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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

cat or husband!

36 replies

2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 11:01

NC for this as I forgot my password and couldn't reset it so deleted old account and made new one (previously posted as "mycatsadog").

My story in brief;
With DH more than 20 years, 2 young adult DC, good jobs, money, naice life etc. I started binge drinking about 8 years ago - self medicating for MH issues when I uncovered a horrible family secret. I was abusive physically to him - slapped him twice - and just a really embarrassing mess when drunk (about once a week). After another argument, we split about 6 months ago. He got with a someone he had known more than 20 years ago and had a brief relationship with her before ending that and asking for us to reconcile. I originally thought he had EA before we split but have now seen evidence that they did not start communicating in any romantic sense until after we split.

So we are giving it another go – but in the time he was away, I took on a cat of a neighbour who was emigrating and DH is highly allergic. Runny nose/eyes, wheezing, rash etc just from being in the house. We are not officially living back together again yet but he has been visiting and really can’t be in the house for any period of time. But…..me and my DC have come to really love our little cat and he really kept me going when I was so unhappy when DH left/started seeing someone else. The DC absolutely adore him and are adamant we are keeping him. They are young adults and will leave the family home in the next 2 – 4 years I imagine. But my DC were also such as support when DH left and I feel I owe it to them to take their views into account. DH is annoyed that it is even an issue given we have only had the cat about 2 months – he hasn’t outright said we should re-home him but he has hinted. So I feel like I am torn between keeping the cat and the DC happy and giving my marriage another go. We are currently trying all sorts of anti-allergy sprays, air filters, bathing/grooming the cat etc, but they don’t appear to be working. He is too young to go out yet but will be in March. Anyone else been in a similar position can offer advice?????

OP posts:
EthelHornsby · 27/12/2018 11:18

Cat - you know where you are with a cat.

Surfskatefamily · 27/12/2018 11:19

Id get rid of cat, rather than the father of my kids. Surely thats not sonething youd need to really ask

NC4Now · 27/12/2018 11:20

Keep the cat, date your husband out of the house, see how it goes.

saganorenscarandcoat · 27/12/2018 11:32

Keep the cat

thisisjustdaft · 27/12/2018 11:33

Did you already know about his allergy before you adopted the cat, or did you only find out when he visited with the cat present?

Heratnumber7 · 27/12/2018 11:41

Keep the cat and buy your husband some Piriton.

category12 · 27/12/2018 11:41

I'd choose the cat tbh.

Original poster
2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 11:57

Thanks for the responses. Have tried multiple antihistamines - none particularly effective. Did not know the extent of the allergy - he had a really bad reaction to a dog once at a friend's house but it was a really shaggy dog and they weren't the cleanest of people - hairs everywhere! He had been around other cats and dogs for very short periods of times and was a bit wheezy, but nothing like this.
@surfskatefamily.....that's what my head tells me....not to put a cat I've only had for a short period of time before a 20 year plus marriage. But there is also the feeling it may not work out between us and giving up the cat will have been for nothing.
@NC4N.....that was our plan. He's been coming up to see the DC, fix some things and also, the relative he's been staying with had his partner and her family over so it was very tight for space so DH stayed here a few nights.

Does anyone know of anybody who got over a cat/dog allergy? I've looked online and its abut 75% saying you can never get over it and about 25% saying people can get used to the allergens in cat saliva and be relatively ok. I'm torn every time he comes up to me, all purring and head butting and just his lovely little face ...I would hate to give him up but I do still love my husband. And my DC would be so sad and angry as they just adore him.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 27/12/2018 12:00

Is your house your husband's too? I think making it basically impossible for him to live there isn't on really. If you want your marriage to work he needs to come before a cat.

category12 · 27/12/2018 12:01

Do the dc want their father back in the house?

Original poster
2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 12:04

@TwistedStitch.....yes - joint mortgage. I agree with what you are saying and it is a good point - it is his house too. I can understand that he would be aggrieved that I was putting a cat before him. I wish I had never took him in now ......whatever I do, someone is going to be upset.

Do people who have cats think it will be better when he is not in the house 24/7 - he's still little and does a lot of running/jumping around. I am thinking that once he is older and stops that and is outdoors a lot, there will be less dander in the house?????

OP posts:
Original poster
2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 12:06

@category12 - they definitely want us to get back together but I am not convinced they want him living here again. Although my drinking was a huge problem, he is not without his faults and the house is much more relaxed when he is not here. But they are planning their own lives after university and I hope they will have their own places in the next few years.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 27/12/2018 12:06

How weird, your DC would rather the cat over their father back home?

Are you and your dh having any kind of marriage counselling or anything, your issues seem more than a matter of just get rid of a cat. Have your mental health issues been addressed and your drinking?

Drawtheline14 · 27/12/2018 12:22

My friend got kittens, she’s allergic and takes pills everyday but kept the cats. I’m sure your husband can do the same

Goodadvice1980 · 27/12/2018 12:27

Keep the cat!

Try a product called Petal Cleanse which can help with their dander (often the main cause of allergies). Is your DH also asthmatic or just allergic to the cat? Does he currently use inhalers?

Also, dyson round where possible twice a day, comb the cat too (if the cat is compliant with this!).

Good Luck.

Original poster
2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 12:42

@frazzledasarock - they love their father and want to see us happy but I expect they are still feeling the fall out of us splitting up. He is a good man but quite regimented and I am the opposite - so from their perspective, I let a lot of things go that he doesn't....not saying I am in the right here. Part of the problem in the marriage was me being too compliant to what he wanted to do to the extent I "lost" myself and just went along with what he wanted (although he was never aggressive or anything like that). I've stopped drinking and am in counselling for the family issues, my low self esteem and my need to please people. He has suggested marriage guidance and we will be starting that once the festive season is over.
@Goodadvice1980....thank you, I will look into that. I read that it is a protein in the saliva that accounts for most allergies. DH had asthma as a child but "grew out of it" (as did DS). He did have a bit of a chest infection recently which also hasn't helped.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 27/12/2018 13:09

If you are serious about repairing your marriage the cat has to go I'm afraid especially as it is his house too.

BlackWatchBelle · 27/12/2018 13:28

I think if you were serious about wanting your husband back this wouldn't be a question. I think your sub conscious has sabotaged a reconcilliation by adopting the cat. Be honest with yourself and him

On a lighter note, I would rather have my cats than my husband Grin

NC4Now · 27/12/2018 13:37

Actually here’s some anecdotal evidence. I am allergic to cats, but not my own. I get itchy eyes, sneezing, sore throat etc.
I had cats as a teen and never struggled with them.
I now have a very handsome boy who is 2.5, who I’ve had since a kitten. The first week I was on Piriton then I warned myself off. Now he sleeps on my bed, I kiss him and snuggle him, without any problems at all.
I’ve heard other people have similar experiences,

LEMtheoriginal · 27/12/2018 13:38

My dp is allergic to cats. He cant even come near me in my work clothes. I love cats and im sad i can't have one but its just not possible. If you are serious about your marriage the cat has to go but your reticence suggests to me that you are unsure aboit yoir feelings for your dh.

I dont think the dc get a say because they will leave home soon enough.

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/12/2018 15:56

I was abusive physically to him - slapped him twice - and just a really embarrassing mess when drunk (about once a week)
He's a mug for wanting to get back with you.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2018 16:03

First of all work out if you really want him back living with you. You say the house is much more relaxed without him. Could you start the relationship again but him not live with you?

If you do want to live with him, for god's sake get rid of the cat. Sad but bloody hell, talk about being uncaring to the man. Allergic reactions are horrible.

Icklepup · 27/12/2018 16:07

I'd keep the cat.

LanaorAna2 · 27/12/2018 16:12

Your kids don't want their DF back. Their DM is getting over a drink problem. They are teens. They deserve 0 of this. The cat is healing them.

Leave well alone.

Original poster
2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 16:15

Thanks again - mix of responses.

@HeebieJeebies.....You've got a point. How I've been is possibly unforgivable. That's part of my worry about trying again. That although he still loves me, he won't respect me again.

I am seeming like I don't care about him. I do. But he knows he needs to make changes too and I'm not convinced he can do that.

I think we will try the anti allergy approach, not live together and see how it goes. He needs to spend some time on his own too rather than pin balling from one woman to another and back again.

OP posts: