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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband ended marriage after 20 years

36 replies

Charlies46 · 26/12/2018 18:54

Hi, I have never posted on here but looking for some advice and support as I don’t know where to turn to.
I have been married for 20 years and known dh for 23 years. It’s not been easy and he has had 2 flings I know of, one of them resulting in a child who is now 16 -he doesn’t see her as he is not one not bit interested but this all happened when my kids were small, I have have 2 kids who are now 19 and 21 and still living at home as they are studying and working.

Dh suggested a few months ago that he wasn’t happy in the marriage and that if things didn’t improve on my part then he will be looking elsewhere. He says I’m no fun anymore and that he’s had enough of me in a mood all the time and shouting etc.
The reality of this is that I am feeling dead from the shoulders upwards and below the waist. This is culminated from years of mental abuse and manipulation he has knocked everything out of me and knocked the fight out of me, I feel like a nobody and I feel like I’m walked over all the time. I thought I was happy but a few years ago I left him as I could not take his mental abuse anymore he was sorry and begged me to take him back, I did and for a few years sick then he’s a changed man, or so I thought.

Going back to the discussion regarding him being unhappy well, he wanted me to change, to stand up for myself and get a life and become Independentandnot to rely on him for happiness,but this has grown from habit as he used to control everything I did and when I was invited anywhere it was easier to say no rather than him trying to psyche me out about going out with friends. Subsequently they stopped inviting me.

A year ago I gave up my job in nursing to help him with his business but it hasn’t worked out and I dont have a contract but Woking agency shifts when they come up. Now I am regretting this decision by hope to pick up something more permanent soon. A few weeks ago he started going out with a mate he met up with from school and he stays at his house overnight so he can have a drink - he used to do this when he cheated on me , he denies totally that this is going on however im convinced there is somehthi going on and him saying the marriage is over as he wants to meet someone who will give him attention- this sounds like a cover up for what he has hidden. He wants me to fight for the marriage but how can I when he says he doesn’t love me in that way anymore ?
A lot of his talks with me have also involved my kids who are adults but I feel a little outnumbered as I think he is trying to make me out to be stupid and at fault in front of them - please help !!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/12/2018 18:57

Cut him loose

It's not too late to get out from under this disgusting individual

This is not a "fight" you can ever win

RyderWhiteSwan · 26/12/2018 19:02

Lose him - and find yourself.

Canthearthroughmyglasses · 26/12/2018 19:21

He sound very selfish. He has clearly found someone else and is playing the script. I hope someone can Copy paste it in here for you. You will find yourself again and then you will wonder why you allowed someone like him to treat you this way. Be kind to yourself x

Jack65 · 26/12/2018 19:24

You might feel a bit lonely sometimes on your own, but a lot less so than you feel now.

duckthisshit · 26/12/2018 19:26

I think this could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You can do so much better, you know this. You're not happy, can't trust him..what have you got to lose? Fuck him and his mind games right off.

Original poster
Charlies46 · 26/12/2018 20:05

Thanks for your comments , Yes I have given up trying to win, he wants me to fight for the marriage but I’ve fought for him twice before - it’s not happening again, he thinks that just because he fought for me a few years ago when I left him he thinks that I should be doing the same and it doesn’t work like that. I still think he has someone in the background but will not admit it - he’s waiting for me to finalise his decision so that he can blame me for the breakdown - that’s why he has the kids involved as they are witness to him saying he’s not happy with me - again I will get the blame if I don’t fight - the kids don’t know about his 2 affairs, they know they have a half sister, but don’t know the full story as he cheated on me , he said they me and him had split up at the time to make him look good Angry

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 26/12/2018 21:48

The next time he says anything in front of the DC just bring up the 2 affairs, they're old enough to know. Or you could just tell them the truth anyway. They might even surprise you by already recognising his behaviour.

I strongly suspect he's got someone else and is settling you up. You don't need this loser. Good luck.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2018 21:53

I’d tell him that it’s not fair of him to stay if you’re making him so unhappy. You’ve fought for him twice and it’s not working out now for him so best wrap everything up. Sell up split the proceeds & go your separate ways.

letsdolunch321 · 26/12/2018 21:55

Why you happier as a person when you split up previously?

I agree let the dc know he has previously had two affairs. They may not see him in such a good light once they know.

Make sure when he leaves he takes everything with him, none of this leaving stuff for him to pop back and collect. He is treating you like a fool, I would bet he has a bit of skirt lined up already.

Unescorted · 26/12/2018 21:57

This is your lucky day. Ask him to close he door on the way out.

Who cares what he thinks....and your kids are old enough to see the reality of the situation. They will know what happened for them to have a half sibling ,...they will just not be mentioning it because you have chosen to not say anything.

WinterSunglasses · 26/12/2018 22:00

Agree it's time to tell the kids he has had affairs before, and now you've had enough. A better life is waiting.

Doobee · 27/12/2018 00:21

Tell the kids the truth. Then ditch this arsehole. Fight for him? Is he 12? So immature when people say stuff like that. That alone says it’s all about him wanting attention. If it was me I’d say “you’ve had affairs, cheated, got a kid by somebody else and you want me to fight for you? You’re not the King of England dude. Bye bye”

MsDogLady · 27/12/2018 02:22

You deserve so much more than life with this pathetic person. He threatens to “go elsewhere” ? Tell him to go right ahead and show him the door. You don’t have to dance to his tune.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/12/2018 03:24

Pack his stuff for him, and wave him off lady, you deserve tenfold better than this sleazy prick Flowers

Sally2791 · 27/12/2018 07:23

Let him go and thank your lucky stars that you are free of this nasty manipulative man

Original poster
Charlies46 · 27/12/2018 15:14

Again everyone thanks for your support, I only realised on Xmas day that I really thought there was someone else on the scene, you all know what it’s like when you ring your relatives I phoned my mum and dad from the kitchen as it was noisy in the lounge and then he went upstairs to the bedroom to phone his mother which is unusual for him - I went upstairs 10 mins later to get changed and he went mad and said it was a private conversation with his mum ??? I think I caught him unaware and I have a feeling he was on the phone to someone else. He said his mother said happy Xmas and thought it would have been awkward to talk to me?? I challenged him for weird behaviour but then he starts getting defensive and shouting so I back down and let him get on with it, i now know he’s guilty as sin Angry he handed me a bin bag full of rubbish with wrapping paper etc that was in his wardrobe, I had other stuff to tip so put it all in the car and went to bin it at the tip - I just found 3 receipts for perfume that he bought me for Xmas but he bought 2 and a clutch bag - he’s not bought it for anyone else I know as I bought all my daughters Xmas presents and he certainly didn’t get it for his mother as I wrapped her presents for him to give to her !!
So when I confront him about all this and it will be soon then I’m going to throw the perfume back in his face and tell him that I don’t want to smell like his cheap bit on the side !!! he’s bought one for me and one for her the same perfume! They were dated the week after he told me it was over and he wanted to look elsewhere - well I’m one week he’s struck up a relationship with someone else enough to buy perfume and a bag ????? This has definitely been going on for longer... I have to bide my time to confront him as he is very manipulative and thinks he’s clever and it has to be the right time for me when I have the strength to do this , like I said he has sucked the strength right out of me because of his mind games,

OP posts:
Grammar · 27/12/2018 15:21

Tell him, he's not worth fighting for.

Thehop · 27/12/2018 15:30

Are the children on your side? Who owns the house?

Can you have a chat with a solicitor?

Original poster
Charlies46 · 27/12/2018 16:23

To Thehop ... the kids are stuck in the middle they have a good relationship with their dad and me but they don’t understand why I am not fighting to save this - I’m going to have to sit them down and tell them the real truth and what I have found but dh thinks he has 2 things on me (don’t know what) and threatened something against me if I tell them the real truth about how their half sister really came about and the second time he cheated - but it looks now like a third time
The house is in joint names we only moved in 6 months ago - it’s a small mortgage but if I could pick up a permanent position then I may be able to buy him out and keep the house - not sure yet, it’s ironic but he’s a financial advisor

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 27/12/2018 16:28

Such a weak coward , has to turn everything on you rather than admit his faults.

Original poster
Charlies46 · 27/12/2018 16:38

Yes that’s what he is like, he calls me weak all the time but really he’s relaying his weakness on to me , I’ve kept quiet about this for too long to suit him Angry

OP posts:
Beautyandthe · 27/12/2018 17:05

Sounds like he is having an affair.
A grown, middle aged man does not stay the night at a friends house after having a drink on a regular basis.

Sounds like you would be better with out him. What is there to fight for?

Fight for yourself. Your career. Make new friends and start new activities, put yourself first.

Original poster
Charlies46 · 27/12/2018 17:17

@beautyandthe thanks for your comments I know I’m not going mad as that’s the way he makes me feel when I have challenged this before about sleeping at a mates house it all seems so wrong, it’s become more regular now once a week on a Friday or Saturday. The kids know and are pleased that he is getting friends as he’s never had any really but I don’t know what they ‘really ‘ think
I’ve started to make friends and I have joined a fitness class already before Xmas and they socialise too so this is the start of getting rid of him for good Smile

OP posts:
Beautyandthe · 27/12/2018 19:06

Good luck to you.
You will feel better once he is out of your house and you are free & independent.

I have been in a long term relationship and was repeatedly cheated on. They don't change.

DaffydownClock · 27/12/2018 19:16

Just tell him he's flattering himself and sadly mistaken if he thinks you should 'fight for him', no one who behaves like him is worth it.

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