Advice needed - can I get past this?

[Ni58]

How long does it take to get over a betrayal? I agreed to let him try to repair the damage but it’s been nearly a year and I still feel sick every day. I feel like it’s all forgotten for him but if I bring it up, it leads to a horrible period of angst where I just end up feeling worse. I can’t do another year like this. I know I’m not making much sense but I’ve tried to write a post many times and I can’t seem to be coherent.

You should leave him. It’s eating away at you and making you unhappy and life is too short for that!
You have given the relationship a chance but it hasn’t worked and you need a clean break. I know easier said than done. Good luck.

Have watched Esther Perel on you tube?

OP - try Esther’s book too. The State if the Affair...

I don’t know what process you went through to re-build, but it takes and effort on both sides. And counselling, and re-connecting, and building a new marriage, different from the previous one.
Repairing damage isn’t enough.

It sounds tough. Sorry.

Short answer is no. Simply because of the amount of hurt and trauma it's causing.

Betrayal. Yes. Is there anything worse? He's not doing anything to ease that for you. He could do but he's not giving you that reassurance or you wouldn't be posting.

I'm sorry OP

It took me about 18months to get to a point where I could try and forget about my partner of many years cheating on me.
It had happened some years earlier, I found out. He absolutely repulsed me for those 18m after finding out.

I've taken each day as it's come. After two years I began to really love him again. Yes it took a long time for me and I have moved on from what happens - not forgotten or forgiven - but stopped being upset and angry by it. 4 years on from first finding out, we live a nice life and are happy together. I'd say we are in love again, in a more mature kind of way.. However, he'll never have my full trust again I imagine. I see him differently than I did before.

I thought that if we kept it to ourselves, we stood a better chance of getting through it. No one judging us, my family not hating him, not being the centre of gossip, etc. But that has also meant that I’ve had absolutely no outlet. The thoughts just whirl round in my head. Reading threads on here either makes me feel a little bit better or one hundred times worse.
I don’t know what to do. I hate that all this has happened and I couldn’t (still can’t) control any of it. I’m on edge all the time.

Thank you for the Esther Perel tip, I’ll have a watch/ read.

Can you get some individual counselling to give you an outlet

Look in U.K. council for psychotherapy site - it is where well trained counsellors are listed

I’ve heard it said many times it takes five years.

Could you live like this for that long?

By all means check out Perel, she provides another perspective on infidelity. But take it with a pinch of salt: it’s an opinion. She isn’t more correct re her views about infidelity than the woman next door, just because she’s become the ‘go to’ and does Ted Talks and writes books.

If you don’t tolerate the disrespect and betrayal that’s fine too. Don’t feel you have to talk yourself into staying just because you have so far.

You should find a sole trusted friend to talk to about all of this and who won’t tell anyone else or treat him differently. You really deserve support.

I'm right here with you on this one, a year on and I feel only a little better. I have zero respect for my H and I doubt that will change. As far as I'm concerned he destroyed our family and when I'm comfortable and good and ready I'll be kicking his sorry arse to the kerb. He thinks it's all fine and we are stronger than ever - not a chance, I'm growing stronger daily and when the time comes I shall light the touch paper and take everything from him. Sounds harsh eh.. you know what, I don't care, I will do whatever possible to get the financial stability for my kids and quite happily live a single life forever. I no longer trust anyone or anything, he did that to me and I will never forgive. I commend those able to ditch and walk away and dream of doing the very same myself soon. The memory of the lies and hurt don't go away, I'd never believed it possible to hurt someone so deep.. I feel your pain totally and my only suggestion is to plan your future without him.

I found telling people helped. I made HIM tell his mother and I told mine. We are also seeing a therapist. I don't know if our way is better but I couldn't have coped without telling someone and I think the reactions of others made my H realise the enormity of what he'd done a lot sooner. (It was purely emotional not physical and he had trouble recognising it as an affair, which it was very very clearly to me)
If you can't do it OP you can't, you've not made a rash choice. Do what's best for you but I would tell someone IRL for support

Surviving infidelity website is good

Thank you to all of you for your replies. Finding Christmas especially hard.

I bet he’s glad you’ve not told anyone. Ergo you don’t really have to live it in RL
it’s all a secret. His secret shame

I can tell you now, if you decided to tell people and decided to stay they would respect your choice. Because friends and family do that.
This just seems entirely to favour him really.

I think you should talk to someone.

Why are you keeping it a secret? The shame is his not yours and he's free from suffering from the consequences of his actions, isn't he?

There is a fine line between being accommodating and being a doormat in the nicest possible way. He needs to own what he's done and part of that is explaining to family and friends why you're having such a tough time of it. You need to be able to address how you're feeling to your nearest. This isn't all about him.

Hmm my DH emotionally abandoned me and gaslight me for a few years, it was horrific he broke me I planned to leave he begged for a 2nd chance.

Couple therapy was a pre requisite of mine and individual therapy for him.

4 years on and I do love him again. My true friends know what happened and get that he utterly betrayed me and there was zero trust left.

It's not the same as infidelity but he ignored my crying myself to sleep nightly for months etc. Trusting him has taken this long.

A year is nothing and you need people to talk to, people on your side

Watch Eckhart Tolle video on betrayal (Youtube) - i found it so helpful. Idea is tp stop telling the story (in your own head or to others) as a betrayal, a terrible thing that happened to you, and retell it more neutrally. He had his own agenda which was different to yours, he had reasons which may have been selfish but amost certainly werent about hurting or humiliating you.
ET puts it so much better than i have! All i can say is that i felt so much better when i stopped thinking and saying i'd been betrayed and started realising my partner is motivated by a bunch of things that are nothing to do with me.

@rebelrebel3
I don’t think I’ve heard such a crock of shit in all my life. Reframing betrayal as just a different choice. Fuck me. Talk about trying to desperately not see it for what it is.

People who love you don’t fuck other people EVER.

I suggest chumplady

@rebelrebel3
But sorry you’re right, they were choices that were nothing to do with you, because he gave zero fucks about you at the time.

You seem confused Travis! It makes me smile when people are so quick to dismiss stuff they can't comprehend. Not sure how old you are but the fact you still see the world in black and white - and think everyone else's agenda can be linked back to a great big YOU - makes me think you're early twenties?

@rebelrebel3 an interesting take on that theory.

I know completely why my DH behaved the way he did. Ultimately he put himself above me and the DC and truly didn't care during that time how much he hurt me.

Seeing how broken he made me and carrying on the gaslighting is what has been so hard to forgive.

My head got it, my heart was broken to find out the person I loved so so so much and had given myself to 100% didn't and perhaps never had felt the same about me. No amount of understanding his motives makes it less painful.

Ironically DH had admitted how much he misses the way I used to love him.

🤷🏽‍♀️

@whynot93. Good for you, you sound like you are gaining strength and building for a strong future. I am really in awe of the fact you are playing the long game to get the outcome you need. Good luck

I second using www.survivinginfidelity.com

Is he doing everything to help you heal from his affair?

Does he comfort you if you're struggling? Does he understand how painful it is for you?

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

@rebelrebel3
I’m old enough to know that when someone cheats on you it is about you. Or more how little they care about you in that moment.
I don’t see the world in black and white. But we all see things differently. And I guess some people have a better sense of self when it comes to what they are willing to tolerate from others