Husband belittling me and I've had enough

[changingnameforthiss]

Ive had to NC for this.

I think this is the last straw. Due to financial problems, my husband gave me his credit card. Now I am quite a simple person, I know nothing about credits cards or things like that I am someone who sticks to one card only. What I didn't know is if I take cash out, it charges high interest rates.

Anyway he found out and he has had ago at me so much that I am reduced to tears. He said that I've made a mess of things, I have messed everything up, I am stupid, why don't I know the difference between debit and credit card... I've apologised profusely and I've said I'm sorry! But I'm sitting here in tears and I honestly starting to feel that I don't love him anymore. Silly I know but I already have self esteem problems and things like this makes me feel even more worthless.

This is so silly but he has done this many times before. Any little mistakes I make, it makes me a stupid person. He belittles me in a way that it makes me feel like I am worthless piece of shit. He has made loads of mistakes in the past but I've always supported him and never have I judged him! Ever.

I don't know what else to do. I have never cried like this before because I used to be able to just take it but now I don't think I can anymore. I can't do anything right. He should've just told me in the nicest way that I mustn't do it again and that's the way I can learn but no, I just get spoken to like shit

To be honest, I wouldn’t have known about the extra interest either as I rarely use my credit card. If it’s only £100 then he’s being a total dick and you deserve better

Everything is eay if you know how, not if you are new to it. He is the stupid. Stand up to him, bullies usually back down
This is a terrible time of year we are all overwhelmed, don't take it to heart, but he needs talking to

Op, you're not an idiot. I've never even looked into getting a CC and only just found out from this thread about higher interest. How much did this mistake cost him or does he just like to belittle you? Regardless, mistakes happen don't sweat it.

Another white collar professional here and I don't have a credit card and wouldn't have known that either. It sounds like he's snappy due to financial issues and being unnecessarily mean to the op.

Sounds to me as if OP's H might be the poster of some of the nasty comments......

OP. I think it's time to move on. He's not going to get any better. Trust me. Life is too short to spend it with a twunt like that!

OP he shouldn’t have belittled you and made you feel shit. Mistakes happen! Ffs I smashed my rear windscreen by accident the other day and DP was ace about it despite it costing money a few days before Christmas!

Is he like this in general?

Get rid, he sounds awful. I couldn't imagine speaking to my DP the way he spoke to you. Spend some time alone working on your self esteem issues and then find someone who will really care for you

I'm a lawyer and I didn't realise at first about the different rate for cash withdrawals. It's not some sort of adulting defect. I withdrew cash, got charged a bit of interest, learned that was how it worked and didn't do it again.

If you still have the card pop along to love honey and buy him a ball gag from Santa. If you don’t have your own credit card why would you know every nuance of their operation? I’d say he failed to provide sufficient information myself!

Does he generally overdo it and have a go at you for ages and call you stupid? If so that's unacceptable and he needs to learn some perspective. There isn't much detail about the other incidents so I don't want to assume he always does it.

If I take cash out on my credit card the cash point always tells me there will be additional charges and do I accept. So really you should have known.

He shouldn't be angry at you for not knowing this. However, if he got angry, it could be not because of the interest but that you took cash out of that value. What did he think you were going to do with his cc? How did the conversation go that led him to give you his card?

If it was that you didn't have any money left to buy food when that is what you normally pay, so already annoys, then he gives you his card, expecting you to spend £50 and then found out you took £100 out, then it would be understandable he would be very annoyed.

So really, totally depends on the context.

OP, who ever you are, get OUT of that relationship NOW. You are in an abusive relationship. Go to a refuge if you can or your doctor, but this for real and serious. He isn't hitting, but he is still harming you. Emotional and mental abuse, is still abuse.
I wish all the best, and all the love you need.

I don't think ATMs do tell you about credit card charges only if the ATM itself levies a charge for service. So I don't think OP would have known. In any case no one's partner should make their loved one feel so shite on a regular basis. LTB.

Why did he give you his credit card?Was it because you have no money and he was lending you the card to buy stuff or to stop him using it because his repayments were getting out of control
If he needs to give you his credit card to mind then it's his problem -he lacks self control .If he gave it you to buy groceries or presents (knowing you were short of money )then he should have warned you to not take out cash .

He shouldn’t be belittling you but if you’re having financial problems you should ask before taking money out and take responsibility for the budget too. I would say it’s common knowledge that it’s not a good idea to take money out on credit cards. But if you don’t know this, time to educate yourself and plan a way out of your financial difficulties together.

He’s gaslighting you. It’s an honest mistake especially when your confidence is shot.

No you're not an idiot. I've had credit cards for 20 years and only found out recently that it triggers a higher charge for cash.

So has he never made a mistake?

He's bullying you. Plain and simple.

Why would you love someone who bullied you?

OP, trust yourself here.

The narrative has become that he gets to put you up in the dock and you have to defend yourself like you're continually on trial. That is an awful dynamic in a relationship and as you say, it goes one way only because you're not forcing him to defend himself to you and he doesn't feel obliged to! But he expects you to defend yourself to him, like he is a cross-examining barrister.

This dynamic is abuse.

Also with regard to taking money out on a credit card, I don't see how it's any different to using a credit card to buy an item that you didn't have the cash for. So long as you're aware of the interest, and there's always interest whether it's cash or a jumper.

I've never had a credit cards and would not have known that the interest is higher for cash withdrawals. OP at least your mistake had educated a few mumsnetters today!

Your husband sounds like a bully though, and he should not be reducing you to tears over an honest mistake. Tell him to go and boil his head.

I didnt know this and have had debit and credit cards for 30 years.
Your problem is what you said in your second post. That you normally just take it - if you had yelled at him 'Don't be so condescending you fing bastard ' at the top of your voice the first time he did this he wouldn't have done it again, I would bet.
You are being little miss scaredy mouse and he feels the BIG Guy.
Say I'm sorry, but don't speak to me like that, in a raised voice. The start of a new you.

He's probably peeved because besides being an expensive way of getting cash, withdrawing cash with a credit card will adversely affect his credit rating.
He's still a rude pig though

Well, if he gave you the card - and no cash - to help you out, how did he think OP would get cash, (which is something you need in daily life, not some exotic indulgence)?

I would not have known the rates are particularly high (I might have suspected, because of some unpleasant credit card experience in the past) - but either way, I would probably have said I thought he was fine with it, knowing I‘d need cash and giving me the card.

I don't understand this. You are independent but your husband gave you a credit card in your name because money is tight?

What are the financial problems? Why did your husband get one, why not you?