The mental load is always left to me- I’m sick of it

[Goodmum1234]

Feel a bit of a fraud on here after reading the disgusting way some of you are treated but I need to ask your honest opinions as I have no one else impartial to talk to. I hope that’s ok
Married 10 years, 2 young children. To everyone else we look like we’re living the dream. However, since my first born I’ve had mh issues but overcome these with regular cbt. Occasionally suicidal thoughts but thoughts only.
I and he work ft. He is kind, caring and never abusive....he adores me and the children. But he is lazy, laid back and let’s me do everything unless asked.

This has gone on for years but I’m feeling really angry now. Our sex life is non-existent (it’s been more than a year, and only once and we have a four year old),
I resent carrying the mental load all the time. I sometimes feel like I’m going to have a breakdown and feel that I hate him but then I wonder if it’s my mental health. I’m snappy, sometimes sharp with him and maybe border on being emotionally abusive towards him. Often passive aggressive.
He works hard but will sit all
Night watching Netflix, iPad, eating (he’s massively overweight as am l now
I sort holidays, finances, school bags, payments, rubbish bins, dishwasher,
We’ve had a mouse. I’m frightened to death, he said he’d put traps down a week ago but hasn’t. I’m seething inside. It’s just yet another thing.
We have an old banger to sell. Been sat on drive for three years.
A cheque needs paying into bank, been sat there 4 months. I could go on.....
I mention stuff over and over but unless I lose it he doesn’t do anything.
Please, what do I do? Close friends have said split up but on what grounds? Laziness? Don’t fancy him as he’s lazy and I’m resentful?

His dad passed away a few years ago and he never properly grieved due to massive fall out from this. His mum is v ill too. That’s why I’ve let him get away with things as he’s been through a lot but so have I. And lots of other people too. It can’t be used as an excuse can it? I call him mr avoidance as he avoids everything that. Doesn’t suit. I’ve sonetimes said I’m a single parent with three children

You can deposit a cheque on your phone.

That's how I feel most of the time. 18 years of doing everything, it is soul destroying. Please look at AS websites and see if anything resonates, I know on Mumsnet I will get shot down for this by the way, but sometimes it can answers many questions. It won't change the way you are living but may give you some insight into why things are the way they are. Only you can decide whether it is a life you and your children can live with but it may explain a lot of issues you have. This may not be the case, but may help you decide whether it is something you feel you can work with or whether you need to get out. Neither way is wrong by the way. Only you can decide. I can only give you advice but believe me when I say I can feel how angry and frustrated you feel. Thinking of you xx

Could he have depression, OP? It does sound awfully like it - in which case no amount of nagging or ultimatums will get through. If you can possibly get him to see a doctor and if they think appropriate onto antidepressants you can see if that helps/rules it out. Is his job physical? Does he move his body at all, or go outside? That can help mild depression.

Yes possibly depression. But he’s old fashioned and doesn’t think men get it! He is v overweight and moves v little. He has knee and back trouble. It’s all linked. As I say he is lovely, just lazy x

If it wasnt for the timings and farm vehicle thing, i'd think you were with my ex-H. He never lifted a finger at home (but liked moaning about how untidy and dirty it was) and never showed any interest in our daughter. He is now sadly seeing the outcome of that - she is a gorgeous, smart sparky 16 year old, and she doesnt want anything to do with him.

I stayed with my ex-H too long because i was afraid of being on my own, and it dragged me down. I didnt realise how much his awful mental health was affecting mine until he left, and it was like i woke up. Dont be me, please.

Ignoremeimnvisible what do the letters stand for?

That was me. It destroyed me and made me depresss and feel worthless. So I left ( well he left) and we are now divorcing. Honestly it felt like a weight has been lifted. Yes I have the mental load now because I m on my own but it’s half the work because I don’t have to ask him twenty times to do something or wait for him to do stuff. It just gets done. Best thing I ever did.

@Goodmum1234 Have things improved for you? x

He’s lovely? Op he’s treating you like his slave, he’s not lovely! What are you doing dropping hours at work? Reverse that and earn your own money to keep your independence from this absolute leech. Stop doing anything for him today, you are not his mother, don’t do his washing and ironing, don’t do his cooking, don’t do his admin. You’re actually enabling him so he’s not entirely to blame but you need to turn this right around. Why do you feel responsible for doing the daily life tasks of a grown man? I’m fuming for you but only because I did it myself for so long. I’m so much happier now and living without anger and resentment means my children get the best of me not the worst. And they notice the difference!

Oh and btw my ex husbands house is tidier than mine and his washing is always done as well as all his other jobs that keep him functioning. It’s been 4 years he’s kept that up. Miraculous.

I will also add my ex has AuDHD so that’s not an excuse either