Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband and potential affair

36 replies

Tofts · 27/12/2018 17:59

I have been off sex for a few years now. Lost interest and its been sore. I used to be extrememly active but am on antidepressants and going through the menopause. Ive been married for 20 years and have 3 teenage children. My husband wants sex and does satisfy himself sometimes. He is always asking me for sex and I say no cause Im really not interested. In a temper once or twice I told him to get it from someone else. I have now found out that he has called my bluff and had two affairs so far and is in the process of arranging another one. I am nosey and found really sexually explicit emails between him and this woman and they are planning to meet in 4 weeks time in a city not far away for the weekend. I was shocked to discover the messages and to find out about the other two affairs. The thing is he told me about the woman he is going to meet so he could book the weekend away. Duh. I was calm about it and said that was fine cause he wouldn't pester me for sex anymore. But I am now having second thoughts I think. It would blow our family apart if the kids found out. I dont know if I love him anymore anyway but now I'm just numb. Advice please

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 27/12/2018 18:20

But I am now having second thoughts I think. It would blow our family apart if the kids found out.

In my experience teenagers have less than zero interest in their parent's sex lives. If it doesn't bother you that he's going to get it elsewhere they are not going to care.

But it sounds like you now regret giving him permission.

Antidepressants commonly suppress libido, but some much more than others. You might consider asking your doctor to try rx'ing you something else and seeing if you feel more like getting back in the game.

Sorry you're going through this.

Corabella · 27/12/2018 18:36

I wouldn't call it an affair if you told him once or twice that he can go get it elsewhere! you have given him the green light!

I don't see why or how the children should know about it anyway. Why would they know?! Sounds like you are all getting the arrangement that works for you.. husband off of you and is getting it elsewhere..happy all around surely?

Huskylover1 · 27/12/2018 18:37

So, you have sexually neglected him for years. You've made him feel unloved, by telling him to have sex with other women. You have told him that you are happy for him to get sex elsewhere, because that will stop him "pestering" you. And now that you have driven him away, you are having a re-think and have decided that you won't have sex with him, but he shouldn't have sex with anyone else, so basically you want him to be celibate.

How monumentally selfish. The mind boggles.

NotTheFordType · 27/12/2018 18:45

What has your GP said?

MMmomDD · 27/12/2018 18:53

OP - what you have now is called an open marriage.
But seems you ended up there not by actual choice, but by accidentally uttering something, when in anger.

However, in a partnership built around a physical relationship - as most marriages are - when one party withdraws from that activity - it’s unfair to expect the other party to also stop wanting it.

Don’t use the kids reaction as an excuse. You don’t need to like it, and can leave, if you chose to.
Kids - don’t care about your arrangement, and won’t go snooping on there father’s sex life.

Travisandthemonkey · 27/12/2018 18:54

I think you’ve simply dealt with all of this really badly from the offset
It’s ok to not want sex
It’s ok that he does want sex. You should have just had a grown up conversation about all of it really. Instead of letting it get to this.
But I guess most people would rather bury their head in the sand and hope it all turns out ok in the end

Whathappensnext2018 · 27/12/2018 19:00

I agree with PP you haven’t had sex for years and told him to get it else where he did.

Tattybear16 · 27/12/2018 19:02

You haven’t bothered with him for a few years and you basically gave him permission to go somewhere else and now you feel numb. It’s all about you then in your marriage. I think you should leave him, and allow him to be happy and fulfilled with someone who cares, as not once have you said you love him.

ashtrayheart · 27/12/2018 19:03

I would say you can’t have it all ways, you need to be honest with each other and decide where the marriage is going.

Original poster

Tofts · 27/12/2018 22:18

I realise I can't have it all was and I've probably cooked my goose, but we have cuddles and kisses and have carried on as normal but just without the sex. He is still my friend and confident and I do care for him deeply but dont know if I love him anymore. We still have a great laugh. What I meant regarding the kids is if we decide to separate and if it gets out that he has slept with other women. Life is very stressful as I dont get help from him and I do everything. I feel like everyone's skivvy and don't get back up from him when I ask the kids to do stuff. Yes I did say to go and get sex elsewhere but I didn't think he actually would. Ok, Im a fool and feel awful.

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 27/12/2018 22:21

He has zero respect for you

SandyY2K · 27/12/2018 22:28

but we have cuddles and kisses
That's not enough for most people.

and have carried on as normal but just without the sex.

The sex is a big deal. That's what consummates a marriage.

He is still my friend and confident and I do care for him deeply but dont know if I love him anymore.
Were you unsure if you loved him before he slept with other women or after?

We still have a great laugh.

That's good...but it's not enough for him.

What I meant regarding the kids is if we decide to separate and if it gets out that he has slept with other women.

Are you worried he'll tell them you agreed to it because you don't want sex with him?

Life is very stressful as I dont get help from him and I do everything.

That's a whole other issue.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2018 22:31

Were you really expecting him to go without sex (and be happy) for the rest of your marriage?

BackInTheRoom · 27/12/2018 22:39

Gosh what a mess! Where would you even start to unpick this?! Could you anyway now that he's already gone outside the marriage? It might be only be a matter of time before he starts developing deeper feelings for someone else?

Maybe marriage counselling?
Honest conversations?
Read some John Gottman books?
Visit MarriageBuilders site?
Don't antidepressant numb feelings?
GP appointment?

MumsyJ · 27/12/2018 22:39

He can't be that much of a horny goat to start having sex outside. We all say things we don't mean but for him to go and do it anyway, shows a lack of respect towards you. Whatever happened to supporting each other in a so called marriage these days. And you've been together for god knows how long. Husband's just using what you said to him as an excuse to dip his dick here, there, everywhere. Don't beat yourself up too much, go and seek counselling if you're still interested in the marriage.

BanditoShipman · 27/12/2018 22:42

Life is very stressful as I dont get help from him and I do everything.

Is probably one of the reasons you didn’t want sex!!!!

Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 27/12/2018 22:43

Sex is really important in a relationship OP, I think in a similar position I’d be looking elsewhere too. That probably isn’t what you want to hear, but it is the truth. I hope you find a solution that works for all of you

PersonaNonGarter · 27/12/2018 22:44

You’re here now.

What do you want, actually? Because what’s clear is that the fuck up has come from you not thinking or saying what you actually mean. So, now decide, very fucking quickly, do you want to:

A) try to get back your marriage and have sex willingly and happily with your DH

B) Let him go

everydaymum · 28/12/2018 03:54

So there's no sex in your marriage and you don't think you even love him, yet you're upset he's looking elsewhere?

Beaverhausen · 28/12/2018 09:17

Personally I would be a lot more comfortable if he paid for it with an escort, much less chance of him leaving me for a whore than another woman.

Hopoindown31 · 28/12/2018 09:30

I think you've made a lot of assumptions, minimised the imprtance of your sexual relationship and taken your husband a bit for granted. But it sounds like he has taken you fot granted. You are now in a situation where you have allowed him to maintain the stability of the relationship whilst getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere. If you want to row back from this point I would expect some resistance! I'm honestly struggling to see how this can be salvaged.

Original poster

Tofts · 28/12/2018 09:38

What should I do? He does want the best of both worlds then again it seems so do I. I've shot myself in the foot. But I'm scared of what comes next. Nearly 21 years of marriage and then bang......

OP posts:

Hopoindown31 · 28/12/2018 09:42

An honest conversation is a start. Just concentrate on your feelings rather than words that could seem blaming at this stage.

However before you do be honest about whether you want to restart your sexual relationship with him, because if you don't then it isn't going to work.

Birdie6 · 28/12/2018 09:52

If you want him back you need to address the sex issue. You say you are menopausal, not interested, and "sore" - well these issues can be easily treated with some hormone replacement therapy. Why don't you see your GP and get some treatment for your problems ? You seem to be bothered by his reaction to your rejection, rather than addressing the reasons for your lack of interest.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/12/2018 10:42

Could you agree to live separately?
So he lives his life and you live yours.
That means he does all his own stuff.
Cooking, washing, shopping, ironing, cleaning.
Do you have a spare room?
You don't fancy him
You don't love him

It's time to have some space for yourself.
You've totally lost yourself in all of this.
How old are the DC?
Could you get away to a friends or family member for a week or so.
You really some space to think through what you really want in your life.
Some counselling for yourself would be a good start.

Flip

1 2