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Original poster

New relationship sex - does it get better?

29 replies

Snowballs4ever · 24/12/2018 10:58

I've been dating a man I met on OLD for about two months. We've slept together twice. Both times have been ok, but a bit boring, no real passion. He may have some ED too, which maybe is nerves related. My last relationship we had great sex.

Has anyone found sex getting much better as the relationship progressed? He seems like a good guy and always makes sure I enjoy it and orgasm. I just don't find that I'm wanting to tear his clothes off or anything, maybe I will in time.

OP posts:
LuggsaysNotaWomen · 24/12/2018 11:05

You can’t pin anything on it getting better. It may, but it’s just as likely to stay the same or get worse.

The question really is, can you see a future with him if the sex is meh?

If not then you need to get out now before either of you form a strong attachment.

Original poster
Snowballs4ever · 24/12/2018 11:15

Thanks. I don't want to put any pressure on him and he's a nice guy but no, I wouldn't want a long term relationship if sex was dull. I think I will see if it shows signs of being more fun in the next few weeks.

OP posts:
Crookedcolours · 24/12/2018 11:20

I think it's always awkward the first few times but you should still enjoy it.

Maybe you're not sexually compatible

Wherearemymarbles · 24/12/2018 11:24

This might sound harsh
But if he is considerate enough for you to orgasm then the problem is on your side, not his
Ie you are not sexually compatible and perhaps you dont really fancy him.that’s unlikely to change.

PerverseConverse · 24/12/2018 11:30

Sounds like my ex. Always made sure I orgasmed but couldn't keep it up unless the lights were on and we had to had sex in certain positions otherwise he list his erection.
It might get better, it might not. Might be nerves, might be a medical issue. How old is he? Is he overweight? A smoker? Drinker? All these things contribute to ED.

ConfusedDH · 24/12/2018 12:42

No, I don't believe it will get better.

I was in a similar situation with my now wife - it was okay at first, but no passion/sparks. She was very inexperienced by her own admission but had a lot of other great qualities.

I naively (in my 20's) gambled that the sex would improve as life went on and we got to know each other better etc.

The sex didn't improve and is now the huge fracture in our marriage.

willbefine88 · 24/12/2018 13:10

Sorry but sex is the best at the beginning because it’s exciting. It will only go downhill from here I’m afraid.

Notacluethisxmas · 24/12/2018 13:16

Odd one.

Looking back now, the first couple of times with Dp were good.....But it has got even better.

At the time I would say it was great. But it has also got better with time. The difference being I never thought sex with Dp was meh.

Original poster
Snowballs4ever · 24/12/2018 13:17

Thanks, I agree sex is v important and we need to be compatible so unless it gets better I will move on. I have found with previous partners that it can improve as you get to know each other better but I think there was more excitement from the start then too. Wondered about other people's experience.

OP posts:
VietnameseCrispyFish · 24/12/2018 13:19

Nope, it never gets better. Only worse. I was in your shoes and went ahead with the relationship anyway hoping and assuming I could teach him to be better in bed. I absolutely couldn’t. Nobody could have. He was awful. I was so relieved when we split I never had to have his inept hands touching me again.

Original poster
Snowballs4ever · 24/12/2018 13:22

Oh no VietnameseCrispyFish that sounds awful! I'm so glad I asked this question as I was quietly optimistic about this guy but now I feel fully educated to make a decision soon!

OP posts:
MrsDaveGrohl78 · 24/12/2018 13:22

I'm gonna go against the grain here... in my experience the first couple of months with a now ex weren't great, he became the best I've ever had when he had no nerves! We split up due to other issues, but wow the sex was amazing!

Creas35 · 24/12/2018 13:24

After 10 years it’s better than ever but at the beginning I still wanted to rip his clothes off, the passion at the beginning is the fun part.

HugeAckmansWife · 24/12/2018 13:30

I also disagree with pp. My partner and I also met OLD. I was the first person he'd slept with since his wife to whom he'd been married for 15 years. It's hardly surprisng it was a little awkward at first and it took about half a dozen occasions before we really started to learn how to be with each other. He also had an issue with nerves the first couple of times but 3 years on I can honestly say it does get better and better. It helps that we don't live together and it can be weeks between times that we have a chance to. It stops it getting stale. Anyway, if you like him and all else is good I would persevere for a little longer at least, and be honest that's its not great, tactfully obviously but he can't know to improve if you fake a good time.

JK1773 · 24/12/2018 13:38

I agree 100% with @VietnameseCrispyFish. My ex never improved despite me trying. I gambled on it and endured about 5 years of crap sex followed by about 2 years of avoiding him/sex at every possible opportunity. Urgh

Renarde1975 · 24/12/2018 13:42

Signs aren't looking good OP. Logically, it should improve but usually, first few months in the honeymoon are the best.

I could throw my 2p in and buck the trend as I've had some incredible first nights. But usually, yes, it drops off.

NotTheFordType · 24/12/2018 13:43

I think it definitely can get better if you're both passionate and invested in each other's pleasure. As you get to know each other's bodies and responses, as you both feel more comfortable to say "Please do this" or "It's better if you do it like this", as you discuss trying new things.

But you have to be on the same page. There has to be that passion in the first place, and a willingness to learn.

Here's what I'd be looking for:
Did he ask me what my favourite positions were?
Did he ask me what acts (e.g. oral) I enjoy?
Did he seem invested in making sure I came?
Did he suggest switching positions during penetration?
Did he listen to my breathing and body language to tell if he was doing the right thing?
Did he do anything stupid - like try to jam his dry finger into my dry vagina, grab my head during oral on him and try to face fuck me, try to stick his finger up my bum without permission, attempt a stupid position that you only see in mainstream porn?

And then I'd be asking myself, did I want to act in all those positive ways too? Did I care about both of us having a great time?

If I couldn't say yes for both of us, then I don't think it's got legs.

Heartofglass21 · 24/12/2018 13:53

In my opinion, if you don't want to rip his clothes off and ravish him now, it's unlikely you ever will. You can't force chemistry and if it's not there, it's time to gently dump him (don't tell him it's because he's shit at sex though!) and move on.

Original poster
Snowballs4ever · 24/12/2018 14:22

@NotTheFordType I like your list, some of it made me chuckle (the doing stupid stuff part Grin). He has made sure that I orgasm and wants it to be good for me, but I'm the one who has been suggesting changing positions etc. I definitely think he's been quite nervous (He seemed to want the lights off for example) so I'll give it a bit longer. I don't think he's had sex for a while before me so that won't help I suppose.

OP posts:
n0ne · 24/12/2018 14:25

It can totally get better! You've only done it twice, he doesn't 'know' you yet. As long as he's attentive and considerate, he will learn Wink

MaggieMuggins · 24/12/2018 14:32

See, this is why I sleep with someone really quickly. If we don't have sexual chemistry there's no point carrying on and getting emotionally attached IMO

coolcahuna · 24/12/2018 15:05

For me it's never got better, has to be amazing from the start for it to stay that way. I've only experienced amazing chemistry twice in my life and it's my minimum bar now. I broke up with someone a year ago because the sex was meh but he thought it was amazing. I actually found my mind wandering during it to random topics. Never a good sign!

coolcahuna · 24/12/2018 15:08

And both of those I knew I fancied them within about 2 minutes.

ConfusedDH · 24/12/2018 17:06

@NotTheFordType

Your list has just made me very sad, firstly because it's true, and secondly because I don't perceive that my DW does any of that for me, ever.
And yes, I have and always do in return - it's instinctive (for me).

blankrightnow · 24/12/2018 17:16

NotTheFordType , that's a great list! Makes a lot of sense for both parties.