Found messages and don't know what to think - friends or affair?

[Whymewhynowwhyhim]

I never thought I would be writing this sort of thread, and have name changed.

Married 25 years, happy although we have had our issues and have been going to couple therapy.

DH is out today, picked up to go to his hobby and I noticed a notification come up on his laptop which he'd forgotten to shut down. I knew he played games online and had a few online friends. I hadn't thought anything of it.

The message was from Facebook and one of his 'friends'. I shouldn't have, but I snooped. And have spent hours reading and I'm stunned and shocked.

There are literally thousands of messages over the last few months from one woman. They speak every day it seems, often when he first wakes up and goes to sleep.

Messages ending with kisses. Talking about their relationships, she seems to be married as well but lives abroad. Talking about how they are 'important' to each other, and care for each other.

I could maybe think that was just a close friendship, maybe. They have never met, I know that, but they have daily sent pornographic images to each other, there are graphic descriptions of things they would do if they met. I also think they may have spoken in person, but I can't access Skype as it's on his phone.

I just don't know what to think. He's never been the type to cheat, we have had our issues but I thought we had a good marriage.

Is this an affair? He has never said he loved her, and they seem to have talked about meeting up but he said 'it was a line he couldn't cross'.

I feel numb. I've gone out, sitting in the car just because I have no idea what to say when I see him.

Op - there are different ways to look at it.
I am sure - for him it’s a fantasy. It’s not real because she lives far and they won’t meet. This makes it safer.

Sometimes people get bored and stagnant in a long relationship. And want something to shake them, thrill them. Even if it’s imaginary.
At least it’s imaginary.

Has he been open in counselling about what he is missing from life?

Many people would tell you to leave. However, if you want to try to work on the marriage - do look at Esther Perel’s talks and her book.
It may give you a way to look at marriages and their evolution over time.

Definitely an affair. He is spending a lot of his time, for months on end, investing in another woman. The excitement is probably addictive to him. I bet he’ll minimise by saying it was just done out of boredom and meant nothing. You wouldn’t send thousands of messages to someone you hadn’t developed real feelings for.
She must have no shame either if she’s also in a relationship and knows your Dp is married but thinks it’s ok to send pictures of her boobs. I’m sure her husband would be utterly horrified

Sorry you are having to go thru this. I would need time to process and think clearly about what I had seen. Perhaps go to bed early with a headache tonight to give yourself time to think about how YOU feel comfortable raising the subject with him and what YOU want to do about it. Meantime get photo's of some of the messages, as denial of any messages ever existing is can be the first go-to option for people that do this.

The thing is, he's obviously contented himsef with setting a line and not crossing it, and he thinks he can be easy in his own mind that if he doesn't cross that line (meeting up) then he's done nothing wrong. However that means fuck all as you may have an entirely different line as to what is acceptable and reasonable for your husband of 25 years to do, and your level of acceptable probably doesn't include mutual online wank sessions and exchanging pictures of each others bits! To say nothing of the general emotional infidelity of confiding in her over you, and squandering all the energy that should be directed towards you. He's also pissing all over your couples therapy by hiding something of this magnitude, which makes the whole therapy thing a sham.

I'd be tempted to wait til the next session and bring it up then. But I would also be tempted to leave him, as he is behaving like a massive prick. I'm so sorry.

Would he be happy for you to message another man?

If they met up, do you think it would be a polite handshake or straight up to a room?

I'd be carving his bits off with a blunt spoon

I think you know the answer to your question...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You must feel physically sick. This is not ok. In any way, shape or form. You need to tell him what you know. Definitely do as others have advised and take screen shots of the conversation. If you don't and you ask him about it, he'll delete the messages and then work on you, telling you that it's not what it seems or it wasn't cheating etc etc. You will need to come back to those messages to reread and remind yourself that you're not blowing this out of all proportion and that you're not over reacting.

I hate to say but I imagine they've used other platforms too rather than just messenger.

Sending a massive hug 🤗 right now because this is awful, an absolute betrayal.