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Original poster

Found messages and don't know what to think - friends or affair?

31 replies

Whymewhynowwhyhim · 26/12/2018 19:42

I never thought I would be writing this sort of thread, and have name changed.

Married 25 years, happy although we have had our issues and have been going to couple therapy.

DH is out today, picked up to go to his hobby and I noticed a notification come up on his laptop which he'd forgotten to shut down. I knew he played games online and had a few online friends. I hadn't thought anything of it.

The message was from Facebook and one of his 'friends'. I shouldn't have, but I snooped. And have spent hours reading and I'm stunned and shocked.

There are literally thousands of messages over the last few months from one woman. They speak every day it seems, often when he first wakes up and goes to sleep.

Messages ending with kisses. Talking about their relationships, she seems to be married as well but lives abroad. Talking about how they are 'important' to each other, and care for each other.

I could maybe think that was just a close friendship, maybe. They have never met, I know that, but they have daily sent pornographic images to each other, there are graphic descriptions of things they would do if they met. I also think they may have spoken in person, but I can't access Skype as it's on his phone.

I just don't know what to think. He's never been the type to cheat, we have had our issues but I thought we had a good marriage.

Is this an affair? He has never said he loved her, and they seem to have talked about meeting up but he said 'it was a line he couldn't cross'.

I feel numb. I've gone out, sitting in the car just because I have no idea what to say when I see him.

OP posts:
Santaisonthesherry · 26/12/2018 19:45

Exchanging genital pics is cheating imo.
It would send me to a divorce lawyer thats for certain.
Take pics for evidence, and pack his stuff is my advice.

NicoAndTheNiners · 26/12/2018 19:47

Well I would count that as an affair. Even just the talking is an emotional affair but the photos are wrong on a deeper scale.

How would he react if you were doing this with a bloke?

I'm sorry but at least you've found out now. While he's thinking of her all day, every day he's not prioritising your relationship.

NicoAndTheNiners · 26/12/2018 19:48

I sometimes end a message to a male friend with a kiss. But I message him once every few weeks, I don't send him pictures of my fanny and I don't send him messages saying what I'd like to do to him. That's the difference.

Apileofballyhoo · 26/12/2018 19:49

All the time and effort he is putting into her is time and effort he is stealing from you. I would class it as an affair.

KMoKMo · 26/12/2018 19:49

Yep emotional affair as far as I’m concerned.
I suspect would have been much more if she lived more locally.
I don’t think it’s something I could forgive. Sorry you’re having to deal with this Flowers

HolyMountain · 26/12/2018 19:50

I’ve been married 27 years.

If I had found the messages and pictures you’ve seen I’d be devastated; the marriage would be over.

LaughingCow99 · 26/12/2018 19:50

It's clearly an emotional affair and sending the pics you describe just reinforce something physical would likely have happened if she lived closer.

You can't unknown what you know.

I think the hardest part is trying to reconcile what you have read with the man you thought you knew. When my ex and I split, he said he'd been unhappy for years. I looked at him dumbfounded. He hadn't cheated but he'd totally deceived me. I told him I don't know who he is any more, and meant it.

What do you want to do? If you don't know, maybe suggest he stay away for a few days so you can process everything.

maximumcarnage · 26/12/2018 19:50

Yes it is. Unless friendship means we are obligated to exchange pornographic pictures and go into exhausting detail about what we’d do to each other to satisfy each other sexually. In which case totally cool.

I am sorry however. No one wants to read and see material of that nature about our so called loving partners. Must be deeply upsetting.

I’d be inclined to make copies of everything or as much as you can. Establish dates. When it started happening etc. Then think about what you feel. What you want.

You’ll probably want to confront him. Don’t let him try to explain it away. Don’t let him tell you it wasn’t cheating, it was and is. It’s not a mistake. Not a moment of madness. A drunken silliness. The fact you’ve been having herapy already doesn’t bode well. Hence having copies. Divorce and a clean break to meet someone who respects and loves you might be a very serious option for you. Best of luck however.

RedLife · 26/12/2018 19:50

Pretty much already cheating. Boot him out you can't trust him now. So sorry.

NicoAndTheNiners · 26/12/2018 19:51

You need to take photos of all the messages before he gets back. Now.

HolyMountain · 26/12/2018 19:52

Meant to say it must be awful to discover this ,look after yourself.

BifsWif · 26/12/2018 19:53

I think for now, you need to get a copy of those messages. I think they’ll disappear if you confront him.

Take screenshots and think carefully about what you want to happen next. It’s an emotional affair at the very least.

Has he every mentioned this ‘friend’ to you?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/12/2018 19:53

All the time and effort he is putting into her is time and effort he is stealing from you. This. It's an affair. Print the messages out and present them to him when he returns.

Ragaroo · 26/12/2018 19:54

I made a similar discovery recently, apart from the fact it has happened 2 years ago when my DS was 1yo, and the texting only lasted a couple of weeks. My DH sent 2 dick pics. We had been having a difficult time this year anyway and this discovery made me doubt everything. I then discovered I was pregnant. We worked through it... he said he just felt neglected at the time. So I have tried to be a better wife since. But I always feel the need now to snoop if I get the chance and it's a horrible existence. Yes, it is cheating. But, it is forgivable IF YOU think it is. It all depends on the situation, but I would confront him and get his side of the story. If it sounds like what my husband said, maybe one last chance is worth a shot. But I've learnt that you can never 100% trust anyone but yourself and if a man will cheat, he'll cheat. You can't stop it, you can prevent it, but look after yourself in the meantime.

Noonemournsthewicked · 26/12/2018 19:55

Definitely an emotional affair.
However:
Identify what it is that is upsetting you, is it the secrecy or the intimacy?
Sounds like for him it is escapism and fantasy and he has no plans to act it out.
Whether that makes a difference is up to you.

Ragaroo · 26/12/2018 19:55

Also, do what I did... screenshot everything and email it all to yourself. Should back up at a divorce ever be needed.

Original poster
Whymewhynowwhyhim · 26/12/2018 19:56

I don't knows if it makes it any better, but apart from her sending a few of her breasts, which he apparently 'really' liked, most of what they sent to each other was porn for the other to enjoy.

They seem to have 'enjoyed it together.

Just makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 26/12/2018 19:57

Do you have friends who you send 1000's of messages to, talk about your relationship and send porn pictures to?

Technically he may not have had sex, but he's put her centre of his energy and attention for months.

I couldn't put up with this for one second, but it is up to you.

RyderWhiteSwan · 26/12/2018 20:03

How revolting. We never really know anyone, do we?

user1479305498 · 26/12/2018 20:04

guys doing this are such sad bastards, anything for a quick ego buzz/wank fodder and the woman is a disgrace, probably bored and lonely. OP, I would suggest the following, a Facebook message to him saying 'as FB appears to be your preferred form of communication with random women these days, please take this as notice of our separation , you can either communicate via FB or do the decent thing and discuss face to face'.

importantkath · 26/12/2018 20:07

There was a thread recently where the OP added herself to their chat and waited...

Boohooyouho · 26/12/2018 20:16

I have loads of close male friends. We have never sent each other porn or talked about having sex with each other. We do sometimes tell each other we love and miss each other as we rarely see each other these days, our families and jobs have gotten in the way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the sex talk and porn takes it over the line from friendship imo

Petalflowers · 26/12/2018 20:17

Definitely an emotional affair.

I think maybe I could get over it if it were a friendship,that had developed a bit too far. However, sending the pornographic images, and communicating as often as they have done, is a step too far. Definitely get copies of all the communication.

When you confront him, it may see it as a bit of fantasy, but it’s more serious than that, and has definantly crossed a boundary.

Ilikeknitting · 26/12/2018 20:20

Get screen shots of the cyber-sex and photos before anything else.

In my opinion, both cyber-sex and photos are cheating. If you’re ever in any doubt as to whether your actions are cheating or not ask yourself “would I be happy if my partner was doing this”? Or “would I do this in front of my partner”? I take it hehas kept this secrecy because he knows he is cheating.

Whether youstay together or not is up to you, but don’t be a mug. Leopards rarely change.

MakeLemonade · 26/12/2018 20:21

Absolutely an affair. As previous posters have highlighted, he can’t be ‘in’ your relationship with all of this affection/time etc being directed at her.

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