Husband ended marriage after 20 years

[Charlies46]

Hi, I have never posted on here but looking for some advice and support as I don’t know where to turn to.
I have been married for 20 years and known dh for 23 years. It’s not been easy and he has had 2 flings I know of, one of them resulting in a child who is now 16 -he doesn’t see her as he is not one not bit interested but this all happened when my kids were small, I have have 2 kids who are now 19 and 21 and still living at home as they are studying and working.

Dh suggested a few months ago that he wasn’t happy in the marriage and that if things didn’t improve on my part then he will be looking elsewhere. He says I’m no fun anymore and that he’s had enough of me in a mood all the time and shouting etc.
The reality of this is that I am feeling dead from the shoulders upwards and below the waist. This is culminated from years of mental abuse and manipulation he has knocked everything out of me and knocked the fight out of me, I feel like a nobody and I feel like I’m walked over all the time. I thought I was happy but a few years ago I left him as I could not take his mental abuse anymore he was sorry and begged me to take him back, I did and for a few years sick then he’s a changed man, or so I thought.

Going back to the discussion regarding him being unhappy well, he wanted me to change, to stand up for myself and get a life and become Independentandnot to rely on him for happiness,but this has grown from habit as he used to control everything I did and when I was invited anywhere it was easier to say no rather than him trying to psyche me out about going out with friends. Subsequently they stopped inviting me.

A year ago I gave up my job in nursing to help him with his business but it hasn’t worked out and I dont have a contract but Woking agency shifts when they come up. Now I am regretting this decision by hope to pick up something more permanent soon. A few weeks ago he started going out with a mate he met up with from school and he stays at his house overnight so he can have a drink - he used to do this when he cheated on me , he denies totally that this is going on however im convinced there is somehthi going on and him saying the marriage is over as he wants to meet someone who will give him attention- this sounds like a cover up for what he has hidden. He wants me to fight for the marriage but how can I when he says he doesn’t love me in that way anymore ?
A lot of his talks with me have also involved my kids who are adults but I feel a little outnumbered as I think he is trying to make me out to be stupid and at fault in front of them - please help !!

Knowledge is power. You've got this OP. If he ever brings things up in front of the kids I'd have it all out on the table. Their half sister, his other affairs etc all of it. Then they can make what they want out of it

You are not what he calls you. You are not stupid. Nor weak.

You may not be feeling fun, because your marriage is destroying your spirit. I am only saying what I have picked from your OP, not trying to hurt you in any way.

Charlies 46 you have been through a grinder. I know something about that.

Why on earth and in heaven would you fight for him? You are very lucky you have professional training and can find work. You say you can buy him out of the mortgage. Your kids are young adults, don't protect him to spare him from them knowing the truth. Would they like to know their half-sister?

Take those receipts and return the perfume. Quietly. Open up a separate and sole bank account in a bank your other accounts are not near. Your husband is a financial planner so you need to get your ducks in a row.

Please look to pleasing yourself. You are not a verbal and emotional punching bag.

He betrayed your trust, broke his vows, cares for himself first.

Best of luck and be strong in moving into your future.

Have you ever been in love? It doesn't sound like it... this was never love

Although I do think he's having an affair, could the other perfume and bag be for the 16 yr old daughter? Be prepared for that answer in any case

I would have dumped him years ago. Chuck him out and start living!

Your New Years resolution is to get yourself to a solicitors and file for a divorce... Don't tell him but when he's at his ' mates' pack, no, dump all his stuff in black bags and put outside. Text him his stuff us outside. Don't answer phone when he rings and tell your grown up DC what an arsehole he's been mention 16 yr old daughter by another woman and tell them you need to be free of your husband after so many years of abuse. They are old enough to look after themselves and should be mature enough to understand your feelings. Tell them you love them but you have decided what YOU are going to do and that is not to spend another minute in a loveless marriage ( or one sided marriage.) Do it, and do it now before you end up a nervous wreck. You deserve better. Believe in yourself!

@thewisewomansfear do you know a long time ago I thought I was in love but he has slowly killed off the marriage, I keep thinking everything will be okay and another chapter of our life starts following his affairs, at the end of it I have been brushing all of this under the carpet and not looking at the real picture and what’s really happening under my nose, he’s take the p out of me for far too long

@usefulchianti thanks 🙏 the kids know already about the half sister and my daughter has met her and they got on very well, she also met her grandmother for the first time too, we all thought things would work out well, but what DH did was lie about the circumstances - he said to the kids we were split up at the time when he was with her - which is totally not true, we were together and he had an affair, i e kept quiet about this to the kids to protect him from looking bad on the kids, as for the half sister, her mother put a stop to everything DH wasn’t interested in a relationship with his DD and so my MIL and my DD saw her , My MIL was giving presents etc when she saw her, her mother accused my MIL of being ‘fake’ and didn’t want her or my husband to have anything to do with her at all, my DD does not see her now and my DH is not interested at all, I’ve encouraged a relationship between them as it’s not the poor girls fault - it’s his problem that he doesn’t want. I don’t think the perfume is for her at all as I wouldn’t have thought the perfume he bought was for a young girl it’s more for a mature woman.

"A lot of his talks with me have also involved my kids who are adults but I feel a little outnumbered as I think he is trying to make me out to be stupid and at fault in front of them - please help !!"

This stuck out to me from your OP. Your concern for your kids is admirable, but at their age and under these circumstances, you need to let this fear go.

The truth will set you free. Even if the kids (young adults) don't want you to divorce, well, that's not your problem. They will be leaving the nest at some point. What better way to prepare them than seeing their mother not beaten down and hiding from life.

I'm glad you are starting to socialize again with your exercise class. Perhaps you could reconnect with your friends as well.

Look to your future, what do you see? Life with a cheater, liar, father to a child he discarded? You need a prize and it's not him.

I can't/don't want to tell you what to do, just think and get peace with your decision. You're in a good place to start afresh if you like- training, job, adult children, and insight. Best wishes Charlies.

He's blaming you and marriage is two ways. Its testament to you trying to make it work that you've stayed despite the flings. It doesn't say much about him that he had a child but never showed any interest. Sad for that other child. Sad for you. Sad for him that he isn't satisfied. Marriages need work and I'm no marriage expert!