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Original poster

Found out dad is cheating on mum.

36 replies

OldGreyBoots · 24/12/2018 03:10

Posting here because I don't know what else to do.

I live with my parents. This evening my dad left his phone open on a hookup/dating site, so I saw it. Took a photo of the phone on the site including username, found out he met someone from the site last Friday, when he was supposedly Christmas shopping.

He and my mum have been married for 34 years, little to no romance these days but care about each other deeply, or so I thought.

To complicate things she is totally financially dependent on him, quit work almost 28 years ago and hasn't worked since, to raise my brother and me. She has always done everything at home, I guess I'm so appalled because she does so much for him, and also because last summer she nearly died of severe heart conditions so I can't believe he's willing to throw everything away after nearly losing her. My dad's profile online shows he is willing to meet women the same age as me, which I just can't get out of my head.

What do I do? Don't want to say anything to anyone until Christmas is over, but who do I speak to first? My current plan is to tell my older brother (27), and work it out together. Sorry for the length of the post but I was struggling mentally even before I found this out, and I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 24/12/2018 03:15

You really do have a problem. Glad you have brother to talk to about it. I feel for you and bro and mum.

Don't do anything hasty, best thing would be to corner your dad privately and tell him you know & ask what his intentions are. No point involving your mum in something which may come to nothing. People do go through odd phases......not excusing your dad but that's a fact.

Good luck Flowers

lboogy · 24/12/2018 04:00

Personally I wouldn't tell mum. The question is ask is : if you told her what would you want her to do with that information? You may find that she knows already and your parents have some sort of agreement to allow the affair so long as he's discreet .

I know it's devastating for you but I really think you should stay out of it

blackcat86 · 24/12/2018 04:15

Your mum needs to know but ideally your dad will do the decent thing and tell her. Talk to your brother and together tell your dad that you've seen the site and that you're both expecting him to tell your mum. If he then says oh she knows and we've agreed it all then great, but it's less likely.

Original poster
OldGreyBoots · 24/12/2018 10:44

blackcat86 I think that will be the best plan. I would love to keep out of it but I keep thinking how betrayed DM would feel if she found out I'd kept this from her.
I've just lost all respect for DF overnight, I'm now dreading spending any time with him.

OP posts:
subspace · 24/12/2018 10:54

I can imagine how you feel, I'd lose respect for him overnight too. I also feel my mum would be terribly hurt if degree found out I knew but had kept it from her.

You're in a horrible situation. I don't know what's best for you to do. Part of me wants to tell you to make sure all their money and assets can't be stripped by him if he's thinking of leaving. Part of me wants to say I'd catfish him, and walk into the bar he arranges to meet pretend persona in, and confront him. But you've got plenty of evidence already.

deepwatersolo · 24/12/2018 11:16

A bit late but you could give your dad the movie ‚moonstruck‘ for Christmas and say you see parallels there and want to talk about it.

Pigeonpies · 24/12/2018 11:19

Agree with another poster, tell your brother, then both confront your dad. He should do the decent thing and either tell her or stop the behaviour

It's also possible that she knows and is OK with it, but if she isn't then your dad needs to own up.

Transfer the burden to your dad, it doesn't belongwith you

Doobee · 24/12/2018 11:24

Before you go telling, speak to your brother and try working out the financials. Do they have a mortgage etc etc. Get details of local solicitors, counsellors. Get every duck in a row. She’s going to need a lot of support. Has she got her own bank account with anything in it? If not, you could say to your dad a lie about wanting to send her away to a luxury spa so can he give you £1000 for a holiday for her...something like that. Start stockpiling. Start using every trick to get her set up before dropping the bomb. If she needs to move out, where’s she going to go until the house is sold?

SandyY2K · 24/12/2018 11:33

I find with threads like this pp often say the betrayed spouse may already know and they have an arrangement.

If so...it won't be a problem telling her will it. She won't be shocked.

lucy101101 · 24/12/2018 11:40

I am sorry this has happened to you but I think you should stay out of it. They are adults. You are not party to their full relationship. However hurtful this might sound, it isn't really any of your business....

Figlessfig · 24/12/2018 11:46

I agree with everything jessstan2 said.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 24/12/2018 11:46

I wouldnt tell tbh. Perhaps they have an agreement anyway.
Also worth considering why he has strayed. Perhaps he has lost respect for and interest in somebody who has been content to sit around doing very little for the past 30 years. I know I would, as harsh as that sounds.

offside · 24/12/2018 11:49

I was going to say the same thing as Sandy are you sure your mum doesn’t know? If there is no romance, I suspect there won’t be any sex and maybe they have an agreement?

I do think the approach others have said about talking to your brother and then your dad is the best option.

Loveweekends10 · 24/12/2018 11:51

At least let her enjoy Xmas day! Then get a lawyer for her. Sort her out financially then challenge him!

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 24/12/2018 12:00

Give your father an ultimatum. Either he tells her - or you will do it. Your mum doesn't deserve to be cheated on, whether there's romance involved or not! If he wanted to go elsewhere, he should've broke your mums heart first to spare her anymore heartbreak when he decided to go and find some other slag to talk to!

DadJoke · 24/12/2018 12:07

I concur with the brother then dad approach. You can play that conversation by ear, but decide in advance if you want to issue an ultimatum. Be aware that if he is cheating he might well say "your mother knows already and it's none of your business" in the hope you don't discuss it with her.

MMmomDD · 24/12/2018 12:10

Stay out of it.
Unless you want to hurt your mom.
She may suspect but not want to know. And even maybe OK with it, provided it’s bit rubbed into her face.
And if you bring this to the open - it’ll bring it to the surface and only cause destruction and unhappiness.
After these many years - last thing your mom wants is to be on her own.
Which is what you seem to want to push for.
Don’t.

Original poster
OldGreyBoots · 24/12/2018 12:11

croprotationinthe13thcentury for what it's worth, she has certainly never sat around doing nothing. All cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, making his lunch for work every day, raising two children then caring for her disabled mother, meanwhile DF works three days a week and spends the majority of his free time on his computer.

To other PPs: it is possible she knows of this arrangement, and I am hoping in many ways that this is the case, but I'm not sure how likely it would be for them.
I did consider the catfishing approach suggested upthread, but I'm not sure I could handle it in all honesty. Plus if it is an agreement between DPs then that could end badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldGreyBoots · 24/12/2018 12:17

Doobee - not totally sure of the financial situation but I think they just have a shared account. If she had to move out she could stay with her mother who lives nearby and has a spare room. Thank you, all of you, for your advice.

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 24/12/2018 12:19

Dont shoot the messenger OP.
Most people find time to bring up children and work. I know so many blokes who have strayed in situations where they lose interest in wife who has nothing to talk about as they do nothing in their life.

yuletidiness · 24/12/2018 12:31

What evidence did you find that he had met someone?

Josuk · 24/12/2018 12:32

‘If she had to move out she could stay with her mother who lives nearby and has a spare room’

OP - do you not have your own life to focus on? Really.
Stop meddling.
Leave your mom to live her life the way SHE wants to, not the way you want her too.

Better yet - get your own place and don’t interfere in the relationship of two adults.

deepwatersolo · 24/12/2018 12:35

crop caring for children and disabled relatives make not give people inspiring topics of conversation, it ain’t ‚doing nothing‘, though. It may well be that there are people who can easily juggle a job on top of caring for a disabled person plus kids, doesn’t mean anything they do has any quality.
I have a relative, a nurse, who has 3 kids, one of them severely disabled (she is 30 now and never learned to talk or sit, still depends on diapers). The relative gave up her work for the kid and sure as hell works harder than any nurse. Can‘t see this being ,doing nothing‘.

Original poster
OldGreyBoots · 24/12/2018 12:42

yuletidiness - the particular website he's on seems to have a kind of verification system to prove that members are legitimate. He'd left his phone open on a page that showed a "review" left by the woman he'd met, confirming he was genuine as they'd met on Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldGreyBoots · 24/12/2018 12:43

Josuk - I'm not saying that's what she should do. I was just responding to another poster who asked where she could go if she moved out.

OP posts:
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