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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave my husband but I don't know how

35 replies

Doormat30 · 26/12/2018 16:41

NC because people know me on here

I am going to look like such an idiot.
I have been together with DH for 10 years but married for 8 months. Since we got married he has become increasingly more difficult to live with, then this got worse after I went back to work after mat leave about 5 months ago.

I work a 60 hour a week job, which I love but it requires a lot of planning to get things done and often requires me logging on after DC is in bed. But he expects me to do everything I did on mat leave; the cleaning, all the nursery runs, keeping on top of the laundry and ironing, the childcare, bathtime routines, night wake ups (DD still wakes up around 7 times a night - 4 on a really good night). If I ask for help e.g. to do bath and bedtime because I have a deadline, he will throw a strop and tells me I need to quit my job.

He never says anything nice to me anymore unless he wants sex. Instead he calls me a crap mother, useless, paranoid (!). Take today for example, I forgot to pay the nursery fees for January with the chaos of organising Christmas solo and having no help with DC whatsoever even though the Christmas excitement has made it way more difficult. I haven't had a single second to myself (which I don't begrudge, after working so many hours, I want to spend time as a family because I know it's all going to kick off as soon as I'm back), but he has kept himself locked in another room the whole of Christmas on his laptop. And yet, he called me lazy and useless. "It's my one job and I can't even do that right".

He just makes me feel so useless and stupid all the time. I just cry all the time and I hate coming home to him. We tried a separation about 2 months ago when he slapped me but DC missed him too much so I ended up moving back in.

I need to go but I don't know how. I can't afford rent in this part of the country (DH pays all rent, CT, bills etc). After nursery fees, I don't even make enough to cover the cost of food. I have around £2k put aside in savings. My nearest relative lives 200 miles away and I have a 3 month notice period in my job.

OP posts:
user1483972886 · 26/12/2018 16:45

He sounds a loser.
Make a plan to leave him.
Good luck xx

ISdads · 26/12/2018 16:45

You can do this. Just take your time and plan. Have you looked into benefits, including housing benefit? I was surprised I qualified, but I did. You can even start claiming while sharing the house if you are separated permanently.

mummmy2017 · 26/12/2018 16:47

If your doing 60 hours when do you see your children?

haverhill · 26/12/2018 16:48

Yes, look into the benefits you may be entitled to as a matter of urgency.
Slapping is physical abuse. You need to leave as soon as practicable. Good luck.

ASAS · 26/12/2018 16:49

Trust me, if you're doing a 60 hour week on broken sleep you can pull your mental resources to leave. DC doesn't miss him when he's locked in his laptop room?

Original poster
Doormat30 · 26/12/2018 17:00

Mummy2017, very rarely. I get an hour in the morning whilst we are getting ready and an hour after doing bedtime. On a Sunday afternoon I work but in the living room, that kind of thing.

Where do I even begin? I'm also afraid as he is from abroad that he will take dc and just go one day (dc only has British citizenship though)

OP posts:
Original poster
Doormat30 · 26/12/2018 17:25

I've just taken dd to bed because she's unwell and he's walked in and announced he's spent all our money on online gambling and I'm treating him like shit. I literally haven't said anything.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 26/12/2018 17:28

Are your parents still alive? Where are they if so?

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 17:31

Could you move in with family or friends whilst you come up with a plan? He sounds like he will never change too set in his ways! Get out now while your still sane!

ImNotKitten · 26/12/2018 17:35

Do you have any close friends or family? I would take in my friend or family member in a heartbeat if I knew they were in this situation.

Do you feel able to report his assault? This could be helpful if he tries to arrange unsupervised contact with the DC and the fact you are escaping domestic violence opens up other doors in terms of emergency housing entitlement.

Original poster
Doormat30 · 26/12/2018 17:36

They are both still alive. I am in South London and they are in Yorkshire. I don't know how I would go about moving though because I would still need to work out my 3 month notice period but where would I live in the meantime? He's going to cut me off financially if I go, he's told me this time and time again, so I would have no job and no money. I just feel so trapped

OP posts:
Jack65 · 26/12/2018 17:40

Get some legal advice from a family solicitor. You can seperate and divorce whilst living in the family home.

Ffswtf · 26/12/2018 17:41

Oh my goodness OP from all you've said I can't see what you're getting from this relationship?? You're doing so much of the heavy lifting would life as a single parent not be easier since you wouldn't have a sorry excuse for a man weighing you down! Get all your ducks in row, paperwork, trusted family/friends on side, benefits, etc. Speak to women's aid and solicitor for advice. Just putting a plan into place will give you a brighter vision of your future. Much love to you Flowers

DillyDilly · 26/12/2018 17:41

Would it be at all possible to leave now with your child and go stay with your parents. Explain to your employers that you’ve been physically assualted by your husband, he’s a gambling addiction and you feel in-safe and need to get away.

ReturnfromtheStars · 26/12/2018 17:42

Talk to your job, they might be helpful in this situation. Is your line manager someone you can trust? I knew a lot of people with 3 month notice who negotiated it down to 1 month. Is it a big company and could you transfer to Yorkshire?

Mummy0ftwo12 · 26/12/2018 17:49

I agree you really don't need to work your 3 month notice period.

BayandBlonde · 26/12/2018 17:51

I second having a word with your employer. If I went to my boss with this he would probably loan me what I needed to make the break and get myself straight. (My job is S London based but I live in Herts)

Have a look at moving outside of the M25 where property is a touch cheaper and you can still easily commute into work.

And I would most defiantly quietly start making plans to leave.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 26/12/2018 17:56

You don't need to work a 3 month notice period just leave. Take the kids go to your parents and plan from there. You can claim child tax and JSA etc. You don't have to live like this. Just go Thanks

Original poster
Doormat30 · 26/12/2018 18:02

We've come to my mum's for boxing day. We are supposed to be staying here until the 28th and then flying out to his family for new years. I'm tempted to tell him to go home tomorrow and go abroad without us. I feel bad for his family though. Mil is as mad as a matter but a doting grandmother and I can't fault her for that. She's really excited to see dc again

OP posts:
ISdads · 26/12/2018 18:03

Alternatively, you could use the 3 month notice period (dont tell him, get work post redirected)to save and prepare to leave/even apply for other jobs
Beware his debts becoming joint debts. Cab can advise on this.

Original poster
Doormat30 · 26/12/2018 18:03

Mad as a hatter. Autocorrect

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 26/12/2018 18:13

He sounds emotionally and financially abusive.

Would the gp sign you off sick for this to cover your notice period?

You need to have all the dcs important documents- birth certificates, passports and go send them to your parents or a trusted friend now.

Good luck

AJPTaylor · 26/12/2018 18:17

Ok.
Things to think about.
Your contract says 3 months notice. Genuinely that is not always possible.Have a think about that. Would work be reasonable about it if needs be? Could you get work near your parents? Does not have to be forever, but you need to think of the simplest way to stop being where you are.
Tell him to go to his family on his own. Give yourself some space.

DrBlackbird · 26/12/2018 18:25

OP you do need to leave (you know this already), but please be careful. This man has all the hallmarks of being controlling/abusive. Classic symptoms to become more controlling in the relationship after dependency increases (after marriage, after having a child together). The more subtle methods are the critical comments that undermine your confidence and destroy your self worth. Using money to control your behaviour is another.The pretty obvious ones are physical... Often when you leave, the abuse escalates. So plan carefully and quietly. Go without telling him when / where. You have been given some good advice here eg to report the slap, report your concerns about a possible abduction, and see a solicitor. Just don't tell him. Your DC might miss him. But you do not want them to grow up thinking this is what loves looks like do you?

DrBlackbird · 26/12/2018 18:29

Do not fly out to his parents! The MiL may well be doting but she's still part of the problem. She brought up a controlling abusive son... Come up with an excuse like a DC is ill?

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