Made the effort to see my family and feel like they don’t care about me being here

[user70193136]

Probably totally dramatic and over sensitive.

Big backstory that I don’t have the energy to type but turn up to take my sibling for a drink as arranged and am met by him and my parents saying I am ruining his Boxing Day by making him leave the house.

Just feel like giving up.

It’s so hard as the issues have come mostly from childhood. I hate them for the stuff that went on. Now? Now they are mostly ok when on neutral ground. Staying at their house is like a blast from the past of shit so I avoid that.

But it’s hard to justify cutting them off when nowadays things are ok. I just feel so much resentment.

I went to counselling first to work out why I was so sad and then CBT to try to train myself to react differently. This was by chance rather than design but was the right way round I think. Good luck with it all and in the meantime be kind to yourself. Going back was really brave I think.

I know how this feels. There is very little I can do to change things regarding their behaviour and it took me a long time to realise that I can only change how I react to my family but like you I was hurt. I hope you are ok and the above posters have brilliant advice so far. 💐

You don't have to cut them off. Just do what you do and let them do what they want. If there is little contact then that's just how it is.

Right now you need to look after you. What do you like to eat, watch, read, listen to? Treat yourself to nice things and then go home and enjoy them. Go home where you are safe and you can heal.

Thank you so much for these posts. Such amazing advice.

I am so grateful. I can’t wait to be at home!!!!

It's not you, OP. Its them. Ring the Samaritans again if you need to, or post on here.

I just feel so much resentment - Maybe you have a lot to resent? Bear in mind if you have been downplaying it or negating it for years, when it comes out it will feel quite posionous.

I had a short set of online (free) CBT sessions via NHS self referral.They were so insightful. First time ever someone has trusted that what I tentatively said about my overbearing, bullying, manipulative narcissistic father might be true and might have a close connection with my depression.

Would you consider something similar? Could be a good place to start. Online CBT worked well because it's not face to face so feels less exposing. And if you find it possible to open up here, it's not that different. Just, the person on the other end replying is a trained specialist not a MNtter.

Op I also felt (still feel) conflicted. We are programmed by overbearing family members that ' family is everything' 'family first' etc. No - what comes first is your mental health and well being. You don't have to explain or state that you are putting boundaries down, instead have a good think to yourself or write down what you will and will not except.
I'm Not as assertive person - a real walkover but going to counselling helped and I practised phrases with my counsellor. I know this sounds silly but for me it was amazing.

There are some really good podcasts - do you have an iPhone? On the iPhone there is a podcast app. I'm currently listening to 'unfck your brain' there is one on drama and toxic people which is quite good. The premise is that no one is really toxic - we need to just let them be them and walk away or have a calm phrase to say if they are being difficult.

Similar position here OP. A quote I like is 'Let go or be dragged'. For whatever reason they've developed unhealthy attitudes. You need to emotionally detach with professional help.

Thank you so much to everyone taking the time to post.

It is hard to give a summary but they were quite neglectful. I was left alone a lot but in a huge comfortable home - so all looked good etc. They do not provide any emotional support although they throw around the ‘I love you’ al the time. If any sort of emotion could ‘ruin’ an event or occasion then it’s not allowed. There’s limited time to be unhappy - ten minutes of chat and that’s it. They mock me for being jealous of my sibling - I certainly was as a child when left behind al the time - I can honestly say I am not jealous now and I’m very happy with my life. Quite a lot of physical abuse but I was a difficult child and never went to bed and so on.

I can’t pinpoint what the problem is now. I just hate being around them. Interestingly my siblings partner said a few weeks back that he was surprised our parents are as normal as they are given their own awful upbringings. So I guess it is more evident to others than I realise.

changedfor podcast sounds good going to have a look thank you

It's not normal. It's ok to be ill with your mental health. At Christmas there is a lot of pressure to keep the "face on" when you're depressed. Supportive friends and family will either not expect the face to be on or will be there for you when it slips. Your family don't seem able to be there for either of these options. Look after your mental health. Don't give in to that little voice saying that's the best way. Wake up for every tomorrow, even if it's shit. Surround yourself with those that help you grow, those that poison you must be left behind.

OP I have recently had an epiphany about my childhood and how the manipulative and angry behaviour I had to cope with as a child has effected me as an adult. Outwardly people think we are a normal family. We are not. The emotional abuse and feelings of complete worthlessness as a child have made me a people pleaser as an adult. I dread and hate conflict, it makes me physically ill. I feel wholly responsible for the feelings of others when it’s nothing to do with me. I have allowed myself to be manipulated without even understanding what was happening.
I’m just processing this now and how to cope with it to protect myself moving forward. Things in your family are not ok. It shapes your whole life. I hope you manage to gain some clarity after posting on here. Someone asked me to read about Co- dependant parenting. Have a look. It’s changed my entire outlook

I will have a look, thank you.

I feel so alone when with my family. The black sheep. I just want to escape and the light of Christmas be taken off as it shows all the ugly cracks of my relationship with them

I don’t know what it’s like to feel unconditional love and support. The last time i sought to rely on my mum, mid way through telling her about a break up she suddenly announced that she needed to order some clothes online and we’d have to talk about it another time. Is that even normal. I don’t even know. If I challenged her on it she’d tell me I was ‘ruining sunday’etc

I just feel so much resentment
of course you do, they set you up, set you against each other, forces set in motion long ago and playing out over time, like balls on a pool table all positioned ready to hit each other

when you have been wronged the urge to redress the balance, stick up for yourself is strong it stays in your psyche and leaks out in ways that can be hard to control
and of course family members are expert at triggering each other in ways that are subtle, but very powerful

This is so sad and very prescient for me atm. I'm a writer and yesterday I wrote about what it means to be the black sheep of the family and the very phrase itself.

Indeed using the word black as we do is highly suggestive. So I looked at two women in my family who were the black sheep. My paternal GGM and my own DA and god mum. When I stopped going with the family narrative and really looked at words verses actions, they didn't marry up. I came to the sad conclusion that because these two refused to fit in, they were smeared by their abusers.

As have you've been OP, for years now.

You are mired in FOG which is why everything feels nebulous. You are making significant progress because you recognise your emotional states of neutral ground and not being with them. Good.

Ok, so I think you know what you need to do here OP and bits a NC but head and heart need to accord on this. Your heads there but your heart isn't.

NC allows you to step outside of the family narrative so you can avoid their drama they y stopping the FOG.

THEN you can examine the narrative but from the outside.

And because I know you are in great pain x

I feel for you OP, having been in a similar situation and having come through the other side.

I think you need to actively prioritise your mental health and always do what will keep you in the strongest position mentally. For me, this is totally avoiding my childhood home as well as the homes of my siblings. All contact in a public place which you can leave when you are ready. Keep to small talk, keep it frivolous. I never see family for Christmas or other important occasions. Nothing good comes of it, does it?

It's sad, but it's the way it has to be.

I can totally relate OP, as can so many on here.

I'm 43 now and see it all very clearly - time, friendships, counselling and physical distance from them all helped. Friends being the most critical. My boundaries and faith in my own judgement are great now.

The breakup/online clothes ordering story (NOT NORMAL) made me think of possible narcissism, there are great videos on youtube that'll help. And the advice on here is tremendous.

I'm low contact with my entire family and they haven't even realised! You don't need to announce it or anything. You'll be ok

I wouldn't have gone back actually, I'd have gone home and gone no contact.
You don't deserve this awful treatment.
I am very much treated as an afterthought by my mother and her new family and I never spend xmas there, I prefer to see my cousins and aunts.
I am done being treated like a second class citizen and so should you, walk away.
You deserve better

Thank you for the posts, I am reading them all and will take the advice given.

The afternoon was ok. My mum kept asking why I was so quiet and she actually text asking if I was ok when I drove home. It’s strange, she can manage a nice text when I’ve left but talking with me in person she never seems to have the time.

I have been thinking a lot about all of this today. I think I have huge resenemt from my childhood and that any small thing they do now, I will react horribly and disproportionately. I find it sad my mum has never done the hour drive to see me in my home in the four years I have lived here, but then she’s not obliged to, is she? And perhaps things like that I need to let go and not always associate that sort of thing with childhood memories and therefore blow my feelings of sadness out of proportion. Not sure if that makes sense....

I'm probably totally projecting my DM onto you OP (poor you!!) but in my case, she's 'nice' when I'm upset because - this sounds dramatic but I believe it's true - she wants to feed off my sadness, it somehow pleases her.

Took me decades to realise that. Then I looked back and saw all the times she deliberately made me cry, then looked satisfied and walked away. And how she'd try to break me down when I was feeling happy. I learned never to mention my hopes/plans to her. Even earlier than that, I learned never to turn to her for help.

Quite honestly it's downright nasty that your DM hasn't bothered visiting you in four years (assuming she's capable of the journey).

An older ex-colleague of mine once said, when I cried at work yet again after seeing DM, "you know Postino, some people just aren't very nice". It was like a lightbulb going on.

I only know what you've written here, and like I say I'm projecting a bit, but I don't think you're overreacting or failing to let go of the past or anything like that. I think rather than you trying to change and feel differently, you could harness your perfectly appropriate anger and use that energy to build up your inner strength and resilience.

If you relate to any of this, there's loads of help out there honestly, amazing books etc.

Basically imo, it's not you it's her!

Haven't had time to read the full thread, sorry.

Op, I'm sorry for your crappy Christmas. I to am feeling 'deflated' after a visit to my dm.

We started traveling at 845am with our 10 month old, after a few stops to break up the journey, we arrived at dm at around 430pm. On arrival, she told us to make ourselves a cup of tea (whilst standing there drinking her own). I felt unwelcome the entire time I was there, like I was only there to present her granddaughter to her.

My normally happy DD was clingy and stressed, as I think she picks up on my stress which is sky high the entire time I'm under the same roof as dm, and also dm seems to think DD should automatically like her and have a relationship with her, so is right up in her face without any attempt to build up a bond beforehand.

I would recommend "will I ever be good enough" by karyl McBride, I found this book incredibly helpful.

She wants to feed off my sadness, it somehow pleases her
I recognise this dynamic, putting you down makes her feel better because now she is above you and she has power over you, power and control makes her feel bigger and better