge shock at first and is a lovely addition to our family and I have other dc who adore him.

I informed my ex of the birth and sent photos at regular intervals but had no response so I gave up for a while. Then when ds was one I arranged to visit his dad and travelled the 100 miles by train, booked into a hotel and spent a few hours in his home city with him. We went our separate ways early evening and he said he'd like me to visit again so that his middle ds could meet LO. The next day I asked about meeting up again before we headed home but he had plans gaming with mates and said no. I never heard from him again.

Ds has started to ask questions about his dad and I don't know what to say. He knows he lives far away and knows his name and that he has a brother but that's as far as I've got. He's only just four so skips from topic to topic quickly (thankfully). His brothers mum (my ex's ex wife) sends presents every year but my ex had never sent so much as a birthday card. His ex wife is lovely and I appreciate her kindness towards my ds but it highlights the lack of contact from his dad. His other brother has never been in touch but has my number and other contact details. Makes me sad.

Ds asked me to phone his dad and ask him to visit us. I didn't know what to say. I know he wouldn't visit as would cite no money. That was his reason for not seeing him ever. He claimed it would be easier never to see him than only see him occasionally. Sounded like a cop out to me. I'm pretty sure he'd agree to meet up if I offered to go there but it was always me who visited him and I feel he should make the effort to see his son. I think he only met up last time as was no effort on his part except to catch a bus. And he was still nearly an hour late

He does pay the csa rate of maintenance (probably of little relevance but posters always ask on threads about absent fathers).

I don't know what to say to my son. His father never wanted him and has never made any effort in seeing him or even keeping in touch. He didn't even acknowledge his birth ffs.

What would you say/do?

Sorry OP wrong colloquial turn of phrase, I didn't mean literally crying out for him- more seeking his dad (his idea of a dad). You sound like you're doing the right thing and will do whatever is in the best interests of your little boy. A letter sounds like a good way to go. Good luck.

Thanks.
Sleeping on it hasn't helped Ds hasn't mentioned him for a few days so will see if he asks again. I'm reluctant to open it up again and for ds to be hurt because he's too young to understand that some dad's don't care
I went to see my ex even pregnant and his answer to anything was "I don't know." He fought for custody of his middle son so I really don't understand how he can be totally absent from ds's life to the point of not even a birthday or Christmas card.

I'm the same Vex. My DD is 3 and her hasn't been involved for 2 years. In the time if I did reach out he was adamant he didn't want to be involved. I won't ask again, if I were you I probably wouldn't either. The stress it brings isn't worth it and hopefully your son may only ask about him every now and then.

@calmsealife it's an emotive time of year and I find it difficult every year. Ds's birthday is close to Christmas so that makes it harder too.
I'll never understand parents who don't want to be part of their children's lives. I hate my other dc going to they'd dad's and ds hates it too. It's not how things were meant to be and I hate missing out on their childhood even if just a few days of the holidays and EOW. So I can't imagine why anyone would willingly miss out.
People often say my ex might change his mind when ds is older but he's well over the baby stage now and I'd be very reluctant to let him waltz in and start a relationship. But then ds has a right to a relationship. It's so bloody hard.
I hope you find some peace with your situation too.

I was going to email today but can't do it. If he did agree to see him, I know it would be months or years before he saw him again, if at all. I can't do that to my little boy now that he'll remember. He has an amazing memory and remembers things from when he was only 2 so would definitely remember his dad if he saw him again. He was only 1 when he saw him the first and only time and doesn't remember. He also wasn't told he was his dad, I just used his first name and my ex didn't correct me.
I'll show him some pictures maybe when he mentions him again. I have to be careful not to mention that his sisters have met him and his brothers several times as this would hurt him. Yes it was before he was born but still. They didn't like his dad. Too stern and miserable

Be honest appropriate to his age. When Ex decided to reduce contact to thrice yearly video messages, I let DD know that some people don’t want the responsibility of being a parent, which says more about them than it does about the children they choose not to see. He has since excitedly announced he’s having another child which inevitably has resulted in more questions. I’ve just said that unfortunately a ‘do over’ family isn’t uncommon for some men to want.

It’s hard to read DD but I think she reluctantly accepts that her father is someone she loves but who isn’t someone who loves her in the same way. It has taken years and a lot of tears to get to this point.

I took the bull by the horns and messaged him. He's thinking, apparently

He shouldn't have to think about it! I'm angry for you. It doesn't sound good. I'll never ask again.

Yeah. Thinking so he doesn't say the wrong thing. Which translates as "you're going to tell our son at some point what I've said and I don't want him to think Im a total shit so I've got to be careful what I say." I'm not sure how I can cover up the fact he didn't want him, has only seen him once, and has no interest in seeing him again.
In my message I told him that ds had asked him to come and see him and what should I tell him. Not sure how much thought that requires.

Exactly, though. You're giving him the chance to show he's a shit, which is better than your son thinking that it was your fault in some way!

Well done on making contact, that must have been tough.

Theres some good advice here
www.singleparents.org.uk/parenting/parenting-alone/Talking-to-your-child-about-an-absent-parent

I would definitely echo don't slag off your ex, because even if he never makes contact the child is left thinking "but I'm from him, so am I a useless shit just like my dad?"

You just have to be honest (age appropriate) and expand the answers as he gets older. It is very hard to learn that your father does not love you, but far better to realise this from the outset than being misled. Print out messages to and from his Dad, so that you can provide proof later that you tried, and that this was his Dad's response.

He knows that his Mum and his sisters love him, and that's what counts.

It's very sad, but it's not your fault and you can't fix it. DS will need reminding that it's not his fault, either.

Thanks. Am just going to take his response as he's not interested at all and probably won't be in touch any time soon. LO won't know any different but at least I'll have tried.

I feel pretty angry right now. I have the most beautiful boy and he has no idea what he even looks like, doesn't know anything about him. He didn't even ask me anything about him in his brief reply. How can anyone be so shit

The reality for him is that he was silly not using his own contraception when he didn't want a child. Once pregnant he had no say but clearly wasn't going to play a good parent as he didn't want a child.

I do believe in honesty for children, it helps them deal with things better in the long run. He just needs a child friendly version of the truth.

@TheBigBangRocks he refused to use condoms. I wish I'd had mumsnet back then as would have known so much more about how crap men operate. He said they dulled the sensation and as he suffered from ED and struggled to climax then it seemed fair enough at the time. I know better now. I also know that his sexual problems were a result of death grip and he couldn't get to sleep at night without an orgasm

I've still not heard from him

he refused to use condoms

Then I'd have refused to sleep with him. It's not just pregnancy but STIs etc.

We used them the first few times and then I went on the pill. I was stupid I know. He was the kind of guy that would have been very offended if I'd mentioned STIs. He'd not had a relationship since his marriage and I was vulnerable, my marriage having just ended, and another major life trauma, and I honestly look back at that time and think wtf was I doing. I genuinely thought he loved me as it wasn't the first time we'd been together and he told me he'd always loved me, it had always been me etc. I know, I know However I have no regrets as I have my beautiful boy.

He's evidently still thinking...

It's been a week now and I've not heard anything. I don't believe for one second that he needs to think this much.
I think he will always resent me for getting pregnant and having to pay maintenance.
I'm just giving up now. I tried. I can look my ds in the eye and tell him I did my best.

"I can look my ds in the eye and tell him I did my best."

This!

And you know, you have done. You will be the parent who made an effort and tried. He will be the parent who never replied and never showed up. It's a bit shit but ultimately it reflects your reality and will mean your son can't idolise his absent father or blame you for his absence.

Personally I found it useful to google stuff about adoption (eg "explaining adoption to a child") to help me craft more of a narrative around our family life and prepare myself for the difficult questions I felt might be coming. A lot of thought goes into that sort of advice and I found it very helpful for my situation too although it was different.

That's a good idea, I'll have a google of that myself.

His ex wife has messaged me this morning explaining that he has bad mouthed me to their son. She has no time for him at all and sees him as a very negative influence on their son. This explains why their son has never wanted to meet his brother. I'm angry that he's portrayed me in such a way that he is not able to meet his brother because of me. What kind of father does that?

I'm done waiting. He can fuck off. If my ds asks to see him himself when he's older he can explain his absence then. I've done what I can.
Thanks all for your support

Just to update: he never got back to me. It's been a month and nothing. I've emailed him to say I won't contact him again and it's up to him if he wants to get in touch in the future.