Found out dad is cheating on mum.

[OldGreyBoots]

Posting here because I don't know what else to do.

I live with my parents. This evening my dad left his phone open on a hookup/dating site, so I saw it. Took a photo of the phone on the site including username, found out he met someone from the site last Friday, when he was supposedly Christmas shopping.

He and my mum have been married for 34 years, little to no romance these days but care about each other deeply, or so I thought.

To complicate things she is totally financially dependent on him, quit work almost 28 years ago and hasn't worked since, to raise my brother and me. She has always done everything at home, I guess I'm so appalled because she does so much for him, and also because last summer she nearly died of severe heart conditions so I can't believe he's willing to throw everything away after nearly losing her. My dad's profile online shows he is willing to meet women the same age as me, which I just can't get out of my head.

What do I do? Don't want to say anything to anyone until Christmas is over, but who do I speak to first? My current plan is to tell my older brother (27), and work it out together. Sorry for the length of the post but I was struggling mentally even before I found this out, and I just don't know what to do.

To those being ever so judgemental about the wife not working or adult children at home, why so judgemental, why so many assumptions? It's perfectly possible that the husband and wife were both happy with the arrangement that one works and the other does the household stuff. It's perfectly possible that something happened and the OP landed on her arse and had to move back in - my point is we don't know.

What I do know is my opinion, that if somebody is unhappy in a relationship they should talk with the other person to try to improve it, and/or end it before they date other people. That's being a decent human being. And to echo what others have said, if she knows about it and comments to it already, telling her won't be a problem will it.

*consents - typing while wrangling xmas decs!

If you don't tell her before tomorrow, absolutely DON'T let her spend the day cooking for him. Now would be the time to get him heavily involved in the drudgery. Tell your DB and ban TV and computers for the day. Don't let her essentially continue serving him, EVEN if she wants to, and then have her find out. This could be the year that DM watches TV while the three of you cook, even.

OP - realistically - even in younger couples - most affairs don’t end up in divorce.
Many, many women even here on MN - write - I used to think it was a deal breaker, but not it happened to me, and it’s not that easy. After many years and with lives intertwined.

OP - just think about it, with a cold head, not just with your emotions, and all your personal hang ups.

Do you love your mother? How old is she? How many years of anguish do you wish on her?
Given her situation - if she doesn’t know about your father’s extra curricular activities - she isn’t going to leave. She will stay and be unhappy. It’ll take a long time to get to some sort of a better place.

Life isn’t black and white. Think about what you want for her - pain or a status quo. Does she want to change her life for s sadder and more painful place?

Talk to your dad if you have to. If you absolutely can’t keep your nose out of it.

If this was my parents, I would be going to my mother and stating something along the lines of...." Mum, I don't know whether or not you already know about this but it has come to my attention....XYZ...".
They are a family and the DD has found out by no fault of her own, something that will possibly affect the whole family, and maybe they should all be communicating. If the mother is already in the know, then fine. If she doesn't then she can deal with the situation, knowing that her DD hasn't kept anything from her. Oh and I sure wouldn't let Xmas get in the way.

I don't think sites that you need verifying on are usually ones with the purpose of developing meaningful relationships and it's likely just to meet physical needs.

If I was in a happy but non physical relationship I'd be fine with him getting his kicks elsewhere but I probably wouldn't want my daughter telling me about it.

If it transpires there's an other woman and it's more of an emotional thing, I would feel hurt. It's definitely not just black and white and I would tread very carefully.

It may also be a conversation your dad would be more open in just with your brother. I'd be inclined to pass the buck!

I'd be making my father damn certain that you know and ask him for an explanation.

I'm bewildered that people may think they have an 'arrangement.' I suppose thats the best case scenario.

I wouldn't say anything to your mother. But i'd want to know what your father intends to do about it now you do know.

Tell DB

Check out financials with DB and work out where DF could live (he should move out not DM)

DB and you tell DF together and ask him what he's playing at

DF should either give up the dating or tell DM and leave the family home

Getting involved in her parent's finances and telling her dad to move out - that's crazy!

You should speak to your father about this as you otherwise have to carry this knowledge/keep this secret and it is not fair that you have that burden.

I think that he left the phone there for you to see, expecting you to tell your Mum so he doesn't have to.

Yep confide in DM as she may already know and have agreed.