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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The mental load is always left to me- I’m sick of it

37 replies

Goodmum1234 · 27/12/2018 20:23

Feel a bit of a fraud on here after reading the disgusting way some of you are treated but I need to ask your honest opinions as I have no one else impartial to talk to. I hope that’s ok
Married 10 years, 2 young children. To everyone else we look like we’re living the dream. However, since my first born I’ve had mh issues but overcome these with regular cbt. Occasionally suicidal thoughts but thoughts only.
I and he work ft. He is kind, caring and never abusive....he adores me and the children. But he is lazy, laid back and let’s me do everything unless asked.

This has gone on for years but I’m feeling really angry now. Our sex life is non-existent (it’s been more than a year, and only once and we have a four year old),
I resent carrying the mental load all the time. I sometimes feel like I’m going to have a breakdown and feel that I hate him but then I wonder if it’s my mental health. I’m snappy, sometimes sharp with him and maybe border on being emotionally abusive towards him. Often passive aggressive.
He works hard but will sit all
Night watching Netflix, iPad, eating (he’s massively overweight as am l now Blush
I sort holidays, finances, school bags, payments, rubbish bins, dishwasher,
We’ve had a mouse. I’m frightened to death, he said he’d put traps down a week ago but hasn’t. I’m seething inside. It’s just yet another thing.
We have an old banger to sell. Been sat on drive for three years.
A cheque needs paying into bank, been sat there 4 months. I could go on.....
I mention stuff over and over but unless I lose it he doesn’t do anything.
Please, what do I do? Close friends have said split up but on what grounds? Laziness? Don’t fancy him as he’s lazy and I’m resentful?

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 27/12/2018 20:24

Thank you for reading such a long post

OP posts:
jellymaker · 27/12/2018 20:27

He sounds like a man child. Could you just stop doing stuff and wait for him to notice? How about going away for the weekend with some friends?

Dontknowwhatwillmakeitbetter · 27/12/2018 20:35

I understand. I have similar situation. Although I am a SAHM to a 7, 5 and 1 yr old. Yes I know I should do majority of housework washing etc etc. That’s totally fine. But it’s the mental load of finances, future school decisions, all bills, all insurances, MOTS, things breaking in the house, getting tradesmen in.... it all falls to me. I feel like the only responsible adult. It’s exhausting and lonely. No solution, just understanding. He will not change. I have learned to live with it

EhlanaOfElenia · 27/12/2018 20:39

What grounds? On the grounds that he is not a genuine partner. You enter a relationship in order to have a PARTNER, not another child who happens to earn some money.

Go on strike for him. Carry ONLY the mental load for your children, and what will personally affect you. Tell him that you are doing it, and until he lifts his game you will continue to do it.

Do NOT wash or iron his clothes. If that means you use more electricity, water, and wash with only a half load, then so be it.

Do not pick things up after him. Or if they are in your way, dump them on his side of the room.

Book a holiday, but don't include him in it. Go with your DC somewhere. Or book somewhere you and DC would love, but you know he would hate.

Start spending weekends doing things you love to do. Go out with your DC to do fun things. Leave him out of it. Don't even tell him what you're doing, tell him that unless he starts organising some family activities he is neither wanted or invited.

Either it will jolt him out of his behaviour, and make him start participating, or you will make a nice life for yourself without him in it, and it will be the end of your marriage. His choice which way it goes.

EhlanaOfElenia · 27/12/2018 20:40

Oh and re the mouse, leave some of his socks etc near where you think the mouse might be lurking, a few holes in his clothes should teach him a lesson.

Exhsuatedmuch · 27/12/2018 20:41

My husband has aspergers so the mental load of Everything falls to me as well as all the remembering and reminding and nagging etc . With an aspie mother in law and daughter as well as two older children I really feel it in fact had a nervous breakdown two years ago from which I've still not recovered so no it's not just a little thing it's huge. Listen to how you feel is what I'd advise. I used to think I was moaning over very little. Turned out it burns you out. I understand how you feel totally. Feels like you if you stop no one else will make it through doesn't it xxx

zeldarama · 27/12/2018 20:43

Bank the cheque before you can't and it goes out of date.

Take care Op and hope you get some support from somewhere or can take a break.

Alabasterangel6 · 27/12/2018 20:49

I could have written this post 3 months ago. Then a relative who had listened to my outpourings gave me a brilliant article written by a journalist about this exact issue. I made a copy, stuck a post it on it saying ‘read this, read it again, then think about the reality that I can’t keep going the way we are for the rest of our days’..... I left it just before going out for the day. Never looked back it was the best thing I did and although he wouldn’t admit he was wrong, it made some penny drop. I’ve kept the article obviously and when I go upstairs I’ll see if I can find it. Was the best bit of reading in a long while.

Timeforachangeofusername99 · 27/12/2018 20:55

This is me too. I don't know what to do either. Sorry not much help but a hand hold

Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 27/12/2018 20:57

Thank you all for the kindness and understanding. I’m sorry some of you are going through similar and much worse.
I have thought about creating to do lists for him but that in itself is exhausting isn’t it? And again, why should I be the one to sort.
Tbh I have had a bit of a breakdown and I’m goi g to half time at work from jan for 3 months. This is so I can have a bit of time when the children are at school and so I can sort the house. It is a tip with stuff every where. He doesn’t see it though and helps create it. No wonder we have mice. It’s shameful really. I’m running on empty but will find a solution to this x

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 27/12/2018 21:00

Alabaster angel
Was it mental
Load by Emma clit? A fantastic website and article xx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/12/2018 21:08

Honestly delegate significant wifework to him and let him get on with it to learn/fail/improve without criticism of rescuing...

I suggest:

Meal planning, food shopping & cooking.

If he isn't home to cook he'll need to batch cook at the weekend/cook the night before.

Other things;
Birthday cards and gifts for all family and adult friends.

Announce to everyone it's now his job, let him forget/fail/buy crap and do not interfere.

Paying for school lunches or making packed lunches.

You need to Add more but start with that now, not after your 3 month part time stint.

My experience was that took 2 years for DH to learn to cook several decent meals and I did have to explain regularly that veg everyday was essential...

RandomMess · 27/12/2018 21:10

Oh buy him the book "wifework"" too and insist he reads it.

Exhsuatedmuch · 27/12/2018 21:12

I gave up on lists. As you say it's still you putting in the effort and tbh nothing on that list ever gets done or seems important to them.you can't juggle all the balls all the time OK.. I took a five day holiday with a friend and it was the best I ever felt. Is that something you could do? Just a few days break even to a family member or friend.. Your brain needs to be able to shut down xx

YodaEars1 · 27/12/2018 22:14

goodmum I totally empathise and am watching this thread with interest. In many ways I could have written your post..... unbanked cheque and all! Flowers

BackforGood · 27/12/2018 22:23

As you are both out at work all week, and also have 2 small children to look after, would it be worth having a set time on a Monday or at the weekend when you have a 'diary meeting' - doesn't matter what you call it, but a regular weekly slot where you sit (after the dc are in bed) and together go through what is literally a diary thing (eg you are out with mates on Wed so he needs to ensure he is home in time to put dc to bed, or he has a dentist appt so you need to pick them up from childcare on Thursday, or whatever) but actually use the time to allocate who is doing what over all the other things that need doing - 'it's Fred's birthday next month, which one of us is going to book the room for the party / get the invitations / sort the food / etc'...... or .... 'This cheque needs paying in and I'm not near a bank but you can go in your lunchbreak so if you do that, I'll go to that DIY shop and ask them for advice about a mousetrap' ....... or ...... We need a big shop tomorrow so would you rather do 'bath and bed for the dc or go and do the shop?'....... 'the dc need a haircut so can you put it in your diary to take them next Saturday morning whilst I ....'

etc.
etc.
etc.
Yes, in the first instance, you might well be bringing all the 'remembering' to the meeting, but each week the "family life stuff" gets shared out. Hopefully, once he's in to it, he will begin to think ahead more, and if he doesn't, well you've still shared out the work each week.

Alabasterangel6 · 27/12/2018 22:36

@goodmum1234 it was ‘emotional load’ by Gemma Hartley in the Sunday times. It was the start of November (my dates are wonky, weeks not months!!)

Her first article on the same subject had almost a million shares a year ago. It’s well worth a read.

Alabasterangel6 · 27/12/2018 22:41

And it talks exactly about why you shouldn’t make lists for him to do any why that’s not sharing any load!!!

My DH tried to tell me i could ‘give him’ tasks but only one at a time as he couldn’t handle otherwise. And he expected thanks. And I was guilty of giving it....’did you post that card? Thank you’.... this article stopped that. Today he did 2 hours of ironing because he noticed it was there. I didn’t ask. I didn’t thank him. He didn’t offer. It just needed doing. 3 months ago I’d have done that while he sat on his arse watching Star Wars.

subspace · 27/12/2018 22:42

I'd start by canceling the netflix subscription, and not buying crisps etc for him to snack on.

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/12/2018 22:45

You need to tell him you can't manage anymore and he has to step up. Give him responsibility, then let it go, no nagging or more than one reminder. When he doesn't do what he is meant to let him deal with the consequences. He has no gifts for his family at Christmas or for birthdays, he has to wear dirty clothes. Hopefully after a while the penny will drop and he will help.

RandomMess · 27/12/2018 22:46

Oh as well as meal planning, food shopping and cooking give him all the clothes washing, drying and ironing and it getting put away...

Seriously no lists just full responsibility for huge workload jobs!!

Whereartthouname · 27/12/2018 22:48

I understand you. I was the same. Why shoukd i tell him what to do when no body tells me what to do. I just use my eyes and see what needs to be done. My ex and i both dont work. I study. But i still did everything from lawns to washing up, all kids sorting everything, driving to appointments (my kids sen so i have alot) i asked him to come 1ce and he fell asleep so embarrassing. So i kicked him out. I thought the same at 1st i cant break up with someone over laziness.. yes you can.

Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 27/12/2018 22:56

Thank you all. Can’t wait to read article. I’m going to find it in a moment. I’m going to get tough and not feel guilty for how mean I am to him. He should see the crap every where as he trips over it everyday. Yes he’s watched me iron for hours and sat on his arse eating and watching bad blood - the next Netflix instalment!!
Regarding cheque, I can’t pay it in as it is a vat return on a farm vehicle so needs to go in small business account. Guess what? No small business account anymore as he forgot to pay monthly fee. The cheque is for a lot of money and he seems happy to sit there and watch it go out of date..... it’s been 3 1/2 months.
He thinks because he ‘works’ that that is it. Good god I’m so bloody angry!

OP posts:
ImpTime · 27/12/2018 23:33

It doesn't just sound like simple laziness though. Not paying in a cheque, letting a bank account close, a car not be sold. Something else going on ... Neglect of home, finances, sex and self-neglect - like he's lost his mojo or something? I guess you need to talk. Try not to argue with him (even though you would be justified). Just ask whats going on. He must be aware of something not right. Do you get angry with him when things don't get done? I assume you do but nothing changes.

As for yourself, I hear ya! I'm a single parent and the daily load just gets to me. Like a poster further up I'm doing all the car stuff, the bills, 3 hours this evening fixing the computer (its f*d again), trying to have some discipline for teenager, sorting out school forms, housework, on and on. The fact that you are working full-time, and have a healthy adult in the house who seems to be doing zilch, is appalling. I think it effects you because not only are you frazzled from doing stuff, its like you're 'worthless' because he's leaving it all o you.

You need to talk. Whats going on underneath this odd behaviour?

Practically, maybe experiment with some new ways of sharing responsibilities? At least as an emergency measure?

If no luck, marriage counselling?

If still no luck, trial separation?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/12/2018 23:43

Get a pest controller in to sort out the mice, chuck the cheque in the bin coz you can't cash it anyway and get someone to come and collect the car for scrap.

Sometimes when they see a financial penalty it jolts them into being a bit more proactive.

I hope you're not doing stuff for him like buying cards and presents from him, sorting his appointments, doing his laundry etc.

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