Can I have some perspective on this please?

[SinkingFeelingAgain]

DD,10 being mean to DS,6. Being a bit hyper and cheeky, as she gets sometimes. I go into bathroom and then come out to find DH bellowing at her to go to her room and pulling her up the stairs by her arms. He’s trying to get her onto the bottom of the stairs, I think she’s on her knees. He’s pulling her bodily straight up.
She’s still being cheeky rather than upset.

I say ‘you can’t pull her like that’, she goes up to her room. He starts saying ‘but she was...’ I say ‘doesn’t matter what she was doing’.

I just don’t know how ok or not this is. This sort of thing is not completely unusual.

It’s all a bit unclear tbh, context is needed.

So dd is naughty
Dad says go to your room
DD says no.
Dad says if you don't go ill make you
DD lays on floor says no
Dad drags her?
Is that right?

He probably didn’t say he’d make her, more just carried on shouting ‘go to your room’, and then dragged her, but otherwise, yes, Fatty

I don’t see the issue then, apart from you stepping in to make her realise that she can do what she likes because you’ll step in.

What is she doing do your DS?

She was threatening to punch his teddy and calling him bumbum.

I really didn’t feel ok with her being dragged around.

I wouldn't be happy with him getting physical in that way.

There's a problem if he can't get her to go to her room verbally, whether that's parenting or behavioural with the dc.

It’s also the way he does things like this and then blames them.

I wouldn’t be happy with him dragging her either, but then I wouldn’t be happy with her being nasty and disrespecting her dad either.

If I ever had a problem with something DP said or did with the kids, I certainly wouldn’t say it in front of them because that lets them know their dad can be undermined.

So the question is, why is she doing these things? Because once you’ve got to the bottom of that, you can stop it.

I think she made such a fuss and ignored her dad because she knew fine you’d step in.

How do you make her accept a punishment then?

We never struck our children but we did pick them up or even "drag" them to the naughty step on occasion...

Whether he was right or wrong (unclear if undue force or not), you have totally undermined dad...

Save the feedback for closed doors unless the situations harmful.

My thinking is that we choose a punishment that doesn’t require cooperation.
I have physically put a younger child on the naughty step to being with, while training them about it, but not a 10 yr old.

Oh and I know why she’s doing it, she gets overwhelmed by too much going on, gets hyper and needs some quiet time. But it’s like a switch flips, it’s hard to see it coming on.

And what about your son OP? How does he feel?

Because honestly, you jumped in and had a go at your DP because your DD knew you would, and now it’s all ok and she’s the victim.

Well played your DD.

It's one thing to pick up small child and put on naughty step or whatever, because you can do that without hurting them. But when they're bigger, if you're resorting to dragging them and being physical, then you're going to end up hurting them or escalating things. Really needs to be addressed in other ways.

No that is absolutely not okay.

She should absolutely not be dragged around by her father and he needs to learn to control his temper.

You did not undermine him, you undermined his bullying, heavy handed approach and made it clear that his behaviour was unacceptable. Which it was. Far more unacceptable than her behaviour, actually.

She’s not the victim, she’s in her room while DS is playing happily with other DS.

I do try not to undermine DH, unless absolutely necessary, thought this was probably one of those occasions, but then wondered if I was being over sensitive, hence asking here.

My DD (7) has that same hyperactivity. We have spent some time lately discussing it so she acknowledges that she does it, and talking about how we can recognise it when it happens and what helps her to calm down a bit. It's slow progress but she's lately recognised that she calms if she lies in bed with the covers over her head. I've offered to lie with her if she wants that and just both be quiet.

Sorry this doesn't help so much with your question but thought it might be useful going forward if you're not already doing something similar.

When things get overwhelming can she go to her room spontaneously? Can she say that she’s had enough or just take herself off?

I ask because my 3 all get extremely overwhelmed and they have their rooms, or various hidey holes around the house they can go to for peace.

That is really helpful, Needs we are struggling with it. It came on quite suddenly about 18 months ago.

She does take herself off a bit, Christmas but I guess not every time/soon enough. She has her own room, which she loves.

Is she able to identify when she’s beginning to feel overwhelmed? That’s a key thing, it took a long time to be able to identify it myself, let alone to help my mob identify it.

DS2 still can’t verbalise it, so they’ve all got wee cards that say “stop” on the door of their room that they can put up to show the rest of us they need space.

Sounds really twatty, but with 3 autistic kids in the same house and all 3 needing to have space sometimes it works.

Obviously negative behaviour needs to have consequences, but I’m much more a fan of trying to work out what causes it and heading it off before it happens so situations don’t escalate.

I should say that trial and error featured a lot in the run up to working it out.

I’d also like to apologise for “well played your DD”. It was unfair and uncalled for, and I’m sorry.

That’s ok.

She says she doesn’t really know when she’s beginning to feel like it. Sometimes I spot it, but not always.

Aye that sounds familiar.
What worked for us (not instructions for you or anything, just a suggestion to see if it works) was getting them to learn to identify how they felt just before it all kicked off.

It took time right enough, but now they can identify when it’s all getting too much and get the space they need.

Best of luck and thank you for accepting my apology.

All ideas welcome, thanks

Does she require being physically handled? As in does she need to be stopped from hurting herself, others or damaging things? If not then I sort of feel like at 10 there could be other consequences (unless SEN) such as losing screen time, or having to stay home whilst other DC are taken out (to cheer them up because she upset them or even 'natural consequences').
What was he aiming to do? Take her to her room or put her on the naughty step?

I think with hindsight in that situation you should have told her to go to her room to calm down and think about her actions. Then once she was out of earshot and you DP had calmed down you could have addressed the issues of him manhandling her and come up with some solutions. That way you were backing him up in his punishment for her, but still stopping him from hurting her (accidentally or otherwise) whilst physically moving her. But in the moment I would have probably done the same as you.

She didn’t need to be removed, in that she was only being nasty to younger brother.
DH has told her to go to her room and she wasn’t going, so her was dragging her there.

I agree that we need a punishment that doesn’t need her cooperation.

I also don’t like him blaming her for his actions.