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Original poster

Husband and potential affair

36 replies

Tofts · 27/12/2018 17:59

I have been off sex for a few years now. Lost interest and its been sore. I used to be extrememly active but am on antidepressants and going through the menopause. Ive been married for 20 years and have 3 teenage children. My husband wants sex and does satisfy himself sometimes. He is always asking me for sex and I say no cause Im really not interested. In a temper once or twice I told him to get it from someone else. I have now found out that he has called my bluff and had two affairs so far and is in the process of arranging another one. I am nosey and found really sexually explicit emails between him and this woman and they are planning to meet in 4 weeks time in a city not far away for the weekend. I was shocked to discover the messages and to find out about the other two affairs. The thing is he told me about the woman he is going to meet so he could book the weekend away. Duh. I was calm about it and said that was fine cause he wouldn't pester me for sex anymore. But I am now having second thoughts I think. It would blow our family apart if the kids found out. I dont know if I love him anymore anyway but now I'm just numb. Advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
Tofts · 28/12/2018 11:26

20,18 &14

OP posts:
BasedInDublin · 28/12/2018 12:01

If you are not interested in sex at all, and your DH is still, then your relationship will obviously change. It must be difficult for you both

Him having the option of having sex elsewhere sounds like it could work, but there is always a risk that something else could develop from that.

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2018 12:25

Life is very stressful as I dont get help from him and I do everything.

Can you elaborate? Are you working FT as well?

Kennycalmit · 28/12/2018 12:44

Sorry but I feel for your husband

You haven’t wanted sex for years. I certainly wouldn’t hang around waiting without sex for that long unless it was impossible for him to do it with me.
Not only have you been off sex for years you’ve told him more than once to go and get it elsewhere. Now he is, you don’t like it

So what are you expecting him to do? Stay in a sexless marriage and remain unhappy?

Either you work on your marriage and you go for counselling and start having sex or you either break up completely, or you let him sleep with other women

But expecting anybody to remain in a sexless marriage when you aren’t doing anything to resolve the lack of sex is unfair.

Sisterlove · 28/12/2018 13:15

Is it sex you dont want? Or sex with him? Do you have any desire at all? Do you self pleasure?

You don't have to answer, but I'm trying to see if there's any hope for you.

Do you find him attractive? Are you happy with your own self image/body?

Things to think about.

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 28/12/2018 13:25

Difficult situation. A sexless marriage destroyed me. I'm struggling to feel normal again, never mind desirable.

It's a shitty way to unilaterally change the goalposts in a marriage and do nothing about it. I.understand why it happens but strikes me you want the trappings of a marriage without the work.

Maybe I'm wrong? Dig deep and face your fears. You will handle whatever comes your way.

Original poster
Tofts · 28/12/2018 22:33

Part time, trying to run my own business too

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/12/2018 22:51

OP - what do you actually want to happen, for YOU?

If you don’t want to separate - and as you say you aren’t sure you love him that much anyway - can you not live with him having sex on the side?
Why does it matter to you, really?
It gets him off your back; it makes him less frustrated - and your life can continue as is.

Alternatively - do you want to try to get your libido back? It may be that you are tired and depressed and it has affected it all.

Your kids do not care and won’t care about your H’s sex life. And their parents’ ‘arrangement’ - neither now, nor of you were to split up.

ISdads · 28/12/2018 22:58

What's so bad about continuing as things are? Your biggest risk is him leaving after developing feelings. He isn't going to go back to being faithful, that's pretty much given, whether you agree to sex or not.

everydaymum · 28/12/2018 23:06

He wants the best of both worlds?? He's in a marriage with no sex and a wife that doesn't love him! don't think he wants the best of both worlds, he just wants a world where he feels loved.

Unless there's more to this I think you're being incredibly unfair. Other posters are commenting on the lack of sex, but the big issue for me was when you said you don't think you even love him. If that's the case, let him find someone who does.

Honeyroar · 28/12/2018 23:25

It’s not much of a life or a marriage for either of you. Surely you can’t just carry on like this?

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