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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

cat or husband!

36 replies

2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 11:01

NC for this as I forgot my password and couldn't reset it so deleted old account and made new one (previously posted as "mycatsadog").

My story in brief;
With DH more than 20 years, 2 young adult DC, good jobs, money, naice life etc. I started binge drinking about 8 years ago - self medicating for MH issues when I uncovered a horrible family secret. I was abusive physically to him - slapped him twice - and just a really embarrassing mess when drunk (about once a week). After another argument, we split about 6 months ago. He got with a someone he had known more than 20 years ago and had a brief relationship with her before ending that and asking for us to reconcile. I originally thought he had EA before we split but have now seen evidence that they did not start communicating in any romantic sense until after we split.

So we are giving it another go – but in the time he was away, I took on a cat of a neighbour who was emigrating and DH is highly allergic. Runny nose/eyes, wheezing, rash etc just from being in the house. We are not officially living back together again yet but he has been visiting and really can’t be in the house for any period of time. But…..me and my DC have come to really love our little cat and he really kept me going when I was so unhappy when DH left/started seeing someone else. The DC absolutely adore him and are adamant we are keeping him. They are young adults and will leave the family home in the next 2 – 4 years I imagine. But my DC were also such as support when DH left and I feel I owe it to them to take their views into account. DH is annoyed that it is even an issue given we have only had the cat about 2 months – he hasn’t outright said we should re-home him but he has hinted. So I feel like I am torn between keeping the cat and the DC happy and giving my marriage another go. We are currently trying all sorts of anti-allergy sprays, air filters, bathing/grooming the cat etc, but they don’t appear to be working. He is too young to go out yet but will be in March. Anyone else been in a similar position can offer advice?????

OP posts:

Original poster

2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 16:16

@Lanaor.......good point.

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 27/12/2018 16:31

Cat, every time.

Hopoindown31 · 27/12/2018 16:36

He needs to spend some time on his own too rather than pin balling from one woman to another and back again.

It really sounds like you have a very low opinion of him, especially given you have stated that his other relationship only started after you separated and you are a self-confessed physically abusive drunk who has subjected him to poor treatment on a number of occasions.

Honestly, if you had posted this on a more gender-balanced forum, or where a man you'd be getting called out a lot more than you have been. I'm all for solidarity in the sisterhood but I don't think this has the makings of something positive for either of you.

Maelstrop · 27/12/2018 17:14

It's his house. I'm amazed you're even asking this. Get rid of the cat. Your DH can move back in whenever he feels like it. You have one husband and can get another cat anytime.

Original poster

2019willbegreat · 27/12/2018 17:39

@hoponindown......I do not have a low opinion of him and fully acknowledge I was abusive to him on two occasions and embarrassing on many others and it is to his credit he stayed as long as he did before cracking. what I Meant Was he needs to be sure he is coming back for me/us and not just to please family/friends and because we would have a great lifestyle etc (as long as I do not repeat prior bad behaviour) and because it wasn't going anywhere with the new woman.

The problem with waiting it out is DC and I get even more attached to the cat but I accept that is a chance we need to take. I am also coming round to the reality that the cat may need to rehomed if we do get back on track.

OP posts:

category12 · 27/12/2018 17:49

I think that the kids aren't falling over themselves with joy at the idea of him moving back in speaks volumes.

There's a lot to be said for non-live-in relationships, y'know.

Smile19 · 27/12/2018 18:22

I'm allergic to cats and dogs and own both. You wouldn't know it as I no longer present with symptoms..however when we go away for a week and come back I do. Key difference here is I want the pets.

tierraJ · 27/12/2018 18:46

Cat - they're clean, intelligent, sociable but not too needy.

mogratpineapple · 27/12/2018 21:19

Cat. Always

HoobaHooba · 27/12/2018 21:26

Petal cleanse is excellent. My dh was wildly allergic to our cat but regular application of PC and daily antihistamine/inhaler sorted it. You need to persist with anti histamines for a bit though. Took about 6 months for my dh to get used to the cat.

ellendegeneres · 27/12/2018 22:43

nc4now I’m the same. Was always allergic to people’s cats and rabbits growing up but got a kitten as an adult, and wasn’t allergic to her.
Still can’t be around other people’s cats for long without allergic reaction but I have two different cats now and am fine with them, it’s very odd but I’m glad cause I’m a big old cat lady waiting to happen

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