I want to leave my husband but I don't know how

[Doormat30]

NC because people know me on here

I am going to look like such an idiot.
I have been together with DH for 10 years but married for 8 months. Since we got married he has become increasingly more difficult to live with, then this got worse after I went back to work after mat leave about 5 months ago.

I work a 60 hour a week job, which I love but it requires a lot of planning to get things done and often requires me logging on after DC is in bed. But he expects me to do everything I did on mat leave; the cleaning, all the nursery runs, keeping on top of the laundry and ironing, the childcare, bathtime routines, night wake ups (DD still wakes up around 7 times a night - 4 on a really good night). If I ask for help e.g. to do bath and bedtime because I have a deadline, he will throw a strop and tells me I need to quit my job.

He never says anything nice to me anymore unless he wants sex. Instead he calls me a crap mother, useless, paranoid (!). Take today for example, I forgot to pay the nursery fees for January with the chaos of organising Christmas solo and having no help with DC whatsoever even though the Christmas excitement has made it way more difficult. I haven't had a single second to myself (which I don't begrudge, after working so many hours, I want to spend time as a family because I know it's all going to kick off as soon as I'm back), but he has kept himself locked in another room the whole of Christmas on his laptop. And yet, he called me lazy and useless. "It's my one job and I can't even do that right".

He just makes me feel so useless and stupid all the time. I just cry all the time and I hate coming home to him. We tried a separation about 2 months ago when he slapped me but DC missed him too much so I ended up moving back in.

I need to go but I don't know how. I can't afford rent in this part of the country (DH pays all rent, CT, bills etc). After nursery fees, I don't even make enough to cover the cost of food. I have around £2k put aside in savings. My nearest relative lives 200 miles away and I have a 3 month notice period in my job.

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

www.gov.uk/government/news/new-definition-of-domestic-violence

Also, don't leave the country with dd. What if they won't let her back?

What country are you supposed to be flying to?
If it isn't part of the Hague convention, I would STRONGLY suggest neither you or DC go, as he may take the child and refuse to leave.

Seriously, don't go. You could be trapped there for life. Send him, you stay with your parents and see a solicitor tomorrow recommended by Women's Aid. He is clearly financially, physically and emotionally abusive.

Just leave. If need be, you can get a 2 bed flat and an au pair to do day care pick ups. Sounds like the STBEx brings nothing to your life except money and stress.

It's a European country. I would hope that dd has my name and not his would make things easier of we did travel but I can't see myself going. I just feel this is it now. I am devistated

Do not leave the country with the kids and this man - where are their passports?

You have a very real chance to leave now. Tell him to set off without you, find an excuse, then keep the kids with you. When he either leaves the country or gets back to your home whichever is first, text him and tell him its over and then stick to it.

You are at serious risk; stay with your parents. Ring the National Domestic Violence line and get advice, book a solicitor in Yorkshire on Monday, call your boss explain some of what's happened. Please don't miss this chance and make things even worse by leaving the country with the children.

English National Domestic Violence Helpline
0808 2000 247
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

I would not be going on holiday with him, that would be madness, as you have realised that he may take your child and not let them fly back to the uk with you.
I would use this opportunity where you have your parents as back up to tell him to leave.

Do not leave the country! Say that DD has norovirus or chicken pox. Such a shame she can’t fly. Tell him to go without you. He can’t just decide to cut you off financially. There are laws for that. It’s called child maintenance and they take it directly from his wages. He doesn’t get to decide what you do or don’t get. Tomorrow ring and get an urgent solicitor appointment. File residency for the kids so he can’t just fly abroad with them. If it was me, I’d be shredding their passports so no chance of them being taken. Stay at your parents, forget the job. Claim all the benefits you can plus a maintenance claim and start divorcing this arsehole

You know what the right thing to do is. I was where you are in 2012. I could not fathom how I could leave. But I did. You need to keep planning and visualising your life away from your DH. You won’t believe how much happier you will be in your own little home without him to bring you down.

I felt awful about the deceipt when I left my husband - I’d had to lie to him in the months leading up to my escape. It is very very hard to do - but you can do it. I know you can.

Keep posting here and you will have support from all corners of the world.

Can you fake that a parent is ill and you need to go to stay with them urgently. Would give you some time away from work and space to get your head straight while you stay with parents and make a plan. I had a job where I did not want anyone to know (professional and conservative). I also took some sick leave from work to plan my escape during the hours my three young DCs were in nursery (Eg made budgets, priced up items I would need, photocopied documents, looked ar accomodation, went to see counsellor) - I used to sit in the local IKEA cafe and make lists for hours.

I did have a great gp who referred me to an equally great counsellor. I also told my parents (who live in another country but came to help me secretly set up new accomodation and gave me financial and emotional backing). Without this support I would not have left.

I just know you are going to break free and you are going to feel overjoyed when you do! You can do this I know you can. Keep posting here for support.

Also - I don’t need to tell you - Do not let him leave the country with your DC. You must stay with your child. If you don’t go there will be other times you can see MiL when the dust settles. Please put yourself and your child first.