Was this a good or bad relationship?

[Lattesforlife]

I have posted about this before, but I really can’t work out if I’m going insane or not. Was with ex a year, split in Summer. I am still struggling. I think I know rationally that if this was a friends relationship I would be telling them to run, but I miss him and would take him back. Which worries me as I don’t think my boundaries are ‘normal’?

For background, I was abused as a child and have shit self esteem / self worth. I’ve only ever had abusive relationships (including with my family) but I have had a lot of intensive psychotherapy and was single for 6 years prior to this relationship, so I thought I was in a better place.

So if I tell you all the points. Would you tell me if this was a good or bad relationship over all? I feel like if you just say the bad bits, you get a skewered opinion maybe

Things I think were good:

• adored me. Was incredibly affectionate and I never doubted he loved me very much
• would take me places so I wasn’t alone: supermarket / doctors etc
• looked after me completely eg, arranged my car to be fixed / sent me to bed if I was tired / just generally nurtured me a bit.

-helped me with my child, had a good relationship with them.

• involves me with his family

-made me laugh,feel special, wanted etc.

Points I’m not sure on:
-encouraged me to give up work so I could spend more time with him. He financed this.

• he was incredibly generous, but maybe too much? I had either a gift / flowers / meal out most days.
• he gave me a nanny so I could have more free time with him

-he chose all my clothes, down to gym wear. On one hand, I think he was just super generous, but on the other it was maybe a bit controlling?

• very secretive. Hated me on social media, hated me talking to people about what we had done / plans we had made etc. Shouted at me once when someone saw a restaurant review I had written and asked him about our meal.

Things I think were maybe bad?
-he liked me to look after his kids, but that meant that between me / their nanny / their mum he hardly ever saw them.

• he liked to hurt me during sex. I liked it to a degree, but he would spend a lot of time trying to think up new ways to hurt me. But this was for pleasure, and I liked it to a degree, so I am confused a bit about it?
• he locked me in the house when we argued so I couldn’t get away / finish the argument.
• He used to hit me during sex, and started doing this outside the bedroom occasionally. I never said stop, but he knew I didn’t like it.
• He was getting porn off another girl / texting behind my back

He sounds appalling! Painful sex and thinking up new ways to hurt you - controlling what you do and wear.

Get out of it! You're worth more. I agree with your therapist that your thinking needs to change, that will take time but will be worth it. You'll eventually emerge a stronger person.

Good luck and lots of love to you.

He sounds physically and emotionally abusive and controlling. You weren't his girlfriend but his toy/pet/possession and your solar purpose and everything he did for you was to please him. Him freeing you from work or childcare duty was for him. Him buying you clothes etc was for him.

Musti he used to call me his puppy. I was his pet wasn’t i?

I’m confused about the hurting me thing, I wanted him to hurt me sometimes. I think it was a form of self harm maybe?

Everything you are all saying is hitting home. It’s just sad, and I wish I could feel better about it all.

Even with the ‘bad’ stuff, I was the happiest I have ever been in the year we spent together. I want to magically have that self respect and self esteem that would have ‘normal’ people bloody grateful to be free! I can’t see it, let alone feel it right now!

Appalling. He sounds very controlling and like he wanted to isolate you from everyone but himself. The locking you in thing is unacceptable no matter what bs reasoning he comes up with. Don’t take him back OP.

Oh @Lattesforlife this rings so true here for me as I've been through something similar but with someone far less affluent.

What you're feeling is a reeling from the discard. You feel used up (physically and emotionally) and spat out with no real reasoning behind it.

The reason you feel so lost and like you'd take him back is due to the trauma bonding he has conditioned into you. He hurts you (physically or emotionally) and then says something nice or does something after to make you feel safe. You're waiting for the safety to come after the pain just now.

It takes time and a lot of self care. I pretty much locked myself away from all life other than children/work stuff and it took some time but I can see huge steps forward in strength now. I get flashbacks less frequently now, only time has managed to heal that for me.

Also, your therapist wasn't on to suggest you were like a prostitute and should move. Find a new one as this one isn't going to work for this situation.

Be really really gentle on yourself.

You have work to do! All the love and nurturing you’re ready to give, give to yourself. After all you’ve been through, you poor love- the sexual abuse at the hands of a ‘trusted’ person, the neglect by your parents which would have created a vacuum, allowing for the abuse to happen, that unconditional love you’ve only imagined experiencing but have never in reality had- you need to pour all of that love and effort you want to give to someone into healing you. You first! YOU are your most important relationship right now. This is your time, your trips around the sun, your life. And as corny as this sounds, this is the truth: people can take from you, rob you blind of your self-esteem, and drag you down. But they can’t take away your will to find happiness. You have free will. He can’t touch that. He can’t take it away from you. That’s yours.

You WILL stop ‘missing’ him when your mind takes the lead over your heart. You’re broken and emotional right now. You’ve been robbed, fooled, humiliated. He gave you the illusion of ‘good bits’ during your time together. They were crumbs, nothing more. It’s your broken heart telling you that those crumbs were gold dust. You miss what was never going to be. You miss what you really want and what you really need. You miss what he was never going to deliver. You were duped and you miss the fairy tale he tried to sell you. What he’s left you with has broken you because it was fraudulent. He IS a fraud, for life. What you need should never ever make you cry or doubt yourself. What you need should feel great!

Take your time. Tackle your demons and take them down. Tackle your past and pardon your pain. Heal! Keep moving forward! And find a whole person with a mighty heart who will love you and whose love you will recognise as honest and good, the real deal.

I am struggling today. It would have been our anniversary and I really want to text him. I’m not going to, I came back to read this thread to try and give myself some strength. I’m so used to him fixing things, to making it better when it hurts, that even when it’s him that does the hurting I crave him. I know this isn’t healthy or normal, I just wish it would stop! I just bloody miss him and I wish I didn’t, I wish I had the self worth and esteem to see and believe inside me that I deserve better than this.

It’s okay to feel hurt and angry.

Think of the cravings as just habitual pathways you’ve created in your brain. Every time you feel that craving and don’t respond to it by contacting him you’re reducing its power.

He can’t fix you. All he does is offer false hope and reinforce your belief that you’re broken. You can increase your self-esteem by treating yourself as if you’re worthwhile even if you don’t believe it yet. It will get better.

Lattes, the good things you describe were him isolating you from your support network. Looking forward, as soon as someone starts to monopolise your time, want you spending all your time with them, not want you spending time with others, organises standard things for you and wants to accompany you to them - that's them positioning themselves between you and the outside world. They want to isolate you so that you are dependent on them. Once that happens they start controlling you more and it's not uncommon for abuse to follow.

I met a guy a few years back. Charming. The things that really put me on edge with him:

• called me every night for a week, under the guise of missing me so much
• when we went out with friends he'd want to go our own way early on
• had horse flu outbreak in Australia (big deal here). He wanted me to move my horse two hours away to his parents farm, away from my friends and where I actually lived - I could stay his place apparently.

By themselves, all innocent. Together, combined with only knowing him a relatively brief time, major pointers to controlling person. I was single at the time and he did have some good things going for him, so yeah I saw him for a while. But boy oh boy was he miserable that he couldn't control me.

Yesterday was my rock bottom I think. A real, couldn’t get out of bed / sick to the stomach day. I ended up texting him and he didn’t reply, so I have my answer about how little I mean to him. Which in a way is good. I need him to reject me Cos I’m not strong enough to reject him.

I know it sounds wanky and stupid but I did a white sage cleansing ritual thing on me and the house last night, and then I wrote down all the things he made me feel and his bad points. I don’t know if it has helped yet, but I felt calmer and less like I’d been punched last night.

It’s been months, I used to be so ruthless in relationships, I don’t understand how he got so under my skin.

Thank you both