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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My other half has just left me

37 replies

TwinkleMerrick · 26/12/2018 14:57

Boxing Day and I'm alone with a 7 month old. My DP has just left me. We have been on the rocks for a while. Ever since I got pregnant actually. I called him out and asked what was stopping him leaving me and he said our baby and what other people would think of him. Not 'I don't want to hurt you'. Anyway I told him we could work all that stuff out. To be honest our relationship was doomed from the start, he was going through a divorce when we met. He has all sorts of issues like addiction and massive debts, I have been trying to help him work through it but I'm always confronted with a attitude. Anyway, he has just left and I'm alone....any tips on how to get through the rest of the season without falling apart? Thanks xx

OP posts:
missbee90 · 26/12/2018 15:05

Hi Twinklemerrick,

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you sound like you’ve got your head together and pretty strong.

I think you need to decide if you want to try and salvage the relationship, take some time and see how you feel. His issues are not yours to stress yourself about, like the age old saying .. you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink! No matter how much you try and help someone they can only help themselves.

My STBX left me in July, no children but we were together 11 years and married a year.. no reason for the break up he just decided one day he didn’t think he loved me in the right way and wanted to go and test the single life .. 8 weeks after he was seeing someone else (similar to your ex he has issues that he won’t deal with) He refuses to open up and says counselling is for “weak people”.. personally I think walking out on your wife without even talking to her is weaker but hey ho!

Focus on yourself and your beautiful baby, take each day as it comes and surround yourself with people that love you and make you smile. I’m 6 months down the line and it isn’t easy, I do still miss him but then remind myself that he clearly wasn’t the person I thought he was.

Stay strong and use here to vent whenever needed xx

Canthearthroughmyglasses · 26/12/2018 15:08

Oh no that’s awful and I am sorry you are going through this. It’s so shit when partners do this. I have been through similar and it devestayed me. But I gradually got into routine and started liking my life without all the hassle that came with someone who threw me breadcrumbs. You will be ok, it will take time though. It’s something you knew was happening but it’s hard to see it unfold and then live it. But you will be ok. Try and keep busy and don’t text him unless it’s urgent regarding the baby. Take really good care of you and your lil one.

Original poster
TwinkleMerrick · 26/12/2018 15:12

Thanks guys, I'm still in a bit of shock. Not sure what I will tell people. Think I'll just hide at home for the next few days.

OP posts:
ILoveChristmasLights · 26/12/2018 15:24

I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out 💐

Be strong though, don’t take him back if he changes his mind, because you’ll only end up here again.

As to what do you say to people?! I would just say ‘We tried to make a go it when I found out I was pregnant, but we weren’t really suited, so decided it was better to go our own ways’. It’s the truth.

You will be fine. Honest x

Chamomileteaplease · 26/12/2018 15:29

My two penn'orth worth would be get as much sleep as you can (with a seven month old Smile) and spend time with friends and family who you like, over the coming days and weeks so that you feel loved and supported and hopefully positive about life and the future.

Original poster
TwinkleMerrick · 26/12/2018 15:44

Yes sleep is important atm, as baby is teething. Currently trying not to cry in front of baby, I'll have a good cry when she goes to bed. Debating texting my mum but she is visiting family and I don't want to worry her. Sucks being in my own.

OP posts:
missbee90 · 26/12/2018 15:53

Message your mum, she will want to support you xx

Original poster
TwinkleMerrick · 26/12/2018 16:05

Ok, I've messaged her. But told her not to worry. Also messaged my best mate. Now planning to watch tv whole baby sleeps on me, eat left overs and go to bed later at the same time as baby does.....early night required I think. Thanks for ur support xx

OP posts:
Veritysoul · 26/12/2018 16:10

Hi there. I know the pain you're going through...im going through the exact same thing, Well similar. Got a text off my husband today to say he loves someone else and kind of asking for my permission to be with her. We've only been together a year (but about 8 yrs prior to that)and have a young son and a baby. He went to work abroad and so we haven't really seen each other apart from a few weeks. I was due to join him and spent a small fortune getting the kids passports sorted and other bits and bobs. It feels surreal tbh. Don't know what I'm going to do, like you we were having problems but I always believed we could work through them. It probably is for the best tbh but as always, the woman in these situations is the one holding the fort at home with the man nowhere in site. He told me then said he was going for a massage. Hes only seen his newborn for a few weeks! Sorry I'm not much help but just to let you that you're not alone. As that's my worst feeling atmo...the loneliness, like you we had mutual friends who thought nothing was wrong.

Original poster
TwinkleMerrick · 26/12/2018 16:16

Veritysoul I'm so sorry to hear that......going for a massage! The cheek! I hope you have family near by that can support you. I don't know what I would do without mine. Sending u a big hug xoxo

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 26/12/2018 16:25

I left my ex when my Ds was 10 months old ( though due to his abusive behaviour.)

Babies that age are a very good distraction as they take up so much of your time .

It may be worth getting out the house tomorrow even if just for a walk and a bit of fresh air .

It may also may sound irrelevant but make sure you are taking your vitamin D . At this time of the year none of us get enough x

Veritysoul · 26/12/2018 17:40

Thanks Twinkle. I know! I Do have family but don't want to lean on them with this they've already helped so much...so they don't know yet xxx

Original poster
TwinkleMerrick · 26/12/2018 17:58

My best mate is coming to see me tomorrow, so I can have a good rant and start to try and get my head around things.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleMerrick · 26/12/2018 20:29

Baby has gone down and now I'm feeling it, I just feel so sad that once again I'm not enough For someone. I've been here b4 and I know how it ends. Nothing I say or do will change his mind because he never really loved me. I think I was a rebound after his marriage broke up. I'm such an idiot, I thought as he chose to have a baby with me he actually loved me and wouldn't leave me.

OP posts:
scubagirle1983 · 26/12/2018 20:44

I'm so sorry to hear that, I know a little how your feeling, my OH text me on Christmas Eve to say he wasn't coming back. Christmas isn't all sparkly and Shiny for a lot of people at the best of times, but that is just awful, considering you've a wee one. I feel for you. I can't offer any help or advice, cause I'm struggling myself, but always know your are not alone. And it's always good to talk xx

Veritysoul · 26/12/2018 23:10

At least you'll have company Twinkle. I lost a lot of my good friendships when I was with him so the friends I do have I don't feel close enough to share my feelings with. That's partly why I came on here. He's been with prostitutes too and I don't want that for my children. He has a very high sex drive and to be honest was a good dad when he was present but I don't think he ever really put the children first. It's about his needs being met and he would say I'm the selfish one. I think I need my head examining. He seems to be playing me off against the other woman now...a young girl with no ties. I am in bits. I should be strong enough to say no and tell him to F off. But because were still married and there's children I feel like I can't. He's said we won't be homeless. I've put as much into our house as he has but he owns it and he does take care financially of children from previous marriage but everything seems about to topple right now

Doobee · 26/12/2018 23:38

Veritysoul go see a solicitor. You’re married. I’m pretty sure you can stay in the house until the kids are grown up

Handbagsnotgladrags · 26/12/2018 23:51

I hear u. I am in asimilar situation, marriage on the rocks and we are about to separate. I’ve also heard I get to stay in the house, until DC is 18.
Keep your head held high xx

Veritysoul · 27/12/2018 09:21

Yes Doobee that's what I'm going to have to do and take comfort in the fact we have a roof over our heads and I work. Handbags sending love...It's so tough because you still have to see each other for the kids sake and there's so many emotions stirred up xx

Original poster
TwinkleMerrick · 27/12/2018 11:13

Luckily i don't share the mortgage with my now ex, I will never put a man on my mortgage for this very reason....something I have learnt the hard way! Always be financially independent because u never know when they are going to leave u. It's something I will be teaching my little baby girl. Makes me so sad that men treat women this way, we work so hard to keep everyone happy and then they shit on us.....and we have to keep going on with life while they parade around doing as they please.

OP posts:
Mousetolioness · 27/12/2018 11:36

There are some very positive things to keep everyone going. The main one in my view is that not all men are selfish and self-centred. There are good men out there -the key is to know the warning signs to look for i.e. be aware of the red flags and bide your time, don't rush in (in case the male of the species is putting on a perfect front!)

Veritysoul · 27/12/2018 12:30

True, lioness, that's how I see it too. But also that some people just are not good together. Not that they're all bad or all good🤷‍♀️

Veritysoul · 27/12/2018 12:31

I think this is what makes it hard because not many rush in and sometimes it takes years or people change what they want end etc. It does put me off full stop tbh

Veritysoul · 27/12/2018 12:34

Twinkle I don't even share that but he's said he'll pay for a solicitor to sort me having half it we sell house and can live in it as long as we need so there is that

jodietay25 · 27/12/2018 13:57

I know exactly how your feeling! My ex left me randomly because he decided he didn’t love me when we had a 5 month old .. 3 months down the line I feel a lot better! Still broken but I know I’m better off! Just keep remembering the bad times not the good times .. I know at some point my ex will try and come crawling back once he realises what he’s lost as he’s not the easiest person to be with so I can’t wait to tell him where to go! You’ll get through it atleast you have family and friends helping you! I would of crumbled without mine

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