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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anniversary gift that I hate. HELP!

31 replies

KikoS · 26/12/2018 01:35

Hi Lovelies,

What would you do/ how would you tell your husband that you hate the wedding anniversary gift?
Husband gave me a set of necklace and ear rings from Swarovski that I hate. It actually made me sad that after 8th years of marriage and he still doesn't get my taste.

How can I tell him that I don't like them and I'd better return them and make use of the money to buy sth else.

help please.

Kiko

OP posts:
Tryingtogetitright · 26/12/2018 01:42

Can you tell him that they're beautiful but you're sad because don't think you'll get to wear them much because they're too sparkly/dressy (if they are?) and you'd really like something you can use frequently so can you exchange them?

subspace · 26/12/2018 05:13

I think I'd suck it up and keep them, wearing them occasionally. It sounds like a thoughtful present and one he thought you'd love, and I wouldn't want to break that sort of news to him.

However if you do, how would you want to be told if the roles were reversed? I'm guessing the words wouldn't involve "I hate them".

Weezol · 26/12/2018 05:23

I think you need to tell him otherwise you could end up with a chandelier collection that gets added to every year.

I think Tryingto has the right approach, it's what I'd go with.

pissedonatrain · 26/12/2018 06:29

I would not tell him and just keep them. He went to the trouble and thought to get you something nice. Wear them occasionally and next date for when he cane get your something send him a few photos of things you'd really like.

So many women out there are married to twats who are too lazy to get their DW any gifts.

Be gracious for the gift.

GooodMythicalMorning · 26/12/2018 06:35

Just say they are lovely but not to your taste? Although id not say anything and just wear them out with him.

Ethel80 · 26/12/2018 06:47

You can't return the earrings anyway unless they're completely sealed in some way.

It's awkward because if you don't tell him, he could think he's done a brilliant job and get you similar next year.

I'd wear them at some point over Christmas so he notices then maybe in the next couple of months gently suggest what you do like.

Don't be too subtle though. I've had conversations about what sort of jewellery I like but he still always gets it slightly wrong!

GooodMythicalMorning · 26/12/2018 08:13

If they're posts no if they're hook some places do but not many as the hooks can be changed. I used to where I worked.

GloomyMonday · 26/12/2018 08:33

You've been married to him for eight years, presumably sharing intimate thoughts and moments, discussing the future, but can't say 'I'm so sorry but I have to tell you that I don't like the necklace, do you have the receipt?'?

PoutySprout · 26/12/2018 08:37

So many women out there are married to twats who are too lazy to get their DW any gifts.

DH and I have never done anniversary or Xmas gifts, and we rarely do birthday gifts. We live very busy lives and so spending time together on those days has become our habit. Is there a gift better than time?

k1233 · 26/12/2018 08:45

Be sensitive, tell him it's a lovely gift but not quite you. Ask if he'd mind coming with you to pick something else?

As I always say to people unless you clearly communicate expectations / preferences etc, uou can't expect people to intuit what you want. That may be as simple as looking at junk mail and saying, oh, isn't that nice; to educate him on your jewellery preferences.

I have people give me things that aren't what I'd choose myself. I recognise it for what it is - a thoughtful gesture - and make sure whenever I see that person I wear the gift they gave me.

Original poster
KikoS · 27/12/2018 09:54

What made me sad ladies is that I give him hints all the time on what I like and what I don't. My taste in jewellery, where I like to dine, my favorite food etc. But still gifting me expensive presents that I can't find the stomach to wear😢

I am grateful for his thought but also can't deceive him with false feelings!
I'd rather return them and buy sth I am happy with and proud to wear or use all the time.
It's just a matter of telling him without hurting his feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
KikoS · 27/12/2018 09:55

Yes, but also it is not nice to spend that time together hiding your feelings and pretend to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
KikoS · 27/12/2018 09:56

I font want to hurt his feeling by the wrong choice of words. That is why I am seeking your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
KikoS · 27/12/2018 09:59

I am grateful but if I am been giving a gift, I might as well be happy with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KikoS · 27/12/2018 10:02

Tryingtogetitright
I think that is probably what I am going to do. They are very very sparkly indeed.

OP posts:
Childrenofthesun · 27/12/2018 10:04

I don't think I would say anything - it would be hurtful. Some people are just not good at picking up hints about taste, you have to be more direct, eg next year you could discuss if you are going to buy anniversary gifts and say what you would like, or go shopping together as PP suggested. With Xmas gifts, I have to send DH an email with a link to what I want or who knows what I would end up with.

CherryPavlova · 27/12/2018 10:04

No, you don’t need to be happy with it, I’m afraid. You need to know that the gift was love not a necklace. Your gift to him is assuredly love too. Some people aren’t good at hints. He chose someone thought you’d like, something special. It would be crass and hurtful to throw it back in his face.

Keep the necklace. Put it away or wear it to his works dinner or next dressy event where sparkle is acceptable. Then just look at it when you open your drawer and know each sparkle is how he feels about you. Be romantic not pragmatic on this one.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/12/2018 10:08

My husband is also useless at picking up hints. He’s great in other ways, makes an effort etc but gifts...no. He always buys me bunches of dried flowers after arguments and I’m like thanks but do I really want to be reminded of this argument for the rest of time?

I would just tell him they’re not your style. Honesty is the best policy.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/12/2018 10:09

“know each sparkle is how he feels about you”

Good lord. Are you American or something?

CherryPavlova · 27/12/2018 10:17

IAmAlwaysLikeThis No, not American just believe a few beads shouldn’t be the reason to cause upset. They were given with love and should be received with love.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/12/2018 10:19

My ex was like this... I’ve got a draw full of jewellery I hate, some really expensive stuff

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/12/2018 10:20

cherry but love is honesty. I’d hate to not be able to tell my husband how I feel.

purpleelk · 27/12/2018 10:23

Well he’s not too worried about your feelings, if you give him hints and he still doesn’t listen. Not sure why you’re concerned about hurting his unless you think he made genuine effort and just got it wrong anyway or you’re afraid he’s going to blow up in your face and call you names if you’re honest.

endoflevelbaddy · 27/12/2018 10:29

I'd feel exactly the same as you OP, and I'd find it quite hurtful. I wear a lot of jewellery and I would expect my DH to have a clue about my taste / style if he was buying me as a gift (he does tbf, he's never got it 'wrong'). And I would never wear something to please him / make him feel good about buying it.

I would just thank him, say it was a lovely thought but unfortunately not to your taste, and suggest going together to return it and shop for something more appropriate as you wouldn't want all that money wasted.
I wouldn't expect that to be a big deal.

Original poster
KikoS · 27/12/2018 10:36

I agree. Love is honesty. I can't just not say anything making him think it is OK and I am happy, cause who knows, may be he will do it again. Every time I looked at it since receiving it reminds me of how he doesn't listen to me.

A family relationship consultant I follow on Facebook once said " you gift your lover a gift that makes him/her happy not what you personally like or prefer".

Since I learned about that and everything I gave him was to his taste and he wanted. I told him about that saying and we had a conversation about gifts and what we like.

So when at the end he gives me sth that is completely not my taste, I feel sad and angry even because either he doesn't listen to me or he doesn't care enough about my choices.

OP posts: