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Original poster

my BF says I am overprotective of my ex and its annoying him

32 replies

dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 13:44

so have been separated from my ex about 2 yrs (his choice and decision) and in process of divorce and I have been seeing lovely man for nearly a year now. We both have kids and they have all met each other now and get on well, our daughters message each other etc. But my ex doesn't seem to be able to accept that I'm with someone else. He knows about hm of course, i told him after a few months and then he exploded at me in front of our children and hence they found out, not how I would have done it but it is what it is. Anyway when I felt time right I introduced DP to my kids and then eventually all the kids. My partner knows all this. When the kids mention my DP in front go him he refers to him as "that bloke". My ex isn't seeing someone but has been on dating sites, my kids have told me this as they have seen texts on his phone but he won't talk to them about it, saying its not their business. I said that Im very happy for dad and that it's good he is meeting people and when he meets someone special am sure he will tell them but that he is allowed to have a private life and I also told my ex to watch his phone as kids see stuff.
Anyway I'm waffling but Im very aware that my ex is ignoring my new partner existence and I don't want to make him uncomfortable. So i always make sure my DP is never here if my ex is dropping kids etc so he always has to leave before he gets here. My ex does stupid things like my son wanted to pop back to get some stuff and I said fine but my DP is here, so my ex dropped him off a street away and made my son walk the rest of the way to get his stuff, he wouldn't even come on the drive or end of the drive to drop him off! Anyway my DP says he is getting sick of me protecting my ex feelings and he thinks i should stop. I get what he is saying but Im trying very hard to keep everything amicable with me and my ex and also not stress the children. I don't know what I should do?? Have to do some soul searching and try and work out a way forward to keep everyone happy but not sure how.

OP posts:
MooMummy12 · 27/12/2018 13:47

Personally I think you should put your own happiness first before your ex's anyway obviously children are different. He's a grown man so needs to act like one. Things can still be amicable between you. But if your DP was to ever move in would you make him leave then so that ex could drop off/pick up children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2018 13:53

Your ex is behaving really badly and it’s his responsibility to act appropriately in front of your DC, not yours to minimise the chances of him having a tantrum or your DP’s to make himself scarce. What will you do if you ever move in together?

I don’t think this is about the DC and I’m with your DP. You’re not with your ex for a reason (him choosing to behave like a spoilt toddler?!) and you are with your partner. The DC seem happy and settled so who cares what your ex thinks, especially when he’s also dating?!

Your ex doesn’t need to come in to your home to get the DC, he can wait outside. It’s your home, you can have anyone you want there. If he chooses to take his strop out on the DC that makes him an arse.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 27/12/2018 13:58

I think if my DP asked me to leave their home because an ex was due to drop off the kids, I would be upset and hurt. I would presume your new bf feels similar, and you're putting your ex's feeling above his.

Your ex chose to leave you (TWO years ago!) and he's got no right to be upset about it, especially in front of the kids. What an arse.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 27/12/2018 14:29

My partner spends... probably too much time protecting her ex for the same reasons. For their kids.

But he accepts that I'm there (I've lived with them for a couple of years now.) and even in the early days where he found my existence a little hard to swallow, he sucked it up for the kid's sake. My partner made it clear to him that he had to accept this. We rub along ok and can have the occasional laugh together when we're in the same place.

Her children's happiness is her primary concern (and this was laid out very clearly to me early in the dating process) but she would never expect me to pretend not to exist for his sake. We don't rub our relationship in his face unnecessarily and I'm happy to be scarce when it feels like the sensitive thing to do (he has bad days and good days,) since I know it's my choice and not an expectation.

I'd find it very hard in your partner's shoes, I have to admit.

NameChangeNugget · 27/12/2018 14:54

I think your new DP sounds very tolerant. Your ex is taking the piss

goldengummybear · 27/12/2018 15:02

It's been 2 YEARS - I agree with your current dp that it's ridiculous to do this after so long.

ThePeachPit · 27/12/2018 15:12

I get it’s really difficult and I’ve been guilty of protecting my ex somewhat myself. But dropping your dd a street away is extreme and makes him sound very immature.
My bf is moving in and so my ex is having to suck it up a bit. Yesterday was the first time he actually came into the house when my bf was here (dd wanted to show him something), he said what sounded like quite a forced “hi” but it’s definitely progress. He still only refers to him as ‘he’ and not his name.

I’m not really sure what to suggest because we’ve certainly not got it sorted ourselves. But it’s definitely better than it was and I’ve definitely got a bit tougher on him.
My boyfriend is luckily very understanding and knows all that I’m doing is for dd and not my ex.

MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 15:21

It’s hard to strike a balance, isn’t it, between being careful of someone’s feelings for the sake of amicable co parenting, vs pandering to tantrums. He was very unreasonable to ‘explode’ in front of your children thus forcing you to tell them - so he’s entitled to a private life (telling them his dating activities are ‘not their business’ which tbf is true) but you’re not?

I have no useful advice i’m afraid but it sounds like you dodged a bullet there.

ElspethFlashman · 27/12/2018 15:30

It's been 2 years. I think your DP has a valid point.

You're treating him like he's a dirty little secret. You should be proud of him.

Your ex is a wanker. Time to roll your eyes at the man baby.

MumsyJ · 27/12/2018 15:30

Well, he's an ex for a reason, you've moved on and I'm guessing he didn't think you'd find happiness post separation but to his greatest shock, you are happy.
Respect your DP by not asking him to make himself scarce during drop offs/ pick ups and let Mr ex throw his toy out of his pram all he likes, as long as your kids are happy with your DP that supersedes everything else.
Mr ex needs to grow up, afterall, it was his decision to end the marriage in the first place.

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/12/2018 15:35

have been separated from my ex about 2 yrs (his choice and decision)
So why are you allowing him to dictate how you live?
He had no right blowing up at you for moving on with your life either.
Why are you giving him so much power and control over you?

Your dp is right - you are protecting your ex's feelings even 2 years after he dumped you.
You don't seem to have properly emotionally detached from him.

MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 15:40

It’s all true

One thing i would check though - your ex sounds like he is angry and controlling. Was he like this when you were together? I know you’re saying your new man is all nice and everything, but to me (and i’m betting i’m not alone here) it sounds like your previous relationship is likely to have involved some emotional abuse, so it might be worth doing the freedom programme or something just to check your boundaries are all where they should be - on the one hand it’s perfectly reasonable of your new boyfriend to want to be acknowledged as a part of yours and your dcs’ lives, but on the other hand you’re caught between two men who are trying to tell you to do things the way they think you should be, and you seem uncertain of the best way to do this. So i would say, with love, to just make sure that you have healthy boundaries and are able to assert yourself and ask for the things that you want, so you don’t end up being dictated to by any more manbabies.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2018 15:43

I agree with your partner. Why are you catering to your ex's bullshit tantrums? He's behaving like a 3 year old and you should tell him you'll no longer tolerate it.

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 16:34

Yes my ex is/was very controlling and still is. We are in the process of divorce and not reached a settlement. Every month he threatens to withhold money and I have to ask him to put money in the joint account. I think I’m still controlled by him. He says stuff to the kids like mummy won’t let me get a new home because she wants to stay in the family house. It drives me insane. But I can’t change him I just damage limit it with the kids when they’re with me. I feel until it’s all done with and I have a legal settlement I’m very insecure and vulnerable and try not to rock the boat with him so he has no reason to be more difficult than he already is. I’m exhausted by it. My DP has been very tolerant but he is now fed up with me. I feel completely wiped out. And at this time of year too everything is so emotional already.

OP posts:
Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 16:37

Madame butterface inthink you’re very wise. I’ll look at it. I had a very controlling mother too. I do need to set boundaries and stop trying to please everyone.

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MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 16:45

Ahh that can’t be nice - i can see why your new partner might be getting fed up with the situation but he shouldn’t be getting cross at you. Please make sure you’re looking after you first and foremost, divorce is draining and you’re dealing with an abuser who’s still trying to wield power wherever he can. Do make sure you do what you need to do to ensure you’re in no danger of swapping one stroppy ‘all about meeeee’ bloke for another. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2018 16:45

Your ex can only control you if you allow it, and you are. As a result, you are severely damaging your relationship with your partner. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you were always second fiddle to a twatish ex? You wouldn't like it and you probably wouldn't hang around, either.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2018 16:51

What amazes me is he ended the marriage, yet he's upset you've moved on.

But my ex doesn't seem to be able to accept that I'm with someone else

Was he expected you to cry over him and wallow in self pity for the rest of your life.

MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 17:01

I expect he thought the grass would be greener and spent so long putting op down that he started to believe his own hype. It happens. Good for op getting free at last.

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 17:20

I think he thought I’d beg him to come back but actually I realised how much happier I am without him and free and I’ve done alright. Not saying it’s easy but I didn’t collapse. I actually realised how strong I was. My ex is so resentful I’ve stayed in the family home. And to make matters worse I’m happy! How dare I! Yes Sandy I think he did expect me to cry and fall apart. Yes I do see how my DP has been very tolerant and I’ve taken that for granted. Need to right some wrongs, put some boundaries in place with ex and hope it’s not too late.

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MaeveDidIt · 27/12/2018 17:31

He left you and he obviously doesn't like it that you are happy now and he is not.

Personally I would play him until you get your divorce settlement, otherwise he is going to keep throwing his toys out of the pram and try holding you to ransom

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 17:53

Maeve I am trying to keep my ex on side to minimise any acrimony whine negotiating things but clearly upsetting my DP at same time. Feel I’m in a lose lose situation now.

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HeebieJeebies456 · 27/12/2018 18:02

Just go via CSA to get the maintenance, then he can'tr dick you about and make threats about withholding it.

Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 18:05

We’ve exchanged form E and my lawyer is about to make a proposal for settlement. My DP has now decided he wants nothing more to do with me until my divorce is over and done with. Which could take a while. This has been a very crap day.

OP posts:
Original poster
dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 18:07

Oh and my DP told me via text too. One year together. Last night I’m playing speak out with his kids and table football and laughing. Cooked them breakfast this morning and now it’s over? We were going to spend new year together.

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