Was this a good or bad relationship?

[Lattesforlife]

I have posted about this before, but I really can’t work out if I’m going insane or not. Was with ex a year, split in Summer. I am still struggling. I think I know rationally that if this was a friends relationship I would be telling them to run, but I miss him and would take him back. Which worries me as I don’t think my boundaries are ‘normal’?

For background, I was abused as a child and have shit self esteem / self worth. I’ve only ever had abusive relationships (including with my family) but I have had a lot of intensive psychotherapy and was single for 6 years prior to this relationship, so I thought I was in a better place.

So if I tell you all the points. Would you tell me if this was a good or bad relationship over all? I feel like if you just say the bad bits, you get a skewered opinion maybe

Things I think were good:

• adored me. Was incredibly affectionate and I never doubted he loved me very much
• would take me places so I wasn’t alone: supermarket / doctors etc
• looked after me completely eg, arranged my car to be fixed / sent me to bed if I was tired / just generally nurtured me a bit.

-helped me with my child, had a good relationship with them.

• involves me with his family

-made me laugh,feel special, wanted etc.

Points I’m not sure on:
-encouraged me to give up work so I could spend more time with him. He financed this.

• he was incredibly generous, but maybe too much? I had either a gift / flowers / meal out most days.
• he gave me a nanny so I could have more free time with him

-he chose all my clothes, down to gym wear. On one hand, I think he was just super generous, but on the other it was maybe a bit controlling?

• very secretive. Hated me on social media, hated me talking to people about what we had done / plans we had made etc. Shouted at me once when someone saw a restaurant review I had written and asked him about our meal.

Things I think were maybe bad?
-he liked me to look after his kids, but that meant that between me / their nanny / their mum he hardly ever saw them.

• he liked to hurt me during sex. I liked it to a degree, but he would spend a lot of time trying to think up new ways to hurt me. But this was for pleasure, and I liked it to a degree, so I am confused a bit about it?
• he locked me in the house when we argued so I couldn’t get away / finish the argument.
• He used to hit me during sex, and started doing this outside the bedroom occasionally. I never said stop, but he knew I didn’t like it.
• He was getting porn off another girl / texting behind my back

I feel I should add. He has a counter argument for everything, which is why I’m confused.

He says he locked me in the house because he didn’t want us to argue and wanted us to make things better. He thinks i overreacted (I threatened to call the police)

He said he wasn’t controlling, he could just see ways to make my life better so why wouldn’t he do them (giving up work / nanny / taking me places etc)

I am even more confused now. I know he adored me, and he thinks he treated me really well.

Bad relationship. Good partners don’t lock their other half indoors, choose all their clothing for them, tell what to do / not to do. You are well shot of him. But I think you know this.

This was an appalling relationship, but he most alarming thing is that you’re even asking this.

Argonauts that’s what I’m struggling with. I think I know it wasnt good, but I feel utterly conflicted as I would still go back to him I think. I can see his side of it too, I can justify the bad bits.

I think I might need more therapy to unpick this. Thank you both

Just to clarify. I am not actually going to go back to him - I just can’t figure out why I can’t be glad to be rid of him, am able to excuse it and not see it as clearly as everyone else that it wasn’t a good relationship. I think I get so blindsided by fact someone loves me, that I’m prepared to put up with other crap to keep that?

Oh dear OP - I would move the things you are not sure on down to the things you think were maybe bad (which were bad btw). This was a relationship totally dictated by and controlled by him. You really are very much better off without him.

Forget his made up counter arguments - they mean nothing and are just him trying to manipulate the situation to his own advantage. I wish you all the best but from the wY you have written, you should trust your instinct and not even think for a second of returning to this relationship

This is not love OP. Glad you got away.

The "good bits" just part of a sick game he was playing.

Dear God that sounds horrific. You are well out of it. It might be a good idea to get some counselling to understand why you thought this was ok.

Oh OP - thats a horrible toxic relationship - be glad you're well out of it. This is a dangerous man.

Look at it this way - would he have ever tolerated you doing those things to him? No. Then there are no counter arguments - just control. You should have been equals.

I had a dog once.
Occasionally he'd be happy to see me, wag his tail, have a fuss.
Usually tho he'd growl, snarl and bite my arms and legs.
Was he a good dog?

Poor analogy, but my point is, and it's a cynical one:
You should judge people and relationships on the "worst" parts of them. A man that is loving and kind on a Friday but is a bastard every other day should be considered a bastard.

That relationship was awful OP.
abusive both physically and mentally and huge helpings of gaslighting too.

Thank you everyone (and merry Christmas!)

I’m struggling with this, as my over all feel of the relationship was that it was good - with odd moments that were bad, whereas I think I need to reclassify it almost and I don’t know how to do that?

The analogy about the dog is actually really helpful. I can see things much clearer if they don’t involve me!

I’m just worried as I miss him, it’s been months and I feel absolutely lost still. He has a new gf now and has texted me twice “accidentally” to let me know he’s with someone. It just hurts! He says I’ve betrayed him and he will never forgive me though as I told someone he had been getting messages off another girl.

I just want it to stop hurting!

A terrible relationship. A terrible guy.
He didn't love you. He possessed you. You were his toy. And you don't miss him. You feel discarded and you think that's 'missing him'. Don't get that confused.
You dodged a bullet! His good points were not good at all. Taking you to the doctor, putting you to bed, getting you a nanny... this was all an effort to render you totally dependent on him in every way.
Don't get into a relationship looking to be 'taken care of'. That's not what relationships are about. And my guess is, you're still looking for a bit of parenting- that unconditional love we are meant to get from our parents which you didn't experience, by the sound of things. But what he did NOT do is nurture you and take care of you. On the surface, it may seem like he did, but this was all a trick. He made unilateral decisions without consulting you. He shaped your entire life around him and made the relationship entirely about his wants and his needs. For every one thing he 'gave' you, he took from you emotionally. He chipped away at your sense of self-worth and self-esteem while seemingly playing the good guy. He's a mess you cannot fix. He's unlovable. And I bet he's blanked you completely since you broke up. He's not made any effort to win you back, has he? Do correct me if I am wrong. But typically, this type of guy is a sociopath. All big noise in the relationship, then once they're done with you, they discard you and move onto the next one. They are very cold, calculating people. Read about sociopaths. They are very good at emulating emotion and typically, they come into a relationship with bells, whistles, and a one-man army of unyielding 'love' for you. It's all a parade. A big show. That's how people like him function in life. They inhabit a Disneyland-type existence: All props, great set design, and imagination. You're another prop. But nothing has real value or meaning to people like him. His whole life is a facade and he engineers everyone and everything that comes into his orbit to fit into his self-made 'set'. He hurts you during sex because he cannot feel and this is one way of getting him to 'feel' something. But what it makes him feel is powerful, aggressive, even hateful. This is not a loving act.This is an act of dominance and showing you where you belong- on the bottom of his shoe, basically. He keeps you down. And anytime you rise, he'll push you right back down. He didn't want you to work because work would empower you, give you something to reach for, give you achievements and accolades, and worse, attention from others. He's a controlling, aggressive, disrespectful asshole. You were like one of those butterflies pinned onto a display, a possession for show, something he could admire and toy with, then lock you away from the world on a whim- arguing with you when you posted a public restaurant review (how dare you have an opinion), locking you inside the house (how dare you fight your corner and actually defy him). But what screams at me from your OP is that this is a man who does not feel. He only cares about himself and he doesn't even know how to do that properly, hence the violence. It evokes 'feeling'. So he tries to 'feel' via pain. What a dreadful human being. He'll never become the possibility you hope for. He will always be pathetic and uncaring and manipulative. That list you wrote. That's who he is. And I am not really sure what you're 'missing'.

Get some therapy and really try and extinguish this guy from your memory. Good luck!!!

It sounds really, really awful.

Even some of the good bits dont sound good to me!! Like he was treating you as if you were his child or his "thing".

Oh somehow I had skipped vanguards comment. But the first part of that with bells on regarding being a possession etc

@TheVanguardSix Could not have said this better myself.
OP you deserve better. Stay away from him. It will hurt for a while, but one day you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Even reading your good points Inthought he sounded very controlling and treated you like a child. I would never let a man accompany me everywhere or send me to bed. Adults don’t treat each other that way. It sounds suffocating.

Are you missing him or are you so used to being controlled that being free of it feels frightening? I think you’ve had a lucky escape. Block his number so he can’t churn up your emotions with his stupid “accidental” texts and move on.

God, Vanguard every single thing you said is spot on.

The possession thing - that used to be our thing, he would say I was his. I actually got him something engraved with “I am yours”. And I do feel abandoned, that’s what I struggled with most. I stuck by him through all the crap, but when he got the texts off another girl I fell apart and he couldn’t cope with me needing reassurance and we split up (it was only a week afterwards) I felt and feel abandoned by him. I’m bitter about it, like I’ve been discarded!

And yes. He’s completely cut me off. We have to see each other several times a week and he is utterly nice and charming, but totally closed off. He always said he was like this, that he just shuts off that part of his life and closes it down.

The sociopath thing about facade is him too. His exw is relatively infamous and he is used to a level of recognition / service where ever he goes. He collects sports cars and his social media is all bells and whistles. He reposts photos his nanny has taken of the kids though, he’s not actually with them, it’s all sort of fake but to the nth degree. He always said people wanted to be him so badly.

And lastly, the pain to make him feel thing. God this is all hitting home so much. He always said he liked not feeling, he said he used to listen to music and just wander around revelling in the fact he wasn’t having any emotions. That I made him angry and passionate and happy bothered him. He said he wanted an even keel relationship where he didn’t have to feel that spectrum.

Fuck. Well that’s been an eye opener. I don’t know how I recover from all of this though? How do I stop missing him? Wanting him? How do I stop this happening again? I thought I had better boundaries this time. It was my first relationship in 6 years after a year of intensive psychotherapy. I thought I had improved :(

Thank you everyone. Sorry that was too you all not just vanguard

Gloriana I am terrified. I don’t want to be free, younare right. I liked being taken care of I guess. I’ve always looked after myself and Ds, but I’m tired. It felt good not to have to worry for once.

It's so sad that the stuff you regarded as "good" would be a deal breaker in a relationship for me. It points to this overall pattern of controlling, suffocating behaviour

I had a bit of a fucked up childhood - I applied for boarding school myself at 13 because the sexual abuse at home was getting worse. I think someone said something about not getting parented as a child and so I wanted that from him, and that’s really hot home. I liked him controlling me I think because it felt like someone cared enough to look after me.

I think I need more therapy, but I don’t know if I can face it. I tried to have some just after we split up and the therapist said I was like a prostitite because he bought me, she said I was spoiled and should move house to avoid him. I was trying to explain to her that I couldn’t just move every time something like this happened because it was inside me, I needed to change me not the location. Blurgh!

Definitely bad. I was convinced of that when I read choosing your clothes and after that it got worse!! Most certainly locking you in is not ok. Hope you can find someone lovely who will treat you with respect xx

He used to hit me

Didn’t need to consider any of the other points on your post.
You are well rid.

I couldn't find one good point on that list.
You're well rid.

Yes you totally need to work on why you ended up in a relationship like this.

You had a horrendous childhood, I can see why you want someone to look after you. But you’re not a child anymore, you cannot save that child. You can only save yourself as an adult.
You need to find yourself a really good therapist
And you need to start really caring about yourself. Because you’re not doing that right now.

Have a lovely Xmas